Can teasing be subtle bullying?

When I worked at Asda I was with a group of 30 to 40ish women. We all got on and used to tease each other all the time. There was a girl of about 17i our department, quite an unpleasant girl, very much into drink and drugs with a nasty tongue as well. She couldn't understand us at all. We used to say dreadful things to each other without a word of it being serious. If she said something nasty it was meant to hurt as much as possible she had no sense of humour and the concept of banter was completely beyond her. It meant that she had quite an unhappy life because she just saw enemies everywhere.

Teasing can definitely be a form of bullying. My late FiL used to make sneering comments about me, my parenting and my tastes, but if challenged, his standard response was ‘Can’t take a joke, then.’

I eventually called him out on one particularly mean ‘joke’ and penalised him by banning him from a family event. He climbed down, made a fulsome and dignified apology, and never messed with me again.

StarDreamer

> "What's the weather like up there?"

The response to that one is relatively harmless.

"Clear and bright."

Though the response I saw suggested to

"The bigger they are the harder they fall!"

is not!

Germanshepherdsmum

Thanks to whoever reported my post:

Not me. I wasn't quick enough...

Germanshepherdsmum

Thanks to whoever reported my post:

Actually, I saw it, read it, and decided to reply to some of what you had written.

I clicked Quote but got the message about deleted rather than the post itself.

Good quote from Eleanor Roosevelt Maw and in an ideal world it would be true.
But if your mental health, feeling of self worth, or just circumstance at the time of a ‘teasing’ comment coming your way make you feel fragile, it’s not true.
Yes Nanamar I think teasing can be bullying, if you feel robust enough to challenge or deflect it, then great. Not everyone, at all times, feels like that. Sometimes walking away, if possible, is best, or if you’re lucky you’ll have someone close to you who will challenge or deflect it for you.

It killed her husband ixion so yes, I suppose you're right.

As a child, teenager and young adult, I was teased mercilessly by my mother and a sibling about a specific physical characteristic; there was nothing I could do about it, I was born with it. If I got upset, I was accused of being "precious". If I got angry, I was told that I had no sense of humour and "couldn't take a joke". If I ignored it and pretended not to care, they did it more to get a reaction. It went on for many years until one day, they tried to involve my young DC in their "joke. Boom! They never did it again.

Thanks to whoever reported my post:

Chewbacca

I can see your point, to an extent StarDreamer; especially as one of my closest friends has Marfan syndrome. At 6'7", she is unusually tall and is quite used to someone that she's meeting for the first time refering to it. What does annoy her is when people that she knows continue to make innane "jokes" such as "What's the weather like up there?" Like she says; I'm tall. You're not. So what?

Knowing about Marfan's, Chewbacca, I would have thought being tall was the least of her worries...
She has my sympathy and respect.

We have five adult children, the teasing is relentless, and continues with grandchildren.

They are now redirecting their teasing to us oldies, totally different to bullying.

Totally uncalled for Germanshepherdsmum. StarDreamerwas simply joining in the discussion with an anecdote from his own experience. As we all do.

I agree with Chewbacca. There’s a big difference between meeting somebody for the first time and a comment being made about your height/weight/big nose/birthmark or whatever - which may be rude, but isn’t bullying, and somebody you know constantly teasing you about an element of your appearance they know you are sensitive about, which is bullying.

There are occasions when teasing is subtle bullying so if you're being teased and it upsets you then I think it should be called out. If the intention was to tease rather than upset then the behaviour will stop once it's known the affect it's having.

I do agree with your earlier post Chewbacca regarding passive aggressive behaviour which for me is worse than teasing and I have had experience of both, because the perpetrator casts themselves in the role of victim, making you the 'bad guy' if you call them out on it, and calling them out on it, rarely stops it anyway.

Excellent post Maw and as you say Edith Eger's book is, like the lady herself, unforgettable.

> "What's the weather like up there?"

The response to that one is relatively harmless.

"Clear and bright."

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Don't worry about it StarDreamer; all's good.

