Gransnet forums


Modern Weddings

(71 Posts)
SueSocks Sun 08-May-22 12:30:41

My neice got married over a month ago. I only know this as her sister posts everything about her life on Instagram. My sister didn't tell me about it and we were not invited. I am not really bothered about the lack of invitation, wouldn't have gone anyway as I am not comfortable in social gatherings, but it would have been nice to have been told, especially as I contributed a lot financially to both girls growing up!
My other neice posted lots of photos on Instagram, what a shock! In one of my many hours of being unable to sleep I googled the venue etc. Eye-wateringly expensive, £10K for the venue, £70 per head for catering (2 of the options for main coruse were pie & mash or sausage & mash), £3K for the dress, £400 for designer shoes, presents of fob watches for the groomsmen. The wedding photos were like something out of a fashion magazine. Photos included the veil, shoes, bouquet and perfume on a chair, photos of the bride and groom in front of the firework display, no traditional group photos. The happy couple also did a pre-wedding photo shoot in a local beauty spot. I must add that neither my niece or my sister are wealthy!
Are all modern weddings like this? Each to their own but I find this extravagance very over the top, although my sister would love it. Such a huge sum of money for just one day. I am glad not to have been invited, I would have found it very uncomfortable.

thomasina34 Sat 14-May-22 16:41:51

It is such a waste spending all that money on one day, especially if a couple of years down the line there is a divorce

Vintagejazz Sat 14-May-22 16:37:36

Apparently many people have been alinvited to travel to the ceremony and also attend the evening of a wedding but the actual meal is for selected guests only. I would find that incredibly rude if I got such an invitation.

I was sitting by myself in a hotel lounge once when a young woman came and sat at a table near me. She was joined by another woman and it soon became apparent that she was a bride to be meeting with her photographer.

Within 2 minutes the photographer had persuaded her that she needed extra photographers if the job was to be done properly.

I expect hotels are also very persuasive in getting brides and grooms to agree to costly chair coverings, sweet carts, photo booths and all the hurdy gurdy that goes with a wedding nowadays.

Likewise the cake maker, the car hire company etc all starting with "well it's up to you but......"

Weddings are huge industries now with people queuing up to part young couples from their money.

M0nica Sat 14-May-22 15:27:35

vintagejazz sometimes there is nothing happening between the wedding and the evening event. That was the case when my God son got married 15 years ago. When DS got married, those invited to the wedding ceremony got a meal immediately after with all the toasts and cake cutting. the evening event was more informal and included a buffet supper. Some people went home for a couple of hours in the afternoon for a rest or to change, others stayed on with a pay bar chatting to friends and family.

When it came to costs DS was on a winner. His wife was an events organiser at a big local museum. it was a DIY event in a church hall and many friends provided presents in kind, photography, catering at cost, hall decoration done by a group of friends. I helped with both setting up and clearing up the next day. Music was also provided by friends and the Master of Ceremonies was a Performance Poet, also a friend.

Much more fun than a formal hotel wedding.

Yammy Sat 14-May-22 10:05:19


Nobodies business but the couple getting married. Looking up the costs of someone else’s wedding is rather odd behaviour.

I don't think looking at the cost of the wedding is odd behaviour we all do it consciously or unconsciously. Look at how we view Royal weddings.
Even if they knew it would be declined, an invite would have been polite to an aunt.
I think lots of lavish weddings are one-upmanship and often wonder what real life after the wedding is like.
In the end, it is down to the couples and their parents' choice but I do know from my own children who both had small intimate weddings pressure is put on the couple often by the venue or a planner if there is one or even the photographer and you have to be very clear in your stance.

Vintagejazz Sat 14-May-22 10:03:58


Vintagejazz that kind of split wedding invitation has been round for decades. I attneded several like that in the 1990s, when my DC's generation were getting married, although I have never come across, the different meals based on sex before.

I've received lots of weddings to the evening party only. But I've never been invited to attend the ceremony and then the evening party several hours later and go off and feed myself in between. That's a newish development to me.

Shropshirelass Sat 14-May-22 09:57:15

Not to be bah humbug or a kill joy, but I think weddings that are so expensive are a waste of money, just a trend to share on social media in an effort to look the best. Nothing wrong with a quiet ceremony and a little meal to celebrate afterwards, no need to splash out on a big do that is still being paid for long after the divorce! This puts too much pressure on everyone, back to basics I think. The money would be better spent towards a house deposit IMHO.

biglouis Sat 14-May-22 09:54:54

I avoid weddings like the plague and always decline (even family ones) on health/mobility grounds. I dont drive and they are too much hassle to get too. Plus the expense of a gift, outfit and hanging around etc. I just send a card and wish the couple well. What they choose to spend their money on is their business.

M0nica Sat 14-May-22 09:45:30

Vintagejazz that kind of split wedding invitation has been round for decades. I attneded several like that in the 1990s, when my DC's generation were getting married, although I have never come across, the different meals based on sex before.

