People who won’t tell you what they want and expect you to guess

Husband is and his parents were like this. I always put a lot of thought into gifts but the in laws would tell you that they've already got 6 of what you bought them, still in a drawer. Husband hints, I don't catch hints, then invariably complains about the gift, whether it's what he really wanted or not. It's a no win situation.

My Mother in law was considered an angel by most, she was pretty willung to go along with anything. But I found it was very hard to please her, if Inever knew what she really wanted (e.g. for dinner choice). Too wishywashy.
Now my adult kids have Amazon wish lists and want mine too. I would rather be surprised and not, in effect, have to do my own shopping. Im glad to get an idea of what they want but it doesn't feel quite right. Especially if a list just has expensive little tools that i know will be seldom used. Oh well...

My husband can’t say yes or no. So conversations go as follows.
Me,” would you like a cup of tea.”
DH “ Are you having one”
Me “ So do you want one”
DH “ I could have one if you feel like making one”
A conversation like this could go on for hours. It’s bloody infuriating.

I do find it irritating when someone says, ‘Whatever you’re having,’ when asked whether they’d like tea or coffee. I know they think it’s helpful but I wish they’d just say what they’d prefer!

My mother would sometimes fail to be assertive about whatever she wanted, but afterwards complain that, ‘Daddy made me…’ have/do this or that.

He would never have ‘made’ her have or do anything, but would have made a decision after a lot of exasperating dithering or ‘I don’t know…’

The presents found at the back of cupboards might be there because the recipient thought they were too good to use just for them. Then they would be put in the safe place. If their memories were anything like mine it then becomes 'out of sight out of mind'. Quite the opposite of not appreciating them they would have been really appreciated when received but once put away for safekeeping 'the mental filing system' is in charge and often has less capacity as the years go by.

Honeysuckleberries

I think it is sometimes a test to find out a) how well do you know me? B) how much am I worth? C) how much effort have you put in.
My mother in law was an expert in this. She’d always say in a pitiful voice that she didn’t expect anything, but woe betide you if you didn’t come up to her expectations. I think she enjoyed bitching about each of her five daughter in laws to the others. She got more enjoyment out of the slagging off than any present she got.

I had a girlfriend like this. So high maintenance. I really feel for her DILs

I know this is terrible, but I wish my husband/ family knew by now 40 years + that I would always be delighted with a Liberty Silk scarf, Jo Malone or Penhaligons type eau de cologne or perfume, or some really nice ear rings , I have expensive taste if allowed or have the money, just a pipe dream, I went into Liberty's and thought I'd buy myself a scarf and then I read the prices...so I didn't...!!!I did buy myself a tiny bottle of Jo Malone cologne at the airport on the way to our first trip abroad since lockdown and can't possibly let my husband see the price just for a small bottle of red rose cologne....I like getting things family have made though, my son wove an amazing basket out of baler twine, I thought that was brilliant!

I went to a friend's house years ago to take her a birthday present, only to find her in floods of tears because her household hadn't given her anything. It turned out that they had asked her what she'd like and she'd said not to bother (obviously meaning the opposite) and they had complied with her instructions. Ho hum....

My son and daughter choose perfect presents for me, including a subscription to My Weekly from my son and a gym subscription from my daughter. Great gifts and well chosen.

My dad always asked for a tin of his favourite tobacco. We knew he wanted it, he had money freed up to choose something he wanted for himself - problem solved.
Along those lines I did buy my daughter a tank of petrol when I was in her car close to her birthday, and that was well-received.

My mum on the other hand doesn't 'need' anything, get cross if we 'tempt' her by buying chocs or biscuits, says flowers make her sneeze but loves to have something to unwrap. I thought I'd solved it with herbal teas, which she drinks a lot of - but then I opened her kitchen cupboard to find she had enough to last a century! Back to the drawing board.

Lesley60

I have got this one sorted, I hated seeing my daughter stressing over what to buy me for Christmas ,birthday etc so I asked her for every occasion to buy me a gift voucher from my favourite Bueaty salon.
We are both extremely happy with this idea

That's a good idea Lesley.
When my elderly next door neighbour was alive she used to have a mobile hairdresser I used to pay for her to have her hair cut for her birthday.
Trying to think of different things to buy year after year is a nightmare at Christmas. No one knows what they want, and that includes me. I now ask for vouchers to spend when I see something I'd like.
The only person that emails me a list to choose from is my brother-in-law. He's got a birthday in a couple of weeks and he's sent me a list already. Easy!