My husband thinks he’s teasing - me, children, grandchildren. It's not bullying, but not funny either. He’s impervious to suggestions he stop -just seems completely insensitive to the negative reactions.
With regard to making comments about someone’s appearance, I’ve realised it’s never appropriate- except perhaps to say a person is looking well - maybe. It used to be acceptable to say in admiring tones “I notice you’ve lost weight”, but not “you’ve put on a bit of weight”! We don’t know why someone has lost weight - they could have an illness. And people don’t usually say - “aren’t you small”, but don’t mind commenting on how tall a person is - neither of which they can help.

I can see your point, to an extent StarDreamer; especially as one of my closest friends has Marfan syndrome. At 6'7", she is unusually tall and is quite used to someone that she's meeting for the first time refering to it. What does annoy her is when people that she knows continue to make innane "jokes" such as "What's the weather like up there?" Like she says; I'm tall. You're not. So what?

Chewbacca

^oh dear, isn't it a shame when an original thread is taken off in another direction by one persons comment so is ruined....^

Yup. And it's predictable too.

How do you mean please?

I am sorry that what might have been harmless, if not particularly perceptive observations about your height ever made you feel victimised SD, but if I may I would like to recommend an unforgettable book by Edith Eger , a world renowned psychotherapist who more than anybody knows what being a victim is all about
In 1944, sixteen-year-old Edith Eger was sent to Auschwitz. There she endured unimaginable experiences, including being made to dance for the infamous Josef Mengele. Over the coming months, Edith’s bravery helped her sister to survive and led to her bunkmates rescuing her during a death march. When their camp was finally liberated, Edith was pulled from a pile of bodies, barely alive.

In later life she became a world famous psychotherapist and authority in the areas of suffering, forgiveness, redemption,
She says “ suffering is universal. But victimhood is optional There is a difference between victimization and victimhood. We are all likely to be victimized in some way in the course of our lives. At some point we will suffer some kind of affliction or calamity or abuse, caused by circumstances or people or institutions over which we have little or no control. This is life
…... In contrast, victimhood comes from the inside. No one can make you a victim but you. We become victims not because of what happens to us but when we choose to hold on to our victimization. We develop a victim’s mind—a way of thinking and being that is rigid, blaming, pessimistic, stuck in the past, unforgiving, punitive, and without healthy limits or boundaries. We become our own jailors when we choose the confines of the victim’s mind.”

You might like to reflect on this. At points of extreme tragedy in my life, losing a my first born child and more recently losing my husband I felt that somehow I was a victim of misfortune.
But suffering is universal, but victimhood is optional.

oh dear, isn't it a shame when an original thread is taken off in another direction by one persons comment so is ruined....

Yup. And it's predictable too.

Germanshepherdsmum

What on earth is wrong with someone saying you're tall SD? A lot of short men would like to be taller.

Are we not supposed to pass any comment whatsoever about someone's appearance lest we somehow offend them? Must everyone be wrapped in cotton wool to preserve them from perfectly ordinary comments?

Sadly some people have invisible chips the size of tree trunks on their shoulders - are we supposed to recognise them all and protect their delicate sensitivities?

It is not a matter of an individual having a chis on their shoulder.

If, say, there is an evening class on computing and there is a male lecturer and there are ten students, and as they arrive for the first meeting of the class, all of them are men, until in walks a woman, would you consider that if the lecturer said "Oh, gentlemen, we've got a woman on the course" as she enters the room, would you consider that as a perfectly ordinary comment?

If the woman looked uneasy at hearing that as she, simply attending an evening class, enters the room has had the focus put on her, would you consider she should just 'take it'?

If she responded in a way that was directly confrontational, would you consider she had a chip on her shoulder?

At work once, a man came out to fix the hydraulic lift bath thingy.
I saw an absolutely huge shadow through the frosted glass, opened the door and blurted out "Ooh, you're tall!!!".
He said "Well, that's original, I've never been told that before".

I felt terrible for being such an idiot, as he was obviously fed up with that kind of comment

I grew up in a family where relentless teasing, so-called 'jokes' and comments about appearance reigned. There was nothing affectionate about it, and yes, it was bullying. It was encouraged. I couldn't help being so thin - or having big teeth (which I grew into, eventually) any more than my father could help having red hair. It's an unfortunate way of communicating, not liked or considered 'normal' by others.