Friends! What friends

AGAA4 I see things differently. My wider friendship groups were there before and remain, but my closest friends are longstanding friends and the wider friendship groups they came from - school, mother and toddler group, work, are no longer part of my life, none of my long term friends, live/lived very close to me in our later years, so they are not known to the groups that form my outer ring of friends.

I think that probably applies to most of us now, where long and close friendships are concerned. I quite agree to be out and about, and not be sitting at home and alone, stops one brooding, but nothing compensates for the loss of shared memories, that no one else is privy to, the shorthand talk you have because you only need to refer to something, not describe it, because you were there and both experienced it.

In this case as a personal friendship became a family relationship, and her DH has experienced a very rapid decline in to dementia, he and his shared memories of his wife and family events, is also lost at the same time.

Monica I don't think you understood my post. Maybe I didn't put it very well.
Nobody can replace old friends and people who are close but I have found that being around pleasant people can help.
The people close to me have been my salvation in dark times but newer friends and acquaintances also helped.

Here's an idea, Lettice.

Choose a local charity and ask them f they would organise the following fund raiser:

A fashion parade using locals as models and your dresses especially the historical costumes. The event can include paintings and drawings of historical dresses. Also a brief talk by an art or history lecturer from the university to give a talk on Zurbaran who specialised in oil paintings of Spanish ladies in fashionable dresses.
I reckon £8-10 per person.

AGAA4 I understand your point about joining groups, but groups are about companionship. A close friendship is based in a relationship, almost like marriage, when two people meet and just get on on a one-to-one basis, which is why most are so long lasting.

I belong to several interest groups, I include many people there in my list of friends and I have known many of them for decades, but a close friend is something else, as I said a bit like a marriage.

Sorry for all who have lost friends. It made me realise that there are only a few people who I have known since we were children. I have newer friends but I can understand that losing old friends is hard.
New friends are great but not quite the same as those who know you so well but they can help to fill a gap. It's worth joining groups you are interested in, ramblers, WI, for example.

I’m so sorry about your friend MOnica. Glad you’ve made more good friends through GN. ?

I attended the funeral of one of my closest friends yesterday. her death was unexpected. We met at a mother and toddler group nearly 50 years ago and a personal friendship became a family friendship,

In her last few months her DH had begun to show signs of dementia and we had told their son, that we would visit him regularly and take him out and do things together because his main problem was only a bit of forgetfulness. But in the 2 months since his wifes death, he was psychologically very dependent on her, his dementia has got much, much worse and his son thinks his father will need to go into a care home, near him and a long way from us, so we attended the funeral as a family, but now realise we have lost, not just my dear friend but our whole family friendship.

Two of my three lifelong friends have now died, all three of them younger than me. I have spoken very sternly to my remaining friend and told her that she is look after her health!

On the bright side. In recent years I have made two new friends, both through GN. We met at local GN meet-ups. They live in a town only 4 miles away and are a delight to know.

I too know how you feel. I have just lost a friend who had known me since I was three months old and she was eighteen.

Both her sisters are still alive, but suffering from senile dementia and have little or no idea who or where they are.

There is one person left in this world who knew me as a child and a handful of school-friends, from senior school, most of whom I haven't had a chance to see since we were nineteen.

It feels the world has become a colder placd, doesn't it?

So sorry, Lettice. I've no small talk either.
You like art, if you can find a free/cheap venue, could you start an art group yourself? If the U3A groups are that grim in the city (all of them?), are there others a car, bus or train journey away? Can you start a neighbourhood group for socialising - just getting people together in the pub to meet each other and chat? Even if you put notes through 25 doors and 3 turn up, it's a real start.
Join a political group (big P or small p with conservation in mind)?
Lastly, get a dog, lots of chat there.
Good luck

Oh how I agree with you . We moved to where we are now 22 years ago and quickly had a wide circle of friends. We would socialise, have games nights barbies and Christmas time was full of parties. Now sadly most of the closest of these friends have left the area or died. I especially miss one who was just on my wavelength and we had so much in common. The club where we met most of these friends is long gone because of lack of leaders and we are just left with a couple of friends whom we do not see very often . There is no place to go to meet new people now at all .

You’re right Lettice, we often don’t appreciate the depth of friendship until it’s gone. Newer friendships have to be nurtured at least until time enables that trust that we really are friends.
I have one friend left from schooldays, she lives the other side of the world, we see each other once every five or so years and talk maybe half a dozen times a year but we are confident in our friendship so that whatever time elapses we pick up where we left off.
I have other friendships of 30 or 40 years that have the same depth and quality, we chat on the phone or see each other fairly regularly but it doesn’t matter if we don’t for a while.
However I have recently realised that newer friendships are like newly planted trees, they need time and effort to establish before they are firm enough to leave to their own devices.
So Lettice, I understand your sadness at losing old close, established and comfortable friendships and wish you joy in investing in some new ones, there is much pleasure in getting to know new friends but we must invest and not neglect.

