Husband jealous burst a balloon of help and care

It is perfectly possible for a man and a woman to be platonic friends and for that never to change, and it's a shame that so many people read more into innocent situations than would ever be there.

Isn't it just. I've got 2 close friends, who just happen to be male; one is married, the other widowed. I see and speak to them as frequently as I wish. OH has a hobby, that I have no involvement with, that has given him friends both male and female. Neither one of us would dream of putting limits on when, where, how often we speak to or see them and would deem any interference with that as controlling behaviour.

Are you 100% he is as broken as you claim him to be?

Could there be projection of your own grief?

Another darger here is when you lose a loved one yourself.

What are your expectations for other people to support you?

OP

I know there is no timeline for grieving.

However, you seem to be obsessed about this man.

Why is it? Because of the loss you experienced together?

Have you done the same for other people close to you who lost a loved one?

Sending a message "are you ok?" - it has a negative connotation.
You send that for something that happened recently, not a year ago
It is as if you are still concentrating on the loss instead of moving forward

Something like "hope you are having a good day!" Or "great weather out there, perfect chance to enjoy (insert his hobby here)"

How long are you planning to make yourself responsible for his wellbeing?

Your reply to our messages shows the pain you are in. You need grief therapy instead of bonding with her widower

No I know you didnt I was just talking generally.

Callistemon21

Galaxy

I donr think it's weird to have friends as a couple but I think it's odd to insist all friends are met as a couple. I would find it so claustrophobic.

I didn't say that at all.

What I did say was that it is a pity Serendipity's DH can't find it in his heart to be charitable towards a bereaved man who still seems to be in need of support.
Perhaps he needs male company too.

Galaxy

I donr think it's weird to have friends as a couple but I think it's odd to insist all friends are met as a couple. I would find it so claustrophobic.

I didn't say that at all.

I hope you can find a resolution Serendipity.

Thank you ..

It's just such a sad carry on.... I mean DH has it fixed firmly in his mind that any communication whatsoever, be it a message are you ok ? or an actual visit, alllll adds up to an affair may develop, that is why I ended up shouting ( as I put in previous replies ) because I saw it as absolute absurd and allllll my previous explosions of the man is broken, he has lost his wife ( and his dad ) fell on deaf ears, i broke down in utter tears because I couldn't believe that something so utterly, utterly disgusting could be construed from something soooooo raw and painful and not only my friends husband, but left a huge void in me too, so I suppose the shouting and crying were out of sheer ddisbelief.

Anyway, I have seen the bigger picture from your replies and I do thank you for taking the time to post them. Its just very very sad that it has all erupted like this...

Galaxy

I donr think it's weird to have friends as a couple but I think it's odd to insist all friends are met as a couple. I would find it so claustrophobic.

I don't think that anybody is insisting all friends should be met as a couple, I just think it is a way of demystifying the relationship between the OP and her late friend's husband. Most people who suffer from jealousy/anxiety are worried more about what they don't know than what they do.
If the OP doesn't want to compromise, then I think she has every right to carry on her relationship. However, she should not "hide" anything nor be unkind about it but at the end of the day, it is her husband who needs to own his feelings. The OP can facilitate this by being kind and transparent about it.
I've been a jealous person and I know from experience, the more my partner gave in, the more I worried. When my husband refused to give in to my demands but offered a way forward by including me or carrying on without me but being open about it, I got much better about things...although I occasionally get a rush of blood to the head but I know it is me struggling with some through back feelings rather than my husband doing anything wrong.

I donr think it's weird to have friends as a couple but I think it's odd to insist all friends are met as a couple. I would find it so claustrophobic.

Galaxy

I dont think there is a compromise on this one that's the problem. Either she sees this man or she doesnt. The thing about seeing him with the dh is just weird to be honest, I have friends we see as a couple and friends I see on my own, I don't need to be accompanied everywhere and neither does dh.

I don't think it's at all weird to both see him, go out with him as a couple, ask him round for a meal, encourage him to get out and join groups eg U3A, Probus etc.
Although perhaps we're weird and don't realise it!

Because we kept up the relationship we have met our friend's new wife and have been out occasionally as couples.

He would leave me if I insisted on going to the football with him

I dont think there is a compromise on this one that's the problem. Either she sees this man or she doesnt. The thing about seeing him with the dh is just weird to be honest, I have friends we see as a couple and friends I see on my own, I don't need to be accompanied everywhere and neither does dh.

Galaxy

If your behaviour causes your partner to feel controlled and unhappy and as if they are unable to interact with other males then you need to work to ensure your behaviour does not make them feel that like.

Why is it one or the other?

Isn't both possible with good effective communication?

If your behaviour causes your partner to feel controlled and unhappy and as if they are unable to interact with other males then you need to work to ensure your behaviour does not make them feel that like.

I think that it’s quite natural of your husband to be a bit jealous of the bond that you have with her widower; but it’s all being blown out of proportion maybe.

Serendipity's DH probably feels excluded because Serendipity and the widower have a shared experience in that they both lost the person they loved, albeit loved in different ways.

If only he could bring himself to be included in this friendship he might become friendly with this man too, but he won't, he prefers to remain aloof and outside the circle of friends and expects his wife to do the same.

Galaxy

That women shouldnt go and see a friend three times a year because she should put her husbands feelings first.

That anyone should be upfront and never consider lying.

That if you are messaging with someone, that you are sharing that with your partner or at the very lest not hiding anything.

That if your partner feels insecure, you find out why and ask what you can do to mitigate that and ensure that it is not your behaviour causing the insecurity.

Nothing to do with being a woman... it work both ways

If you lie to your dh then it will look like your hiding something.
Be upfront and tell him when your going to see your friends husband,and Dh can like it or lump it.
Its him that has the problem,he needs to grow up imo.

That women shouldnt go and see a friend three times a year because she should put her husbands feelings first.

I think relationships shouldn't ask for perfection.

And they should definitely be honest.

Whether husband has any reason to feel insecure or not, thats how he feels.

So that needs dealing with and boundaries need to be put in place until he doesn't feel insecure.

He may have reasons he feels that way that need to be heard.

Life would be easy if we could just say to people "you shouldn't feel that way" in it was magically all better

However what actually happens is people still feel that way and they get the message that you don't care because you don't agree with those feelings.

Sorry, I meant, which post are you referring to?

What do you mean Galaxy?

Is this how people think relationships should work?

no don't do anything underhand or in secret if you value your marriage.
i agree with VioletSky and a few others above.
if you were single you could just take off and do what you want, wise or not.
but you chose to be married, to share your life and to put your husband first in your affections and allegiance.
that makes a difference.
what you do affects him. and what you want to do affects him.
also you have set up a false dichotomy: either abandon the poor bereaved man, leave him alone in his misery,
or defy/ignore your husband and go see the man in secret.
yet you have said that he is in touch with others, he is not isolated.
also you can show support by message/cards to him in full view of your husband.
you seem to tend towards dramatic all or nothing scenarios. that is rarely a realistic assessment of a situation.

Your husband seems the jealous sort so just stop talking about your friend and visit him when you want to.