Pushing teenagers to be more sociable

I saw a mother force her child, aged about eight, to go over and play with the other children on the green. The very reluctant child wandered over slowly, hovered uncomfortably around the edge ignored by the other kids for a good while, then wandered back.

I know the mother probably meant well but it wasn't fair on the child.

My oldest grandson used to get nagged (not by us) to get out and about with his friends, who were generally up to no good.
Now the younger one gets in trouble for actually being out and about and about with with his mates, as they are generally up to no good.

I hated parties as a teen and still do. I'm quite content with a couple of close friends, as is this 17 year old.

My mother used to push the need to socialise. I always felt like I was defective in some way as a result. It took me till middle age to realise that we might be conditioned to believe we need a lot of friends, but it's not a problem to not be that way. Sometimes I think I'd be quite a happy hermit.

I agree M0nica. You can offer opportunities; you can't and shouldn't try and define someone else's character. We'd be horrified if someone treated an adult in that way and, at 17, she is in many ways, an adult.

Some people are like that. it doesn't mean they are loners, or withdrawn or anti social or have any problems of any kind. If that is how she is happy sh should be let be.

If her mother keeps going on like this it will cause resentment and her daughter could easily turn her back on her.

I don't think it's anything to do with covid or 'normal' progression. She's just a not particularly extroverted girl, happy to do quiet things with a couple of good friends while also enjoying time at home with family or her own company.

When your granddaughter was 15 the proverbial hit the fan world wide.
Looking at my grandchildren at 15 they were starting to spread their wings with their friends.
Covid put a stop to the normal progression of socialising as a teenager. It had to be done through FaceTime, WhatsApp, zoom, TikTok.
That habit has now become set.

Vintagejazz

I remember when my older niece was around the same age my sister was always telling us how "she wasn't home until one o clock this morning ", "we never see her she has such a busy social life", "oh I can't keep track of all her boyfriends" in a proud voice.

I genuinely think she feels a bit ashamed that niece no 2 doesn't have a zillion friends and a hectic social life. As if it's some kind of failure.

I think this is a case of the mother wanting everyone to know how popular her elder daughter is. Probably living her life vicariously through her daughter.

Poor you having to watch this. If you have the opportunity (without breaking the eggshells you will be walking on) let her have a copy of this poem. It's always been a favourite of mine and, I know, of many on here.

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

MOnica

I wasn’t referring to adult children and grandchildren holidaying with parents. I was meaning adult (single) children who still live at home. I’m thinking of a neighbour with a son in his 20’s, lives at home but has a good ish job. I don’t think he does much en famille, but seems happy to go on a summer holiday with them. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but my own children by that age preferred to go with their own friends.

My mum was like that, trying to force me into social activities that that I didnt want to do and that made me feel very awkward, just because they are what she did as a youngster, therefore not doing them wasn't 'normal'.

I still feel humiliated now, recalling some of the things she arranged behind my back to make me go out, like arranging for the daughter of one of her friends, who I barely knew, had nothing in common with, and was also younger than me, to drag me along with her one night to a disco that she and her friends frequented!

I know my mum was only doing what she thought was best for me, trying to make me less introverted, but those experiences only worsened my social anxiety and knocked my already low self-esteem and confidence.

Youngsters need their parents to first and foremost recognize their individual personality, and accept that they must work with it, not against it.

Our dds always would, Calendargirl - if we were going anywhere they fancied and were paying!

I had one dd who was intensely sociable - she still is - and one who was more introverted/self sufficient - and still is.

The trouble is, people who are more extrovert/very sociable, often seem to think there’s something wrong with people who just aren’t. It can be v hard or impossible to convince them otherwise!

Constantly being compared with other people is annoying/damaging depending on the person being compared, and it is pretty much always pointless as a strategy for making someone into who you want them to be. They are two different people, as you say. Unfortunately, you can't change your sister either, so all you can do is make it clear to your niece that you love her for who she is, and that there is no one 'standard' to live up to.

FWIW my own sister can be a bit like that - if she thinks something is funny, anyone who doesn't is humourless. If she thinks something isn't worth worrying about, anyone who does is neurotic, but if something is important to her she finds people who aren't bothered about it slapdash and and so on. Ironically, she sees herself as tolerant and broad-minded, but in fact it's quite the reverse. Most of us see ourselves as the baseline (how can we not?) but it's healthier to recognise that so does everyone else, and try to live and let live.

I spent a lot of my teens dragging myself to discos and nightclubs thatcI didn't enjoy at all. However it was the done thing.

I realised years later that a lot of my friends didn't enjoy them either.

This reminds me of being a teenager when my mother decreed that I was too young to have what I believe is now called an exclusive relationship. I followed her advice, but that was wrong as well because “going out with different boys, you will get yourself talked about”……….I thought then that there was no pleasing her!

My point is that it every generation seems to have a view on the way youngsters should be running their lives. I think that so long as they are well advised about personal safety, and any changes in behaviour picked up, it is best to let them get on with it. It doesn’t matter what “people think” what Mrs XYD’s children do, they are individuals, feeling their way in life. My grandchildren are all very different and lead very different lives, but they are happy, and in the end, that is what is important.

Both our children, now hovering around 50, come over to our French house with us for a week each summer. It is a chance to spend time with them and with grandchildren. We have also had other family holidays together.

As neither of our children live near us we appreciate these weeks together. Yes, we pay, because we are well off and can afford to treat them. However both of them have other holidays they pay for themselves, as do we.

DD is coming on a cruise with us this autumn and paying for herself.

A bit different, but neither of my children, now well in their 40’s, went on holiday with us after they were about 16.

I know times have changed, but am often surprised to hear that adult children, in their 20’s, still do. No doubt Mum and Dad still pay!

Well the youngest will no doubt be aware of that so that must be difficult for her.

We are all different. I have never been a party animal, preferring friends in ones and twos and pursuing my interests.

Anyway 17 is still quite young and young people mature and develop at different speeds. Give your niece all the support you can and try and encourage your sister to relax.

I remember when my older niece was around the same age my sister was always telling us how "she wasn't home until one o clock this morning ", "we never see her she has such a busy social life", "oh I can't keep track of all her boyfriends" in a proud voice.

I genuinely think she feels a bit ashamed that niece no 2 doesn't have a zillion friends and a hectic social life. As if it's some kind of failure.

My Mum can't understand why one of mine isn't married/going out/doing whatever she feels he should be doing. I think he is just settled with who he is and i can't really see what the problem is. My others are all party animals, even my youngest.

Oh my God that would have driven me insane as a teenager. I didn't really find my tribe till my twenties and then was very happy going out every night. But I also have friends who never did the party drinking thing, they are very rounded happy people.

They are their own person,let them decide.

Half the nation's parents of teenagers are worried because their child is partying too much and the other half because their child doesn't party.
Your sister should beware of what she wishes for. I didn't discover parties etc until I went to college then I had a wild time! Her daughter may be the same.