I feel for you Lettice,I left my group of friends behind to retire with DH ten years ago. Slowly we have dropped communication except for 2. I never see them and I face time or e-mail but understand it is not the same as the phone call to do something at the last moment, like late-night Christmas shopping or a Christmas market.
My DH went for a week's walk and I suddenly realised that I only know people whom I live near to say hello to. I had made one friend and we met for coffee but Covid stopped that.
My friend has joined her local WI and a woman club she says it is far less intellectual than the U3A maybe you could look for some.
I am an only one and like my own company but admit I joined Gransnet for some women's chat.
I hope you find something you can dip in and out of.

I'm in the same position OP. I live on my own and have found that friends with a partner/husband do not seem to understand the way life is for those with nobody at home day in day out. Maybe it has to be experienced first hand not guessed at. Isolation can be crippling.

During lock down 2 'friends' in a relationship decided to move, not tell me, and now they have disappeared to who knows where! I've been stunned as I'd known one of them for 40 years and there was no problem between us [apart from, ironically, a subtle resentment re: my 'freedom' from one of them].

Friends have moved, died [hence username] and I can confirm that not all U3A groups are friendly and often very cliquey. I much prefer one to one interaction anyway.

I've got used to my own company now. I was also an only child until 11 years old and can happily occupy my time, lots to do. Doesn't fill the gap a good friend can offer [and I can return] though. I've one friend though, who I see maybe once a fortnight or longer. But I am aware I depend on her a bit too much and the isolation after we've had time together takes a time of adjustment during which I do feel a bit low.

That companionship is hard to replace as old friends are the ones who don't need to have your life-history explained; you can just pick up where you left off.
My local museum is a hub for different groups - gardening in the grounds, knitting and crochet, painting, well-being - all in the museum environment. so the painting group gets together to paint an object in the museum once a month for example. They are very much for doing an activity alongside others rather than a forced interaction - I just wonder if there's anything like that near you Lettice.
Wishing you the best of luck.

I'm sorry for Lettice and others who have lost friends.
I'm exactly the same as Kate though I'm an only child. I'm happy just to exchange Christmas and birthday cards with a little note, nothing more. My husband is the same too.

Lettice I am sorry to hear that but hope that over time your life will widen up again. Living in a city will give you more opportunities for social contact but in the post-pandemic era things are changing As you say several places have closed altogether but others will take their lace but differently.
My circle of friends has whittled down to a few and I don't live anywhere near them but I'm hoping to grow that through membership of a writing group, WI, golf club and running the Walking Netball sessions.
My best wishes lettice I hope you are enjoying your hobbies.

Sorry to read your post Lettice.
I'm an odd bod in that I don't feel the need for friends, maybe because I'm close to my sisters. I've acquired some over the years but when they suggest meeting up, I find it an inconvenience. I do go, as they're nice enough to ask but it wouldn't bother me never to meet up. My husband is the same.

Oh, Lettice, I was sorry to read your post. Old established friendships enrich our life, and their loss is a tragedy. These are people who remember us young, and with whom we share many memories.
I hope that in the future you can find rewarding activities, and, perhaps, some new friends.

One of my oldest friends died a couple of months after DH, which was a bit of a blow. I have two other friends left that I was at school with. We are all the same age and one can't help being aware that the three of us aren't going to be around for ever. I've got good friends down in Cornwall, but it's a long way away. I had got involved with a couple of local groups but they've not restarted after lockdown. I will make an effort this summer to see what else is around.

Good friends are definitely the icing on the cake that is life. We are lucky to be enriched by their company and support and your poignant post Lettice reminds us of this. I do hope you can enjoy some company this summer that will help ease your loss. x

I lost the best friend I have ever had, my dearest Is. I can understand how you feel. I have other friends but they have their husbands. Is and I were divorced and under the same circumstances ie husband’s affairs. We went on daytrips and she would drive. I don’t think she trusted my driving.?I miss her so much.

I could of written your first few paragraphs. I lost my hubby who was my best friend and 3 long time friends within 2 more years. I can’t ring them for a natter or message them with a titbit of news, my family are great but I miss my friends.
It’s definitely not easy is it?

Dear Lettice, I am not yet at that stage, but I do feel for you. I come from a long-lived family, and have heard this for much of my life from the older members.
I would say though, that despite those feelings, they did find new people to at least pass the time with and they found them in unexpected places. Maybe not U3A (yours does not sound friendly!) but my aunt volunteers at a community cafe and my uncle attends an amateur painting group.
I hope something turns up, and n the meantime, enjoy your pastimes, and your memories.