Dinner time - generational differences?

Nanamar well jel. It's interesting as we often find out we have followed US customs. So making me rethink...my SIL (sister of late husband who I continue to have close relationship after divorce and death) lives in California in the Bay Area and I have been shocked how she has roped in her son to be part owner of her house as her husband has filed for divorce and wants his half. I thought she was just being a bit over-possessive and not letting him go...perhaps not. He has a steady girlfriend.
I thought the post was going to be about the nomenclature of the words, times, and spaces for dinner, lunch, tea and supper. Vastly changed over my lifetime. Epecially over which are shared. Partly generational, partly fashion, partly class. perhaps partly geographical but very interesting. I love the sound of your set up. dogs too. mmmmm. btw I think showers are very important for well being de stresing a treat etc etc. so don't interfere with that one
I think back to my childhood where the midday meal was called dinner...there were school dinners I didn't have school dinners, I lived nearby so I walked home with my friends where my mother had prepared two or three course meal. In the evening we would have tea which was a smaller cooked meal, often something on toast..fruit, supper might be cocoa and biscuit. My gran who lived with us. Laid the table for breakfast every evening so we came down to porridge, other cereal and a cooked breakfast. My mother and gran, her mother, would have had their Ryvita and tea earlier so they were up to serving and cooking for us..this was in Wimbledon in the fifties. I thought normal..was it? I of course threw all of that way...perhaps too much...sixties bohemia, cereals whenever you liked. anarchy. mmmm. I think I was very lucky. we liked some things more than others but there was no sign of catering specifically for individual tastes. It was totally unneurotic and a good example of mixed generations living together.

My family also sat down together for the evening meal each day round the table. Only one of my adult children has his own children and their family tends to eat late/ each person at different times.

Part of that has to do with varying work hours and some with lack of effort to plan a meal ahead of time.

They do sit down with my 3 yo grandson though at table and keep him company ( the other GS is a baby).

When possible they will eat together but that’s not often. It saddens me less because of table manners and more because of all the fun we had as a family of 6 around our table sharing the day’s events, talking and joking.

When I’m there visiting and cook for them they make more of an effort to sit down together. I do try hard not to impose my vision for them on their family- it’s their choice.

If I were you though, since you live together, I might ask some questions of both parents ( while both are present) and then express your concerns. Festering frustration always leaks out in the end.

Think we just have to let our families do their own thing as our parents did with us when we had our own families...My kids and grandchildren think it's hilarious we don't get takeaway every weekend and that we have our meal at 5pm....

Reading all these stories about the dining habits of our AC, I'm rather impressed that DS, his wife & their 2 under 10s all sit round the table together to eat at 5.30. DD, her partner & his 2 teenagers also all sit down together as often as they can - after school activities can alter the timing quite often. We always ate as a family and DH and I still sit down to eat together at 7.30 every night.

If your ds was going up for a shower at 5pm would it bother you so much.

We have moved in together a few months ago. Pooled our money to buy a big house to renovate and extend to include joined but individual spaces. We are me , DD1 and SIL, DD2, and twin nearly 13 grandaughters.

At the moment we do our own lunches , according to the day we are some at work and some working from home/days off. We take it in turn to cook evening meal and try to menu plan for individual tastes. My only complaint is some nights we are eating too late for me really, it varies between 7-9pm.

Children have a snack when they get back from school at 4-30 to “tide them over” . DGD 2 likes to try to cook and often likes to cook for herself and is encouraged to do so. DGD1 not so much but happy to eat what is prepared for her. It’s working so far, some niggles and compromises of course but in the long run we are all getting what we want.

Their house....do as they wish. Things are different now...simple

Things are soo much different to how they used to be! I remember when I lived at home dinner was on the table 5.30pm sharp all the family ate at the same time, it was great! But you can’t expect that to happen now as people work different hours some shift work etc etc ! It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest as long as they are fed and watered! Who cares!

We moved in with my inlaws as Mum had dementia, and now share with Dad. We got in the habit of cold lunch and hot dinner for us and they did the opposite. We now live with 2 kitchens, but still stick to the system. Dad only eats with us on Sundays, when we do a hot lunch at 12.45. Maybe your DL feels his Dad should be doing more - but doesn't want an argument?

I don't interfere it's not my responsibility so long as when the the grandchildren are staying with me for the night they abide by my rules and I never had a problem.
But your situation is different just go with the flow and cook and the do what they want saves rows.

So interesting to hear your thoughts -thanks for sharing! We do manage to eat together more on weekends (sometimes because we’ve done take away) and DGS will often ask me to tell “old-timey stories” about his beloved deceased Pop Pop. If DS and XDIL are not sitting with him at 5:00 to eat, I do so since I don’t want him at the table alone. Fortunately, I love to cook and hate to bake whereas XDIL is a brilliant baker so we do complement each other in that way!

