How long to settle in a care home

Nannee49 and Maywalk….thank you..????

Anotherfrom me *Shinamae *the goodness and joy most carers bring to their patients cannot be underestimated. As also the relief and thanks from exhausted family members battling with so many conflicting emotions after doing their very best. You're valued and appreciated ?

Shinamae

I have worked in this mainly high dementia care home for nearly 4 years and it is not all bells and whistles it is quite tatty in a way,but the carers do actually CARE,to think about it you wouldn’t do this job if you didn’t care we are on minimum wage and I know there are several places I could go and get at least a pound more an hour BUT I do love this job I really do. What has been said previously about stepping into their world is so right, they could not comprehend the fact that even though they might be 98 that their parents would be dead so it’s just best to say they’re at work or when they asked to go home we say well the roads up to you know what it’s like around here for roadworks, will have to wait till tomorrow and things like that really really do calm them and then of course 10 minutes later they forgotten all about it but will ask you again. I’ve had a lot of jobs all of them are quite menial but this is quite a thankless job but when I step out the door at night I know I have done a good thing and helped very vulnerable people. I am 69 myself and it can be quite scary seeing dementia but how we treat our people brings a warm glow to me … and I will keep on working here as long as I am able

Lovely post Shinamae.
My dear hubby had Dementia and I was his carer for 6 years but unfortunately for the last 18 months of his life he did not know me. I used to put U-tubes on my computer of his beloved big band sounds and strangely he could tell me who the band leader was and even a bit about the persons life but as soon as the music stopped he would have that glassy eyed lost look back. He had to be put in a home when I broke my left hip in three places because I was incapable of looking after him but he did not last three weeks in the home before he died. Life can be a bitch at times.

@PinkCosmos, in such cases I think it may well depend on how advanced the dementia is.,

When my FiL’s was not too far advanced, he once shocked us (we were still fairly new to dementia then) by asking where MiL was. She had been dead about 10 years by then.

Being relatively new to it, we explained as gently as we could that she’d died some years ago. But he was terribly upset and cried - only to forget and ask again half an hour later.

So we started saying she’d just gone to the shops, or to visit Auntie So-and-So - which kept him quite happy.

OTOH my mother never asked where my father was - they’d had a very good marriage for 48 years and she was devastated when he died.

But when her dementia was pretty well advanced I was once showing her some old photos, inc. one of my father.

There was just a very vague, ‘Oh, yes - did he die?’ - but she was not in the least distressed. By then I think her memories were largely much further back. As someone once described it, they’re like shelves of books - newest at the top, and they’re gradually swept away, starting from the top.

Shinamae a big thank you from all of us who have relatives with dementia needing care.
?

I will remember the advice too.

PinkCosmos
My relative (in her late 80s) asked me about her and my parents - had they really died because no-one would tell her the truth but she said she knew I wouldn't lie to her.
I hadn't heard of "love lies" so I did say yes, they all had, she cried and I cried too but she seemed to accept it.

My mum must have been one on her own when it came to love lies.

My father had died ten years before but she would always ask when he was coming to visit her. I used to love lie and say he might be able to come tomorrow. My mum's dementia was quite advanced and she had talked about visiting her mother (dead 40+ years)

The next day when I went to visit she was really upset and crying crying because my dad still hadn't been to visit.

This routine continued for quite a while. I didn't know what to do as I was following the 'love lies' advice.

Eventually, I ended up saying that he couldn't come because he had died a few years before and did she not remember. I didn't use those exact words but tried to put it as well as I could without upsetting her too much.

She just said, 'Oh did he (die)', and she never mentioned him again.

This situation still bothers me when I recall it as I truly didn't know what to do for the best. Dementia is a terrible thing

ixion

Many people here are dependant on the work of you and your colleagues and we owe you all a debt of gratitude?

And never, ever, regard your work as menial.
Please.

Thank you, it’s not particularly how I see my job but it is how it is viewed by others. Unfortunately it is not a profession and it should be as at the moment if you look in the paper there are always plenty of jobs in Care and you can literally walking off the street and get a job once you have had your police check done. But I don’t know how relevant those are anymore, there was a case a few weeks ago of a male carer I think in Liverpool raping,I think it was a 90 year-old woman with dementia. We have cameras in public places like the lounges and dining rooms but are not allowed them in bedrooms or bathrooms which I am against I think there should be cameras everywhere because if abuse is taking place it certainly will not be in the public areas. If a relative of mine had to go into Home I would make sure they were one of those tiny cameras in situ,families can put them in… I will say something about working at my care home,there is never a dull moment and it’s certainly not boring..?

I add my thanks and greetings and want to say well done to you and all your colleagues. What you do is so valuable and worth while. Well done x

Many people here are dependant on the work of you and your colleagues and we owe you all a debt of gratitude?

And never, ever, regard your work as menial.
Please.

ixion

Please keep caring, Shinamae.
It means so much to so many people?
Thank you.

I will say the same.
Thank you so much, Shinamae, and all the carers like you. I don’t know what we’d have done without you. ?
And while I’m at it, ? and ?.

Please keep caring, Shinamae.
It means so much to so many people?
Thank you.

