Rude Grandchildren

timetogo2016

As daft as it sounds,i would stop speaking to them for a while,they will pick up theon vibes and maybe ask why you are being quiet.
Then quietly tell them they are hurting your feelings etc.
If that doesn`t work stop having them.
You are not a childminder,your a grandparent,totally different.

Then quietly tell them they are hurting your feelings etc.
Really?

I had a friend who used to plead with her son to behave because, if he knew how he was upsetting Mummy, he wouldn't do it ?
Of course, he did it more!

this makes me feel absolutely worthless
Why? You're the adult.

Be firm but kind and yes, 5 year olds and 3 year olds are exhausting.
Is the 5 year old at school? If so, he will probably have become more assertive and know just everything and his little brother will copy him.

Don't ask questions such as 'do you want to put your shoes/coat on?' because the answer will probably automatically be No!
'Coats/shoes on then we'll go out to play'.

Use a bit of psychology. Keep one step ahead!

I would refuse to look after any grandchildren who don’t respect you or your house. They need to be taught how to behave outside their own home.

M0nica

I was brought up asking to leave the table, so were my children and so are my DGC.

But then meals were/are eaten as a family, not as and when someone fancies eating. When eating is collegiate, it is a simple courtesy to expect anyone at the table to make apologies or ask, if they wish toleave the table.

Similarly a more flexible rule about not leaving the table during a meal, a couple of missed puddings because the children had left the table with no good reason, soon dealt with that.

When children grow-up and start eating out, they need to know how to eat in company. I think all of us can think of occasions when lunching with a group, from work etc, the whole event has been marred by one persons lack of basic table manners.

I really back you on this one MOnica. How many posts have we had about disruptive children whilst eating out. Standards are set at home in every aspect of life.
As for Sago saying she thinks that it is a repetitive post how many times has she said it about something. It can mean
1. The poster is not genuine and just trying to get an argument going, or
2. The poster really does need help and that is what we are all meant to be a self-help group when needed.
Which do you mean Sago?

I was brought up asking to leave the table, so were my children and so are my DGC.

But then meals were/are eaten as a family, not as and when someone fancies eating. When eating is collegiate, it is a simple courtesy to expect anyone at the table to make apologies or ask, if they wish toleave the table.

Similarly a more flexible rule about not leaving the table during a meal, a couple of missed puddings because the children had left the table with no good reason, soon dealt with that.

When children grow-up and start eating out, they need to know how to eat in company. I think all of us can think of occasions when lunching with a group, from work etc, the whole event has been marred by one persons lack of basic table manners.

welbeck

very few children have to ask to leave the table nowadays. we never did and i am quite old, born in the 1950s. it was not an issue, there was no problem. not everyone runs their family like that.
but getting back to OP; it's more an issue with the parents rather than the children, i think.
if you are looking after them, esp in your own house, you are in a strong position to require more input from the parents.
you need to reach a consensus on what/how is to be done. what is reasonable expectations.
if you feel worthless, it is due to your relationship with the children's parents, not the behaviour of the children.
so you have the power to withdraw your labour.
go on strike. if they really need your services, they will have to negotiate. but you need to stand firm.
good luck.

I was born in the 50's and had to say "Please may I leave the table"? both in my own house and any other I visited. I most certainly was not the only one.
My children were taught like that and their children have always asked if they can get down.
It is not making easy rules like this that make children hard to deal with when they first start nursery and school. Ask some early years teachers and they will tell you half their time at first is spent getting children to conform to a few simple rules.
You would not stand by and let a child or for that matter, a dog run into a busy road ,how do they know not to because they have been taught.
Easy simple rules that grandparents can use and lets the children know who is in charge.
If the parents disagree then as the OP suggests help can be removed. Negotiate boundaries that you want and stick to them.
Do not feel worthless and certainly do not show it or let your discussion be heard. They must learn NO means no.
Best of luck.

As daft as it sounds,i would stop speaking to them for a while,they will pick up theon vibes and maybe ask why you are being quiet.
Then quietly tell them they are hurting your feelings etc.
If that doesn`t work stop having them.
You are not a childminder,your a grandparent,totally different.

Firm consistent boundaries tell them there are rules in Granny's House they have to adhere to or there will be natural consequences ie No Park if behaviour continues, No treats etc....Tell them different rules in different houses be firm with them but fair , gain control you are the adult here and hour daughter/ son should be standing by you and putting in the effort to raise polite, respectful children....

Violet Sky is absolutely correct!

Marble jars (with attainable prizes in view on an unobtainable top shelf!), a choice of what to do (your choices of course) where the child feels empowered by making a choice will tame a bolshy three-year-old in no time at all.

Chantilly have you tried positive reinforcement rather than negative. Focus on the good things the children do - no matter how small - and praise them for it. When they do what you’ve asked them to do etc. say something like ‘I really like the way you did X,Y,Z - thank you, that was very polite.’ Even if it’s just one of the children, this approach will ‘rub off’ on the other one as well. Positive reinforcement makes for a happier, calmer house all round, and helps young children recognise good behaviour. At first, you may have to look out for the good actions but, when you spot them being good - acknowledge it! Gradually, good behaviour becomes the norm.

