The Value of Friendship ..

Hi. I know how it feels to be put on the back burner when it suits the other person, believe me. Friendships are often unequal and maybe one needs the other more than the other due to circumstances.

Friendship is also interpreted in different ways, in the same way marriage means something different for everyone. She needs your support, and you need her because you haven't a family.

So your friendship is unbalanced at times, and you have to listen to moaning which makes you anxious and uncomfortable. So is it enough to break the friendship?

You also don't have to listen to moaning when it goes on...interrupt and ask for some positive news, make a joke of it. Just don't let it go on...change the subject or say you have someone at the door or are about to go out. Take control.

When your friend is busy with others, take the opportunity to do something different, to fill the time with something you enjoy or haven't done before...go for more walks, visit a place you haven't been before, go to the library, watch a film, do some baking. In other words keep busy, distract yourself.

I know if I had my sons/grandchildren round here and hadn't seen them for a bit I would also need to concentrate on them and not do the usual routine phone call. A friend would understand and not take it personally and I would do the same. Give and take. If you're giving more than you are comfortable with maybe you should have a talk to her.

Maybe your expectations are too high and that can cause resentment and disappointment. Can you lower your expectations? Just some suggestions. I hope it works out.

Of course she feels safe enough for her to moan to.
I have a friend who pretty much only phones when she's upset and she can cry for 28 mins easily.
I take it as a mark of our friendship that she feels safe to do it. I love her dearly and it makes me feel grateful that I can be a shoulder to cry on. Maybe try to feel blessed that you don't have 28 mins worth of unhappiness that needs sharing.
I am grateful that I still have a great husband whose shoulder I can weep on.
Good luck.
X

I have a good friend and we talk two three or more times a week often having to cut off because we ve reached the end of the free hour! But I never phone when her families down and never expect her to phone me either I would think that’s normal
“Why would one quick phone call matter” because if you’re anything like us it wouldn’t be a quick phone call

Mind you we moan we laugh we cry we chew things over if she’s going off on one give her your empathy, advice if it s asked for, then change the subject to something funny or jolly You can be as much in control of the conversation as she is

Yes I agree my friends and I don't usually call one another if family are staying. The most that happens is a text arrives if we have been waiting for news about something. The moaning is difficult but part of a long friendship and I find if you become the recipient of some secret you then can't share you have to try and remember who knows what.

One of my closest friends dies suddenly this week. We had known each other 45 years and in the days when our children were young it was a family friendship.

I will miss her so much - already am.

MOnica
I know how you feel.
For me it was last year and I’d known him for over 50 years, longer than I’ve lived with my partner ( 42 years)
He was the one person who knew me exactly.
I think I keep seeing him when I’m out and about and then the jolt comes, of course it’s not ?

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend M0nica.

It sounds as if you're the only one your friend feels she can have a good moan too b1zz1e. I can understand why this can be tiresome.

Some good advice from missingmarietta which perhaps you can introduce gradually; changing the subject, talking about a similar situation or maybe making an excuse to end the conversation earlier when you're beginning to feel tense.

As you continue to make new friends you may find it easier to have less contact but it would be a shame to lose such a long standing friendship all together.

I have a friend like this. She talks at an amazing speed and half time I can't make out what she is complaining about. 2 of her daughters no longer speak to her and her present gripe is about her brother in law. His wife had dementia and he finds it hard to cope. She thinks he is being cruel by trying to get day care arranged and also for going on a holiday without her. I said its a pity he couldnt get her into care and she was horrified at the idea that a husband would treat his wife in this way.
I breathe a sigh of relief when she hangs up . Never asks how I am.

M0nica

One of my closest friends dies suddenly this week. We had known each other 45 years and in the days when our children were young it was a family friendship.

I will miss her so much - already am.

Over the past couple of years I’ve lost several friends; two have died and one I’ve ‘lost’ because she has Alzheimer’s. What’s made it worse is the fact that I haven’t seen them for so long because of covid. Not only that but several more are seriously ill. I guess it’s an age thing. But I’m making an effort to contact other friends that have eg moved away. I think I’m guilty of not appreciating my friends.

MayBee70 yes, COVID has disrupted many friendships. My friend and her DH had been due to visit us the weekend lockdown was announced, so we postponed it. During COVID, both my DD and my DH were, seperately, critically ill for months so my attention was all on them. My friend had also not been well

We have just been away for 10 days and on top of my 'to do' list on my return was ring my friend. Now that is not possible.

But this has happened to me twice in the last two years, but with friends in my outer friendship circle. This loss is someone I was very close to.

Sorry to have disrupted this thread, but this death was so unexpected and i found out in such a convoluted way, that this thread dealing with difficult friendships males me want to say to people to keep contact with your friends if you possibly can. once they are gone, you cn nver have them back.

I did, a few months ago, phone up a couple of friends who live locally but I don’t see very often, especially since the pandemic, to tell them how much I appreciate their friendship and how much that friendship has meant to me over the years.

M0nica I'm so sorry you've lost your dear friend and can't have your phone call now.
Could you write her a letter, telling her all you wished to say, and keep it safe somewhere?
I have some small mementos of my Mum in my bedside drawer and I just like to know they're there.

What a nice idea V3ra. Fortunately her son rang me last night and we were on the phone for an hour, so I now know all the circumstances surrounding her unexpected death and, by chance, I am in the vicinity of where they live tomorrow and after my meeting will go round and visit her DH.

I think this thread should now return to the OP and her post.

I think friends ringing less, or not ringing at all when family are around, is quite normal. Dealing with constant complainers is difficult. My DD lives alone, so when she wants to sound off, rings home, and like your friend can go on for hours. My tactic has been to let her sound off for 10-15 minutes and then start interjecting by asking her questions, that quietly lead her away from the subject. The first question will be about her complaint, but tangential. and I will gradually move her on. Works with Dd whether it will work with your friend, I do not know.

Sorry to hear about your friend M0nica - I too have lost a good friend a couple of weeks ago - again, very suddenly - and am finding it quite difficult to come to terms with...
I know that it's something that we have to cope with, but it's very painful ?
OP my best friend and I speak several times a week, and WhatsApp each other almost every day - but when either of us has a family visit going on, we simply WhatsApp once a day (usually to say how tired we are...?) and then we pick up again afterwards - I think that this is perfectly normal.
Re the complaining - you either put up with it, get in first, or call her out, 'Hello, I've been wondering what you'd have to complain about today..!'
It's your choice...!! Good luck ?

If you have a friend or friends that you can have a good moan with, even if one sided, I think that shows the true value of a friendship - that they will take you as you are, moans and all !
Maybe make a joke out of it - say you have your cup of tea/coffee/glass of wine ready and you are sitting comfortably , ready for her moanfest!
Or try to get in first with your moans !