Micro managed by retired hubby

I once worked with a lady who was about sixty. She had a serious heart operation after a procedure went wrong but she was still fairly active. Her husband was a Naval Officer and when he was home on leave she always had to rush home to make sure everything was up to his standard. He would start by running his finger along the picture rails and it would be all downhill from there. She just accepted it as what husbands were like.

BlueBelle

Can someone advise me ….yes …..stand up to him he sounds a bully and you sound as if you have never stood up to him in your life you sound lost in his presence well it’s never too late Stop trying to please him you don’t need to placate him
When it comes to getting the meal ready, ask for help if he refuses then next time buy him a ready meal and tell him if he wants home cooked he ll have to help more
As for not helping with your seatbelt etc Ask him for help if he refuses stop travelling with him go on the bus, train, walk but not with him you d get far more assistance off a stranger

Do you have girlfriends/grown up children you can go out with, leave him at home You sound in a very old fashioned role of his little drudge Take your life into your own hands and tell him to look after himself and you a bit more

We are not in the nineteenth century no one needs a bully for a partner/ husband STAND UP TO HIM has the relationship always been in these roles ?

Well said Bluebelle.

If he was my old man he would have had his hair parted with the frying pan.

Well, hopefully we won't be seeing much more of this type of behaviour in the future.

I am nearly 80 and got married in the 1960s. Yes, some women, even then happily entered marriages of bondage, but most expected equality and made sure they got it. That was over 50 years ago. I would expect anyone married for less than 40 years would have expected andhave made sure they had equality from day 1.

M0nica

While the OP's specific problems arise from her current situation, this kind of behaviour arises almost always arises in a relationship where the man has held the upper hand and the woman has generally accepted doing things his way throughout the relationship and only jibs at it, when it becomes so obviously selfish and self centred and causess her deep distress.

I offer no defence of the bullying nature of some men, but remain puzzled why, nowadays, when women have known they are entitled to be treated equally and with respect in a partnership for four or five decades now, so many women acquiesce in this dominance by their partners and do not assert their own right to respect, dignity and equality from the start of their relationship.

Hi MOnica I think it's partly an age/ generational thing as the OP and partner here are both mid to late 60s. Possibly things have deteriorated over time without either noticing it was getting so bad until recently. Younger people both men and women will have been brought up differently. The younger ones will rightly demand equality from the outset whereas it's possibly going to take a bit longer for those from older generations to bring themselves up to modern day accepted standards. And not everyone will be able to make the changes. I think that there will be a lot of older people ( both men and women) left to fend for themselves as their partners decide they've had enough.

Weeshamrock I hope you and your husband can sit down to discuss the situation and agree on a more acceptable way ahead that supports you both.

While the OP's specific problems arise from her current situation, this kind of behaviour arises almost always arises in a relationship where the man has held the upper hand and the woman has generally accepted doing things his way throughout the relationship and only jibs at it, when it becomes so obviously selfish and self centred and causess her deep distress.

I offer no defence of the bullying nature of some men, but remain puzzled why, nowadays, when women have known they are entitled to be treated equally and with respect in a partnership for four or five decades now, so many women acquiesce in this dominance by their partners and do not assert their own right to respect, dignity and equality from the start of their relationship.

Baggytrazzas I completely agree with you.

^ men in their 60s and older, of very moderate ability, who went to second rate public schools, could enjoy a very comfortable career, with a wealth of secretarial and clerical support that just doesn’t exist now. Boozy lunches, golf, Friday afternoons in the pub and then going home and not lifting a finger because they’d been at work all day.^

That is really harking back well into history. I worked with people like that in the 1960s, but by the 1970s when I returned to work after 7 years at home, that had gone. I worked for a series of large companies, and civil service, mostly in the engineering sector, usually one of the most hidebound of industries, yet by the mid 1970s this culture had been swept away in the first rounds of major redundancies.

My father was an army officer and anything less of a domestic bully it would be hard to find. In the early 1950s he pushed prams, changed nappies and bottle fed my sister. I can never remember him sitting down if my mother was doing anything domestic, he was always helping her (it drove her mad!)