I refuse to cook two separate meals so we eat together at around 6. If someone is missing theirs is plated for when they are home. If it’s a special meal I will serve at the table but mainly everything is plated in the kitchen and carried through to the dinner table.
There’s no way in this earth I would feed the younger chicken nuggets or freezer surprise daily and not sit together as a family. Mine have a rice cake or fruit when they come home from school/ clubs to tide them over until a proper from scratch meal is cooked by me.

I think nowadays people in general are more relaxed about meals, what they eat and when.
I have fairly set meal times, but that just suits me fine, it's the way I like it!
One thing _ have you ever actually asked your DS and DiL what they would like or even if they want you to cook for them every day ?
Same goes for GC, do they want him to be part of the meal, or would they prefer that he eats separately most days, so that he can be put to bed and the adults can enjoy the meal together?
If they both WFH, I can't see a problem is DiL has a shower at 5pm - little different to coming home when working outside the home, and having a shower then, surely!

It was rare when I was a child to all eat as a family, as it was for myself with my own and as it is now for my daughter. The reason? My father, my husband and my son in law were/are all self employed in the building trade and ran/run their own businesses. One does not get home until the job is done for the day, any problems sorted out with employees/contractors and
suppliers etc and any preparations for the next day made. Dinner early with the children becomes the norm. We all tried to eat together on a Sunday if that too was not a working day which it often had to be and is still. I think that there always has been many variations on how people deal with their mealtimes. As long as everyone eats well and that family communication does not entirely break down then I can’t see it as a problem. Not everyone works conventional office hours over a five day week, after all.

i can't see what the problem is, unless you are expecting this household to run the way yours did when you had small children.
nothing you have described sounds odd to me.

Every single family is different.

For me, eating together at the dinner table every night we could has been important to me since my children were born. But I grew up without our house having a dinner table! We ate on our own mostly.

Maybe you could try and prepare a meal that everyone sits down for on a weekend when things are a bit less busy? You could make it and invite them with no expectations put forth but also holding out hope that it becomes a regular thing?

Make a meal for you and tiddler so he and you have a civilised time in each other’s company, leave the others to sort themselves out, and don’t worry about them. Good luck

Have you thought it might be time to get a granny flat? It is nice and cosy to be living with the family but not if you are being used as a doormat.
Have a family talk, state when the meal will be ready, it sounds it might be when your son and grandchild likes it and is alright for you, perhaps 5/6 and the three of you sit down and eat a family meal together like Sago suggests it is meant to be for good for family life.
Put the other portion on a plate or leave it for your daughter-in-law and state you will not be tidying up if she chooses to eat late. Or you could prepare a runny buffet through the week and each of you take turns to cook a meal at a time that is agreeable to all at weekends.
They are both taking advantage of you, your son for letting you do everything and your daughter in law because she expects her husband to help more and why choose to shower when the family are eating a protest of kinds perhaps?.
You are the housekeeper, nanny and cook. Think hard about what you really get out of the situation. Good luck

"For example, DIL prepares GS’s dish prior to any of us eating - portioning out what I’ve made for everyone, adding veggies or fruit to his plate, etc."

You seem annoyed a mother wants to prepare the dinner plate for her own son

She is the matriarch of her family and she and your son run the show, their way

Believe it or not, if there wasn't a you to help them, they would manage just fine.

I know a family where the two patents and two teen children all just make themselves something to eat when they feel like it. The parents are my age, and we (plus other people I know of my age) eat together as a family. If someone will be late dh or I still cook for them and they can reheat when they get in.

everyone and every family eats in their own way.
i don't agree with the implied moral superiority for one method over another, same for use of cutlery or not.

It is sometimes a challenge to get children to eat a balanced meal - I pick that battle over cutlery and fixed family timed meals

I think those battles are more likely to be dealt with if you're actually all eating together.

Rofl Miss A

We always eat any meal at the table, on our own or with others as people's routines and work commitments allow.

My minded children also have to eat sitting on a chair, at a table, even for a biscuit. No eating on the hoof in my house I'm afraid, too many crumbs.
That comes as quite a learning curve to some new starters but they quickly cotton on.

One of the four year olds has tea at mine every night and has been using the dinosaur fork and spoon cutlery I bought, many years ago, from the Science Museum.
Recently he spotted that there's a knife that goes with the set and now he insists on using that as well.
I've shown him and his ten year old brother how to lay the cutlery out to set the table. They were fascinated and enjoy the ritual every evening ?