My least favourite surprise present was from my MIL - an old winter coat of hers - lucky me.

The secret to good present giving is to observe the person, what are their passions and interests? Are there interests you share with them? Never give something that you would really like to receive. Otherwise ask or give a token.

My father though when asked would always say “anything I’m lucky enough to get” - which when you’re 7 or 8 is no d**n help.

Well my mother was an expert at this. She would tell you that she wasn't bothered and didn't mind so you would guess and do something and then she would tell you exactly what was wrong with what you decided.

That is my mother too! Except she won't tell you what is wrong she will tell everyone else.

Both Mr A and I are like this, really. If there is something specific we want, or somewhere specific we want to go, we say. Other than that we are both so easy going it's quite surprising we get any dinner sometimes. Whoever is the hungriest will finally decide and the other one will say 'that's fine, thanks'. This morning we couldn't decide whether to go to Bracknell, Guildford, or Wokingham, and much to my surprise ended up in Reading.

I would never dream of asking my husband what he wanted for dinner! We say, "what shall we have?" and then plan the meal based on what we have or need to get. I am not an employed cook, after all.

I used to do this to the irritation of my family! Now I don’t as realised they wanted to know, genuinely wanting to get me something I liked! I often will ask for a specific thing, as long as not too expensive. More often than not it’s a book; I tell them to look on Amazon or similar websites to see if it is available secondhand. Good for the purse and the planet and I get a lovely treat I really want!

I have got this one sorted, I hated seeing my daughter stressing over what to buy me for Christmas ,birthday etc so I asked her for every occasion to buy me a gift voucher from my favourite Bueaty salon.
We are both extremely happy with this idea

Not quite the same thing but equally annoying. Geographically distant relatives who ring to ask what DC want for their birthday or Christmas. You are prepared for this and are mindful of postage costs, so suggest a (name) voucher or a CD or a DVD and they promptly put the money in the post to you, and ask you to buy and wrap the present.

My friend's MiL does this to her every Christmas, just sends a cheque and asks her to buy whatever my friend thinks is suitable. So my full-time working friend has double the presents to think up, buy and wrap.

My retired sister does this to me too.

All the males in my family are nigh on impossible to buy for. I've found money to be gratefully received.

they don't know what they want. And if they do are frightened of being labelled bossy or demanding. in assertiveness training this was personified as Iris Indirect. Non- assertive and profoundly irritating. If I ever picked my mum up on it she used to say I'm not selfish like you dear.

I am not like that myself but my mother was and I found it hard to navigate.

I believe both genders are guilty of this one. We grow up being told to not be so bold as to ask and then wonder why so many do this later and frustrate their friends and family by not asking. I do my best to get around this issue by jotting down the different things people mention throughout the year and hopefully they've mentioned something in front of me. My family know that anything for my hair or a cordless power tool are my favorites. Although it didn't work well one year when I mentioned that I needed to get a router and my son bought me the computer router rather than the cordless work working tool that I'd actually hoped to get. I pretended to be excited about it and quietly exchanged it without his knowing. He'd never check or remember exactly which one he got me anyway. In the end, it really is the thought that counts.

I love surprises, but never get them. I'm a great believer in people listening as often the other person will let you know what they want without telling you. I think the present giver should chose eat to give and it should be a surprise.

It makes you realise the whole idea of gifting in comparatively wealthy societies is absolutely pointless.
The time and effort involved in thinking of ideas, researching etc, not to mention the cost, are all wasted and wasteful?
Why does anyone bother?
The other thing I have always found pointless, is buying gifts between couples….does everyone have their own separate money?
We’ve always pooled any income for 40+ years.
I’m quite proud of the fact that we get things when we want/need them and have never wasted anything on pointless gifts.

I've a friend who has regifted presents back to me twice now. I'd rather she asked me what I would like if this is going to keep on happening, but obviously she doesn't like what I buy her either lol. Maybe we should stop giving presents to each other, but who's going to bring the subject up....

I ask there is no point in a random present that may not be appreciated.