Is this really what children are for???

My mother expects her children to look after her and can't understand why I don't get my children around to do things I can no longer do. She's in for a bit of a shock though because I am at the end of my journey of providing care for her and am talking to care homes for some respite care when she comes out of hospital. It is a difficult, expensive decision but I need a life with less stress and so does her partner.

I often wonder why people have children nowadays. They can’t wait to get back to work so that they can maintain their lifestyle and then moan that childcare is so expensive. Who would want to trust their special child with a cheapie version.

Most of our age group had children at a relatively young age and never even gave a thought to when we became old. Children often disappear across the four corners of the earth, as we did in our day. Their loyalty should always be to their own children first and last, as it is with us. Not the other way round.

@paddyanne. Are you my mom?

But yes after looking after my gran whilst starting my family I became very ill and disabled, using a wheelchair mainly. I’m early fourties’ now with a two year old and a fast approaching seventy year old mother. She knows she won’t be getting care from me -much as I’d like to help her I won’t be here to do it.

Chocolatelovinggran. You have hit the nail on the head! My children are like sponges!!???. In reality , if we ever help them out financially ( which we do , as my mum and in laws did for us) and they insist on paying it back , our response is "put it in our care home fund, just make sure you pick a nice one!"

I don’t feel in any way entitled to receive help from my children, even as I get older and possibly might have more needs. However, I have a mother who is, and always has been, extremely entitled. She’s 94 and in a care home now, but still makes a lot of demands on me, including expecting a daily visit. I’ve managed to gradually visit less often, but it’s a struggle. She wants to know why I can’t visit if I tell her I’m not going the next day.

I think it was really tongue in cheek, just to make the person feel less guilty about accepting help.
Surely the whole thing about a family is to support each other, be it parents, brothers and sisters, sons and daughters and beyond ? Not the whole reason to have a family of course, but certainly part of it!

Adult children may not be in a position to offer much help. They may live some distance away, work long hours and have families of their own which should be their priority. The last thing they need is the burden of a needy parent. It’s up to parents to organise their lives so as not to be dependent on their children.

Chesnut

May I ask who determines which role is played by whom?
What if you do not like the role given to you - do you have a choice?

I think everyone in the family has a role to play, and adult children should be helping their parents if required just as their parents cared and nurtured them when young. It's not about having children for that reason, it is just part of being a family.

My GP gave me Three days antibiotics, which didn’t work for a UTI. His private advice was to buy D-Manoose. Not available on the NHS. Never suffered since. Best advice ever.

MissAdventure

When people are making babies, I would think old age and mobility issues are the last things on their minds.

Exactly ! ?

My dm was very adamant she didn't want to be asking us to help her. We were all working with our own families so she felt we had enough on our hands. But we wanted to help her and were only delighted to do it. Luckily we had a big family and the load was evenly spread. Granted when she died we had become quite exhausted as she was very unwell towards the end. But we all felt so delighted we could do it. We never had to care for my dad as he died suddenly with no care ever involved. I think the fact there was no expectation or demand made it far easier to do.
My dps definitely did not have lots of dc to look after them in old age as their main goal was to see us up and running with independent lives.
But don't be so sure your dc's won't want to help and may actually want to.

crazyH

Thanks Grammaretto and Callistemon21
Yes, I think I will call the Surgery tomorrow.

A spoonful of bicarbonate of soda in warm water may give some relief meantime, but definitely take a sample to the surgery asap.

No you’re not being ‘bossy’ - that’s called ‘caring’

Thanks Grammaretto and Callistemon21
Yes, I think I will call the Surgery tomorrow.

crazyH
And if it doesn't clear quickly, do get a sample to your GP asap
as you may need some antibiotics.

(Not being bossy, I hope)

crazyH sorry about the UTI. People do like to be useful too so don't feel you can't ask your DC.
There is such a thing as being too independent no man is an island etc.

When people are making babies, I would think old age and mobility issues are the last things on their minds.

I’m having a bout of cystitis and if you’ve had this awful affliction, you know you just want to be on your bed, near the loo.
Anyway, because I dare not leave, I asked my daughter to pick up some cystitis relief sachets from Tesco. Very, very rarely do I ask her to do anything for me. She works, has children and has enough on her plate. So have my daughters-in-law.
Will try to be as independent as I can for as long as I can.

DD was driving me home after my recent stay in hospital. We passed a care home and I suggested she should just drop me off there. She said "This one's no good the CQC say it's Good, I'm looking for a really inadequate one for you"

This has reminded me. As a child, we had elderly neighbours who were childless (1950s).
My mother told me later that she had been the eldest of 9 and had made a pledge to her young dying mother that she would stay at home to care for them all until the youngest left home and married.
Her fiancé, as he became, honoured her pledge and waited for her - by which time she was too old to have her own children.

I have had a conversation with my daughter saying that if I need looking after then I shall go into a home, I do not want her to have to look after me.

LauraNorderr

I couldn’t bear the indignity of having my children wash me, take me to the toilet or worse. They’ve been told that if I get to that stage they must take me on a cliff top walk and let me go ahead with my Zimmer frame.

Me neither LauraNorderr

As FannyCornforth says surely a tongue-in-cheek comment?
I would have thought so too.

That story is particularly awful Witzend but it was normal at one time to expect the eldest girl to step in if mother died (in childbirth), and the youngest girl to stay home, not marry and care for aged parents.
In 2 of my DGP families this happened.
My gt aunt Jane at 18 as the eldest girl had to be "mother" to her 8 younger siblings.