Husband, old before his time!!

Seems to me watching an elderly past-it rocker on TV is not necessarily a sign of being young at heart!

Do you work from home too tets68? Are you are out at work & he’s home all day? You say he exercises. Is he keeping fit cos he’s seeing someone else ? Sorry to say this but just another perspective. My husband of 28 years left me last year after I found out he was having an affair in the day time . He stopped wanting to go out anywhere socially with me but kept himself fit like your man .

Yes, this seems to happen to a lot of people, both men and women, as they age.

Like you I think it is to early to become "so old" in your fifties.

I am 70 and DH 66 and we have the problem too. My advice is to try and find activities that he wants to do outside your home. It has taken two years, but finally DH has started exercising and trying to get back to being fit and out-going again, so don't give up now.

Obviously going out for a meal is not one of the things your husband enjoys, but could you not go walking or running with him? Or find something else you could enjoy doing together?

Tets68, I feel for you. You should have a sit down with your DH and a long chat regarding your expectations as you age. It sounds like you compromise more than he does. If you come to an agreement where you go out to a restaurant once a month, or have a small dinner party at yours he can mentally gear himself up for it, even if it is just to make you happy.

My issue is a bit different in that while we are both 60, my DH has more physical issues than me. Bad back, achy hips, and sketchy knees. Also he had a bypass 7 years ago, so I am always a bit worried about his heart health. He takes really good care of himself by eating well and exercising, so doing everything he should.

But... don't want to give up skiing, kayaking and other more physical activities. The last few years he has come once or twice, but he really pays for it afterwards. None of my friends do those activities and they are not the sort of things to do on my own. We don't have a paddle club in town to join, so that's not really an option. I don't want to make him feel bad by asking him to do things he's not really capable of any more, so it's just left me a bit sad about that, but also very grateful that he is still here with me.

I guess aging together can have its challenges, and we all have to make compromises. There is also this wonderful site to air our gripes and hear from others. I hope you can convince hem to get out a bit more!

Due to a multitude of health problems husband has turned into a miserable, grumpy old man. I do sympathise with his difficulties but at times it gets me down as most of my suggestions as to how we could make life better are turned down.

My husband barely knows what Glastonbury is! But I agree it doesn't help the original poster to say that our OHs are not old men. I think hers might not be old before his time but that in his maturity is getting more fixed in his ways. They should talk about it.

Thank your lucky ⭐️⭐️⭐️ That he’s happy for you to go out with friends. How awful if you had to adapt to his way of ‘enjoying’ himself.

M0nica

We are in our late 70s and prefer classical music to Glastonbury. Even in the 1960s, pop music was something you listened to on the radio.

Anyway, last night DH was 30 miles away as Music Director for an Opera group he belongs to, still works, and until 2 years regularly travelled round Europe on business.

At home, he is pottering round the house all the time, doing small DIY jobs, he has had to reduce his imput since his heart attack. We enjoy sight seeing holidays and regularly travelling abroad.

I think the OP is unfortunate in her DH's behaviour. Is he depressed?

Oh that’s nice! Someone else who likes opera. My husband taught our daughter singing up until she got into the RCM and now she’s busy working towards auditions for opera schools snd young artist programmes.

Tets68

I have just joined this website. I am not a gran, but I am over 50, mhh th husband is too but blimey what an old man he has become!!
He doesn’t want to go out, works from home, runs and walks, but only locally. It is such a struggle to get him to eat out, drink at the pub etc. I have resorted to going out with girlfriends most of the time, he is happy for me to do this.
Is this what happens to Men in their 50’s?
He has turned into his elderly Father!!

Had to do a double check to make sure this post wasn’t sent by me! ?my OH has always been anti social, but it’s worse now he’s older

My DH was more sociable than me. However as he was deaf I think I became reluctant to go out as I had to be involved in all his conversations which at times was exhausting. I still am reluctant to socialise. I watched Glastonbury, did not enjoy Macca or Diana, both seemed off key a lot of the time.

They aren't all like your OH, previous comments prove that. My OH would really have liked to go to the Ramstein concert in Coventry yesterday but couldn't get tickets. He's approaching 70 and has a heavy metal music collection second to none.

Did he work from home (WFH) prior to pandemic? I worked in a very busy noisy environment prior to lockdown but WFH since. The pandemic has had a massive impact on mental health and well-being and although introverts appear to have coped well with lockdowns and the consequences of limiting social contact some are finding the return to normality very difficult. I myself feel very anxious about being amongst people and particularly driving to busy places again. I feel extremely overwhelmed after the few occasions I have returned to the office and large social gatherings. It’s as if lockdowns accelerated the transaction to a quieter life that some people find themselves in when they retire and spend more time at home. I hope you both find a happy balance going forward.