It was obviously a massive generalisation but also she isn’t describing a classically aggressive man; shouting, threatening and physically assaulting. Her husband’s mistreatment of her is non-violent and easily denied and refuted by gaslighting. He would see himself as light years away from that kind of “brute” and probably thinks he’s long-suffering. He’s very entitled.

It’s an insidious type of abuse. Just horrible.

Hi Loulelady, thanks for the explanation. I know lots of aggressive men and women of all ages, from all backgrounds including some who came from manual labouring families, who left school at 15, others who were more privileged and went to private schools then university and further, with a wide variety of careers including coal miners, car mechanics, teachers, lecturers, professors, senior managers, middle managers, office cleaners, police officers, etc, the lot. I can't see any correlation between jobs and bullying other family members. From what I've seen, a police officer with an aggressive streak is just as likely to try to bully his partner as a car mechanic with a similar attitude. I think the issue is more about the person being aggressive rather than linked to having been in a middle management role.

- I don’t this will be the same in the future as schools and workplaces are much flatter. However in my former industry, men in their 60s and older, of very moderate ability, who went to second rate public schools, could enjoy a very comfortable career, with a wealth of secretarial and clerical support that just doesn’t exist now. Boozy lunches, golf, Friday afternoons in the pub and then going home and not lifting a finger because they’d been at work all day.

He sounds like a horrible bully. I wouldn’t put up with it. I’m afraid if you can’t speak to him honestly, then you are probably stuck with this situation.

@Baggytrazzas
Some of the worst domestic martinets I’ve met have been retired head teachers or former middle to relatively senior managers in old fashioned companies or organisations. My guess is they miss the structure and relative hierarchy they used to enjoy and take it out on their wives.

I hasten to add that it isn’t all men who had these positions, I’ve been both the HOD in a large college and a senior manager in an old fashioned medium sized business and most of my male colleagues were lovely, but my husband, whose job takes him into predominantly middle class retired people’s homes has noticed similar.

Has this been since he retired? Lots of people go a bit doolally when they retire, especially from very routine jobs. It can take a bit of getting used to. Maybe he is throwing himself into all the jobs he couldn't do when he was working.

Perhaps it's time to sit down and have a chat about it, and tell him how you feel. Tell him how well he is doing everything but now you need some help, just as you helped him back onto his feet when he was unwell and explain the difference it would make ("I need some help getting my seat belt undone, then I could get out of the car faster"). Explain what you need help with, like chopping vegetables, don't expect him to know. Lots of people have no comprehension at all of other people's illnesses and disabilities (me amongst them) until it's explained. No point shouting and screaming at him or getting angry, it wouldn't solve a thing.

Loulelady

I’m gobsmacked by your further post, at the lack of gratitude and care when you have done so very much for him.

He must be a very selfish man and I wonder if he thinks he is superior to you. Would you say he regards himself as better informed, more intelligent etc.? Was he middle-management or HOD in a hierarchical organisation? He is bullying you and you don’t deserve it.

I would nurture friendships and relationships with other family and leave him to his own devices when he is unpleasant. Set some ground rules over domestic chores and how you speak to each other.

Start putting yourself first for a change, he lacks respect for you. It’s him, not you and to borrow the language of the playground; he is not the boss of you.

He’s been very fortunate to meet and marry you.

Hi Loulelady, I'm just wondering what the connection is between OP being potentially abused and/or bullied and whether her husband was middle-management or HOD in a hierarchical organisation?

I’m gobsmacked by your further post, at the lack of gratitude and care when you have done so very much for him.

He must be a very selfish man and I wonder if he thinks he is superior to you. Would you say he regards himself as better informed, more intelligent etc.? Was he middle-management or HOD in a hierarchical organisation? He is bullying you and you don’t deserve it.

I would nurture friendships and relationships with other family and leave him to his own devices when he is unpleasant. Set some ground rules over domestic chores and how you speak to each other.

Start putting yourself first for a change, he lacks respect for you. It’s him, not you and to borrow the language of the playground; he is not the boss of you.

He’s been very fortunate to meet and marry you.

That sounds more like bullying gaslighting than micromanaging
Lots of sympathy , it must be so hard to live with- can your grown up children be enlisted to back you up?