Vintagejazz Sat 14-May-22 08:54:01

Blimey just been reading a thread on mumsnet where 'split invitations' where some guests get invited to the ceremony and the dancing part, but not to the meal are becoming more common.

Also that at some weddings there are different meals served for men and women eg the men get steak and chocolate pudding, the women get chicken and fruit salad shock

Dickens Tue 10-May-22 08:12:43


What I don't understand is why people are still getting married at all?

Why does that puzzle you?

I've been co-habiting with my partner (we're second-time-rounders) for over 33 years and we chose not to get married again for various reasons. But that's us... people are different, individual...

Marriage is an established institution and, in spite of all the challenges, some of them work really well. I can see the appeal, even though I didn't choose that option.

Calendargirl Tue 10-May-22 07:53:32

And because if one of you dies, things are far more straightforward to sort out if you are legally married.

Vintagejazz Tue 10-May-22 07:31:30

Because for many it is still a valuable institution and also has a religious significance.

M0nica Tue 10-May-22 07:18:46

Because the survival rate of married relationships is much longer than less regulated ones and children brought up in stable married relationships do better in school and in life.

BigBertha1 Tue 10-May-22 07:12:07

What I don't understand is why people are still getting married at all?

M0nica Tue 10-May-22 07:07:47

We had a small quiet wedding. Thse who weren't invited assumed it was because i was pregnant. I wasn't, and the date for the wedding had been known for six months in advance.
It was entirely dependent on the best man's allocated leave. He was in the navy and it was entirely dependent on his ship being in port

Calendargirl Tue 10-May-22 07:00:58

That is so true Vintagejazz.

So many think that their wedding, new baby, new puppy, is as meaningful and exciting to the rest of the world as it is to them.


Summerlove Mon 09-May-22 22:10:38

My wedding was far larger and just “more” than I wanted.

It was what my father wanted.

I just smiled.

I’d hate to think if it were now I’d have people sneering at how ostentatious “I” was for this event.

MissAdventure Mon 09-May-22 22:01:01

My daughter went to a wedding in Saint Lucia, all paid for by the couple.
The bride's hairdresser, beautician, and everyone else were all flown out.

Then the couple fell out a few days before the wedding and called it all off. grin

CanadianGran Mon 09-May-22 21:23:41

We have just found out the date and location of our son and fiance's wedding. To me it sounds extravagant, and inconvenient for many to go to, but their choice. I'm afraid the future DIL is falling under the spell of a glamourous wedding as is shown in magazines. I have to shrug my shoulders, and plan to buy a nice dress... we love them both and hope they have a happy celebration.

I wish it was all a bit more low key, but will just have to go with the flow. i know they are happy together.

Vintagejazz Mon 09-May-22 21:05:43

I worked with a girl once who planned a big extravagant wedding in Florida. She was then upset to the point of tears when only about a third of her guests accepted the invitations.

She genuinely couldn't seem to understand that people on limited budgets, or with small children, or getting on in years or with only so much annual leave, were not prepared to fly to another continent, pay for five or six nights in a hotel, take a significant chunk of their annual leave and sort out complicated child care issues, just to attend her wedding

I felt very sorry for her as she was so obviously deflated and upset, but she had just lost all sense of perspective and didn't realise that her wedding wasn't the massive occasion in everyone else's life that it was in hers.

grannypiper Mon 09-May-22 19:07:58

Weddings are more like a circus theses days. My Nephew and his wife who already had a 2 year old had 3 stag/hen do's each, 1 each abroad, 1 each elsewhere in the U.K and one each in their home town. Divorced within 18 months. Another couple i know who had a 6 year old, spent £24,000 on their wedding day, on top of that they had a 2 week trip to disneyworld Florida. When they came back they were so skint they had to give up their house and move back in with her Mum. They too are now divorced.
It seems to me the more expensive the wedding the quicker the divorce.

M0nica Mon 09-May-22 18:50:51

Hithere I think it was done to show how well off he was. he was a Scots farmer who migrated down to the south east to run a farm in Kent, the whole family come south for the wedding and I think he wanted to show off how well he had done - and the bride was an only child.

Knowing them both, I suspect that they would have preferred the money, but went along with her father because it was clear it was what he wanted and like many brides, she loved her parents dearly.

VioletSky Mon 09-May-22 18:39:06

I dont understand why this is ok as an OP?

Im not sure i'd want that sort of energy at my wedding

Smileless2012 Mon 09-May-22 18:33:04

I agree HousePlantQueen each to their own, and if all concerned enjoyed the day and were happy with the cost it isn't anyone else's business.

Hithere Mon 09-May-22 18:29:40

"However the bride's father wanted the best for his daughters wedding and spent about the whole cost of the house on the wedding"

I always wonder if it is the parents or the couple who escalate the need of a big wedding