Needing a stencil

According to my DH we’ve just had new adenoids fitted to the hull of our boat.

Anodes, dear. Pieces of sacrificial metal that help stop your boat from rusting away,

A friend of mine who had been complimented on the way she had cared for her husband during an illness said that the doctor had told her she had missed her vocabulary.

I asked a friend what fish he had in his new pond. His answer was that he thought they were crap.

My son, when still quite young, was out with me and was asked what he would like to drink directly by waitress; his eyes shining at being addressed like a grown up person, he drew himself up in his chair, puffed out his little chest, and said, gravely, may I have a cup of Chino, please?

When I worked in an opticians an elderly gentleman informed me that his wife had Immaculate Regeneration (Macular Degeneration).

When working as an art teacher, I was not pleased because a pupil had asked what was the point of art lessons.
I asked them to write a short piece about why art may be of value. One pupil wrote ' art is important because it helps you with your pants and brushes'.
So true!

Like the four candles sketch.

Wouldn’t these anecdotes make lovely Two Ronnies sketches?

My husband is from abroad and when our oldest was born l was unable to breastfeed. We needed some new bottle teats but, unfortunately, in his accent he asked the young assistant: "where do you keep your tits?"

My mum had a part time job in a shop that sold Lottery tickets.
Chap came in bought some shopping and asked for a Lucky Dip.
Mum sorted shopping then said "and a lucky Dick".. His reply "I wish"

On local radio recently, a caller talked about a presenter who had "a lovely timber" to his voice.

A friend, jokingly called me a pillock and I said whys that an insult, its what you do on a back of a bike...
Once she'd stopped howling with laughter she told me that was a pillion.

My grandson watched his mum eating a gherkin, and insisted he wanted one.
He made such a fuss that she ended up putting a piece in his mouth and told him he had better eat it (or else!),
His eyes started watering, and he was dribbling, but saying "Mmmm.. yum!"

Then he finally said "Mum, I really don't think I like perkins".

When my husband was a child he came home from school and proudly announced that he had been appointed milk manure.

My MIL was treating her pool to keep the orgasms away.

That's priceless!!!

A client told me that her son had a detached rectum….retina?

I’m really enjoying this thread. How pleasant to have something to make us smile!

Some years back a neighbour called on my Mother to tell her that the man along the road had Old Simon’s disease. (She meant Altzheimers).

A friend had met someone who had told her some news at great length which she said turned into quite a monogle.

Another friend discussing the menopause said she didn’t agree with Hormone Replacement Therapy but thought she’d talk to her GP about HRT!

I think it was on here I read of someone asking a young male assistant if he had fat balls.

A friend of mine is very partial to nuts of any type - walnuts, cashews etc. She once marched into Waitrose and quite innocently asked a young male assistant: 'Young man, where do you keep your nuts?' It was only afterwards that she realised her gaffe...

lizzy A friend's husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer and was treated for seven years (as was my own husband). I could never understand, after scores of hospital appointments, scans, chemotherapy etc she still to this day calls it prostrate. The least of her worries of course.

....I had a friend who was telling me about the Hanging Baskets of Babylon!!!

This thread is quite topical considering Nadine Dorries's latest bloopers... Apparently she's dyslexic.

A neighbour asked me to take a look at one of her goldfish that she thought looked emancipated.

I've lost count of the men who ask for a prostrate examination.