Oooh sounds like mine.
My daughter tells me he's frightened and just doesn't know how to cope when I'm ill. This makes him feel helpless, she says, and he gets angry.
I truly don't know how to deal with it, this type of man doesn't respond to reasoned explanations and its well nigh impossible to change their mindset.
I did try Wiltshire foods, and also Parsley Box - they're horrible and tiny portions, but I do buy more ready meals from the supermarket and very good they are too.
I do now actually make a point of NOT having a meal ready on the table, even if he's late I make sure he has to wait at least 5 minutes by stirring, opening the oven door and generally fussing. Making him wait gives me a childish satisfaction (silly I know).
I no longer help with DIY or outside work, though the urge to try is hard to resist.
But any advice to leave is unhelpful, just because these men are bullies and 'nasty' doesn't mean we no longer love the bug,ers.
Learn to love yourself and be selfish, as another poster said - stop trying to please him - and please yourself.
(your name suggests you are from Scotland, is it a northern trait? I'm just across the border in England).

So sorry for you OP, my father at times would intimidate my mother and get impatient with her if she wasn't ready in time when we were going out, completely overlooking the fact that she was getting us all ready as well as herself, which he didn't help her with, plus he could be overly critical in some ways, particularly about things like the dinner not being ready in time. Every so often he'd catch her at the wrong time and she'd go ballistic, threaten to walk out and that knocked him into shape for at least a couple of weeks he'd be apologetic, grovel a bit, almost nice, until he slipped back into his old ways. It is a bullying of sorts I do think there are those who take advantage of their partner's good nature and don't look to themselves as to what they're bringing to the table in a practical sense.

I'd deploy some of the strategies outlined here, he needs a wake up call, particularly as to how he is being less than sympathetic to your condition and intimidating with it. Don't carry on putting up with it some people are too nice for their own good, he need to reciprocate all the care you have given him over the years.

Good luck and best wishes.

This is pure and simply abuse. Time to decide what you need and want and let him know.
At that point I would go away for a few days to let him stew in his own juice.
On return there would be an ultimation, change or I'm checking out.
You are not even 70, surely you want to enjoy the rest of your life.
You ask what is going on - well simply he is turning into a bully and you don't have to accept that kind of life.
Best wishes. ?

Stop preparing meals. There are a host of companies out there like Wiltshire Farm Foods who will deliver meals to the door, not to mention the wide range of readymeals available from every supermarket.

Just tell him that with your arm and hand problems it is not practical for you to continue cooking from scratch so henceforth you will live on ready meals.

You do not need to shout or have rows. Just tell him in a firm clear voice what adjustments you are making to your life to accommodate your disabilities and then get on with it and ignore any protests he might make.

I suggest you don't help him in the garden at all. Cook meals which need little preparation, simple meals or ones already prepared, pop a pizza into the oven if you're having a bad day.

If he is so stuck on male/female jobs then he will have to accept what you can and can't do. he sounds unpleasant.

I'd go out in the car with a friend/s or relative, someone who is kind and helpful, understanding and unselfish. Plenty of people are. Leave him at home to bound out to wherever he wants to go...on his own.

You aren't being treated well.

What does he say when you tell him he’s annoying you and not providing the support you need?

How does he respond when you ask for help with chopping vegetables, or other jobs that are difficult for you presently?

I agree with Loulelady and Shelflife

Also, I don't think men deal with bad health and infirmity in their partners very well.

I think they panic at the change to the status quo and don't know how to respond, other than pretending nothing has changed!

A lot of men, especially older men, seem to rely heavily on their wives for all kinds of things. And take them for granted until something happens to make them not so available any longer.

I am sorry I am not expressing this very well.

Sounds like he thinks his role is the gardener/handyman, while you are the cook/housekeeper. I bet he never cooks anything at all, does he? I reckon he's too set in his ways for that to change now, but he could be more patient with you regarding leaving the house/car.

My ex had been doing several versions of this for years - in fact since day 1 (just to busy/optimistic/thick to notice) and I am 7 years his junior.
I have left him.

Is it any significant loss? Well he can drive and has a car and I can’t and don’t. As he never wanted to drive me anywhere without a huge palaver and complained throughout every journey, I suppose it is a notional loss really.
I am in a sort of mourning for things that could and should have been and the fact I have wasted a quarter of a century on him.
On the upside?though I’m still healthy and much happier.
I can b r e e e a t h e