As others have said walk away and let your DD find and pay for childcare, she will soon change her tune. All adults should be on the same song sheet when caring for children, you should all work with boundaries so that the children know what is and is not acceptable. I'm sorry but alot of children think that they are entitled to free childcare from grandparents, most of us have worked all our lives often working opposite hours to husbands so children are cared for, well guess what they are not.

My daughter is a child psychologist , and her method of child rearing is exactly what mine was ….so she’s told me! So when I have them ….which is a lot…. they are perfect. They disagree with each other as you’d expect, with a girl of 5 and a boy of 10…. but it can soon be sorted out. Good behaviour is awarded and bad behaviour is ignored!!
The girl is more bold than the lad ….so I’d a little more difficult to ‘curb’ ….but usually get away with no tears from either , after a 6
hour stint at the helm. Tiredness causes a lot of bad behaviour in a 3 year old…. so maybe separating them for an hour or two a day would help. And always plan your activities with them….even if it’s only giving them a bit of garden to plant or weed or see how many snails they can find!!! Pre-planning could be the answer.

Chantilly

We are childminders for a few hours 2 days/per week. They just don't do as they are asked to do , they answer me back in a cheeky manner and just disobey with anything they don't want to do. Looks don't help, I've tried that too. They get away with this sort of behaviour in their own house so expect the same in mine.

Says it all for me - refuse to be childminders until they do something to make things better - I would say they have been awful and unless you can give me some ideas then maybe childcare would be better?

GraceQuirrel

Chantilly

Easily said Monica, I have tried several times to discuss this with DD but to no avail whatsoever. She doesn't want to hear it.

Tell your daughter that they behave or you’ll not babysit anymore. It’s not your job to look after them especially if it’s making you unhappy. Those kids will have a shock when they get to school so tell your daughter to start now!

You would be amazed at how many children who are badly behaved at home behave perfectly in school. I've heard so many mums complain that their child takes no notice of them when they try to discipline them.

Chantilly

Easily said Monica, I have tried several times to discuss this with DD but to no avail whatsoever. She doesn't want to hear it.

Tell your daughter that they behave or you’ll not babysit anymore. It’s not your job to look after them especially if it’s making you unhappy. Those kids will have a shock when they get to school so tell your daughter to start now!

I m rather thinking this is a daughter in law thread paddyann
I must have been a very easy going Nan as I don’t remember any particular rules to break I kept them busy, fed them, took them out and played with them a lot myself,We used to do lots of painting, walks, beach I m sure there must have been many moments but I only remember one flare up with one grandaughter when she was about 10 we soon got over it
I never did have high standards like asking to get down from the table I don’t remember my children doing that or me even
They still all get on with me as almost adults so I can’t have been too bad
3 and 5 are young keep them busy is my advice tire them out (and yourself)

Is "mum" your daughter ? Is this another bad DIL thread? Why cant you speak to your son if he's their dad .Surely he has some input in his childrens lives and behaviour?

Generations change, when my mother was a young child she was rarely allowed to disturb her father or grandfather if they were working and at leisure times her time with various family members was limited. When I was young I played in the garden and didn't disturb my parents, when we went out as a family I behaved as I had been brought up to do. When my children were young they had much more freedom albeit they have always been well mannered. Parenting styles vary. I do think that the parents should instil in their children what is and not acceptable in your home or any other home.

I just tell the GC Nanna’s house, Nanna’s rules if they’re doing something I’m not happy with. They love that ?

I wonder do you have any fun with your GCs? Part of the wonderfulness of being a GP is that you can play and pretend with them because you know that at X o'clock someone will be picking them up. When you do play with them, they develop a real affection for you and you can warn them, "If you don't listen and do as I ask then we wont play ...x later"

Chantilly, tell parents you won’t have them back again until they have a good chat to kids about how their behaviour is upsetting their grandmother.

I had one particularly belligerent grandson that I used to look after one day a week.

I would greet him at the door, happy and smiley, and the morning would start well. But when the rudeness and disobedience surfaced, which it inevitably did, I would busy myself with household chores and become deaf to all he said (whilst keeping a safety eye open).

When he had run out of steam and stopped calling me names or jumping on the furniture, I would "suddenly" recognise he was there and offer another fun activity, or a drink and a snack.

He soon learned that he only got the good stuff out of me when he wasn't misbehaving. Children love attention, even if it's bad attention, and you'll never be able to change their ways if they're allowed to get away with it at home. And they will not enjoy being with a grandparent who is constantly disapproving of their actions.

I think this is a regular poster who uses different names and always posts on the subject of disrespectful grandchildren.

My house my rules. Yes you can do that at home if Mum let's you but here you can't. Bring in school if applicable. School rules mum's rules, my rules. Kids will always test the boundaries. They need boundaries.

In your house, your rules if they disobey or talk back deny treats until they behave themselves

Chantilly - I think the clue is in the word 'childminders' which makes me think you are doing your DD a favour. I know you won't want to find yourself in a position where she removes the children from you but I think there's probably leeway for you to use the phrase "Look we love helping you out with the children, but we do need for our house rules to be respected in the same way that you want to be able to control what goes in yours" - this may drop the hint that you are doing a favour, and that DD must do something to make that easier for you. Of course it may be that your expectations of the behaviour of small children are a little outdated and maybe if you take them to play groups/library gatherings etc., where you could observe them with others, you might get an idea as to whether they're all pretty much the same or whether your gcs are indeed cheeky and rude. Good luck.