I think COVID and Lockdown have changed a lot of people. DH and I are mid 70’s and involved in community organisations but often now we can’t somehow find enthusiasm for going out for a meal or a drink or theatre or concerts. Hoping this will improve! But we need to motivate ourselves.

I've just read this whole thread through and it is absolutely hilarious!

My OH still works, he's 61. I'm 72 and disabled. I also enjoyed Glastonbury but am I bit worried if I go into a care home and they expect me to sing along to Vera Lynn, Max Byraves etc.

My ex was old in his late thirties/forties. Liked to go for a drink with friends on certain nights. Liked to be by himself in the garage messing about with a motor bike he rarely actually rode. Lots of talk about the ‘adventures’ he’d had when younger, lots of talk about what he’d like to do ( if he had the money!). No enjoying the day, holidays, making fun plans, doing things together! Mind numbing. Still the same now- all talk no action! So glad we parted as it was making me old and miserable too!

My DH isn't sociable and has a dodgy heart, well controlled with medication.
He doesn't like holidays, having travelled widely oversea for work. He likes sport on TV which is fine as I can do other things.
His most annoying habit is listening to all the grumpy presenters and callers on LBC, which I loathe. It makes car journeys really dreary.
But we've been together for over 50 years, he's a kind man with a sense of humour that knits with mine and I don't mind him being every day of his 75 years.

As you get older, the time in front of you becomes less and less than the time passed. So my motto is Adventure before Dementia. My mother and aunts had Alzheimer’s so I am determined to make the most of my time even if it means that I do it alone, my DH also behaves as if he is too old when he is only 64. He seems to deliberately take on the role of a far more elderly person than he actually is. He says he is tired all the time so I am saying see the Doctor. He sleeps 8/9 hours a night and has naps during the day, still works part time though. But it’s that state of mind he has, as if this is it now. Well it’s not for me, I am just beginning and want to do so much before I am unable to. My advice is, do what you want to, even if it means doing it by yourself. Life is short and precious..

Tets68 I know what you mean. We are both on our second marriage and after 24 years of marriage, I do see a difference between us, although to be fair he does have a few health issues. I have just got back from seeing the Rolling Stones in Hyde Park with a girlfriend and had a wonderful time. DH is perfectly happy for me to go. Later in the year I am going to the Abba The Voyage concert with DD. I just do the things I want to and then tell him all about it upon my return. We still get on well but I feel younger than him even though we are the same age at 71. Mind you, when I see Mick Jagger perform for two and a half hours at almost 79, it makes you think!

Yes

Maddyone I didn’t particularly want to watch Glastonbury, but when I went into the kitchen to make a cuppa I put the radio on, which is something I always do, and Paul McCartney was on and I could only listen to 2 minutes of it before switching off as he was so awful. So all these people saying how wonderful he was in it must have something wrong with their ears. Maybe if I had left it on longer he might have got a few bits right, but I just switched off. I was only out there for five minutes anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I liked the Beatles and went to see them when I was 12 in Walthamstow, and I’d like to remember them when they were good, not when one of them is determined to carry on regardless. Yes I know he’s a billionaire and can do what he wants etc. and gives loads of money to charity, but there was no way I was going to watch him at Glastonbury.

My OH watches all the antique and many of the quiz programmes or to be more precise he falls asleep watching them so they get repeated 2 or 3 times in a day. He has a big veg garden which means watering every day so no summer holidays, I go away with a friend. We have no neighbours and no friends or family living nearby. He will go to the supermarket. 2 or 3 times a week If we go out for a day he will ask me where I want to go and then we end up somewhere else. and stay within sight of the car
If I make a comment about the news I am always wrong and he will give another interpretation (Black is white.)
I can't walk nearby as it is all uphill and I need flat walking.
I can sympathise with other gransnetters who feel trapped and bored and I would add lonely. I once said to the ONS covid tester that he was the highlight of my month. He was rather shocked that he was the only person I talked to in a month.

Thinking about this again, unless this has always been the case it does look like lockdown may have had an affect on your DH, maybe not depression but possibly just got settled in a routine which suits him. If this really bothers you best to do something about it now. Start with a chat. You say you aren't a gran yet, are your children still at home?

Saggi

My husband had stroke at 50…. since then it’s wall to wall tv …no socialising…. no trips ….!no holidays no lunch out…. no walking up road togetheras he refuses to be seen as ‘less than perfect’ . His work/ Play/ life and wife disappeared to be replaced with tv/tv/nurse/doctor/ housekeeper! All these roles fulfilled by me…..that’s 26 years now. Talking to the wrong person here!
All I can say is ditch the miserable git before its too late.

So sorry to hear this.

winterwhite - I think that's my husband you've got there!! Mine's a little older and behaves the same. He doesn't get away with missing the gcs' school concerts, celebrations, however, but will happily wear the same pants day in, day out and has to be told when to change. Lockdown definitely did nothing to help, simply legitimised the wishes of an old academic to remain in his ivory tower!