I have worked in this mainly high dementia care home for nearly 4 years and it is not all bells and whistles it is quite tatty in a way,but the carers do actually CARE,to think about it you wouldn’t do this job if you didn’t care we are on minimum wage and I know there are several places I could go and get at least a pound more an hour BUT I do love this job I really do. What has been said previously about stepping into their world is so right, they could not comprehend the fact that even though they might be 98 that their parents would be dead so it’s just best to say they’re at work or when they asked to go home we say well the roads up to you know what it’s like around here for roadworks, will have to wait till tomorrow and things like that really really do calm them and then of course 10 minutes later they forgotten all about it but will ask you again. I’ve had a lot of jobs all of them are quite menial but this is quite a thankless job but when I step out the door at night I know I have done a good thing and helped very vulnerable people. I am 69 myself and it can be quite scary seeing dementia but how we treat our people brings a warm glow to me … and I will keep on working here as long as I am able

Like Witzend, I used to say "tomorrow" when my DM asked when she was going home. This satisfied her, then she was happy....
I recommend the book "Contented Dementia" by Oliver James. IMO it's full of helpful (and valid) advice. Well worth reading.

My mother was much the same, Redhead56, never a sociable type at all.

She only really settled at all once her dementia had worsened to the extent that she couldn’t remember anywhere else except her childhood home - she went through a long phase of wanting to go and visit her parents (dead some 30 and 50 years by then) because, ‘They must be getting old and could do with some help.’

I would use the good old ‘love lies’ - ‘Well, we can’t go today, because my car’s in for a service/there’s been a bad accident on the motorway and the road’s closed/any other plausible sounding excuse - ‘But maybe we could go tomorrow?’

That always kept her happy enough - I used it many times.

My mum wasn’t a mixer with neighbours she never liked tittle tattle as she used to say. She had dementia and had different moods she hated the home she was in. It was pleasant but she never settled and never mixed with the other residents at all.
It was heart breaking I helped look after her along with carers at home. It wasn’t safe for her there anymore and there was no alternative.
I hope your mum does settle in her home eventually.

Shelflife

Just a little advice , when your mum is confused please don't try and put her straight - she is in her world and can not return to yours . Step into her world and comfort your mum. Go along with what she says , it is so much easier than trying to pull her back to reality - it can't be done. I wish you both well.

Very well explained

It is such a hard decision even when you know someone is no longer safe at home and you, the carer, are exhausted.

As others have said, the senior management set the tone and smart decor is unimportant compared with kindness. When my DH had to go into a nursing home he sulked for England for a week but soon found favourites amongst the young staff and, if not happy, was resigned and settled. Give it time nanawind and accept that you can no longer provide care 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Its early days nanawind, it takes time. You have had good advice from others so I will just wish you and your mum all the best. Its hard, I know, but she will settle.

Sorry, rather OT, but one more lively resident at my mother’s CH had evidently run a boarding house at some point, and thought she was the landlady! She told me more than once that such and such a resident owed her nine quid for the week’s rent!

PinkCosmos, after looking at so many care homes (for both my mother and my FiL) I soon learned to disregard ‘smart’ decor. Especially when dementia is involved, IMO it means nothing, and is largely there to impress relatives who are choosing.
A cosy, homely atmosphere is IMO much more important, not to mention friendly, cheerful, staff.

The very worst CH I ever encountered was a very outwardly flash, expensive one, where an aunt of dh (no dementia) put herself for a month while her helper was away.

I visited her there twice. The staff were surly and miserable, and the atmosphere very unwelcoming. The aunt absolutely hated it and couldn’t wait to,leave,

My mum never really settled in the two years she lived in her care home. She did not ask to go home but would often say she didn’t know where she was or what she was doing there. Luckily it was easy to distract her with a cup of tea and a piece of cake and the carers were very good at distracting her when it was time for me to leave.

It took my mother ages to settle in her (excellent) dementia-only care home.

I was asked endlessly whether I’d come to take her home (where she hadn’t been safe to be left alone at all and could no longer even make herself a cup of tea,)

I would tell her whatever would keep her happy (or at least not fretful) for the moment, so there were lots of fibs (or ‘love lies’ as they’re known on the Alz. Soc. carers’ forum.)

My ‘best’ was that I was looking for a nice little flat for her, just down the road from me, and once I found a really nice one, we’d go and have a look together.

Rinse and repeat - she never remembered that I’d said the same before.

Shelflife - this care home did not have all the bells and whistles, the modern furniture or the beautiful carpets and frankly needed a good dust! What it did have was a wonderful person in charge and her àttitude filtered down to all nurses, carers , cooks and the ladies who dealt with laundry. My mother's dementia did not improve but her quality of life did

I also had a similar experience with my mother. I found her a care home that looked absolutely lovely, nice decor, lovely room. She was asked to leave within a week. Because of her dementia my mother tended to wander. She wanted to go out into the garden at the home but the carers wouldn't let her. She went to the front door and was trying to get out. She was quite distressed by now. One of the carers pushed her away and into a corner using her elbows as you aren't supposed to touch the residents. This upset my mother even more and she lashed out at the carer. My mum was the least violent person you could ever meet. The doctor was called and the home said she could not stay as she was too unpredictable.

I found another home, a bit less pristine but with lovely caring staff. She took a while to settle but the carers knew how to deal with residents with dementia. She was happy there for about four years until she died.

Based on this experience, it is all down to the carers and how they deal with dementia patients. Regular care homes don't always have staff who are trained in dementia care.

Nanawind , the home sounds lovely, very much like the one my Mum went into in February. We had nearly a month of her threatening to kill herself if we ( the worst daughters in the world apparently) didn’t take her back home. She wandered , had delusions and couldn’t look after herself physically, so, although very hard, we stood our ground. Now she says , in lucid moments, that she would never want to leave. She has made friends, looks better in health ( sadly not mind) than ever and my sister and I are no longer on the brink of collapse. So, it can take a time , but stick with it.