Husband jealous burst a balloon of help and care

Hello Serendipity?
I hope that you are feeling a bit better about this today.

I’m so very sorry to read of the death of your dear friend

I think that it’s quite natural of your husband to be a bit jealous of the bond that you have with her widower; but it’s all being blown out of proportion maybe.

I remember my DH being a bit jealous of a man who I worked with (he is not a jealous man at all, but I was spending all day every day with this man, and we were really good friends).

Something has obviously touched a nerve with your husband.
Be gentle with him, and it will all blow over, I’m sure x

Thank you all for your thoughts, its certainly made me see this from a different angle....

I suppose I was doing what I instantly do, just being me but not seeing the bigger picture.

Thank you..... ?

You aren’t needed to prop up this man so maybe just stick to a Christmas card and leave it at that. If you turned the tables and your DH was visiting and texting another woman I dare say you may not like it.

If my husband was secretly texting and meeting a bereaved woman, I would be annoyed, not because of jealousy but because it's underhand and sneaky would mean they can't be trusted. The other woman is hardly likely to be kept going because of their input. I believe if you wanted to help anyone you include them with your other half.

I think the fact you are even considering contacting your late friend's husband in secret rather than including your husband is very telling. Is your husband usually the jealous type.
I think your arguments about any involvement with your husband seem a bit lame and I wonder if you are fooling yourself a bit. I don't mean that unkindly and it could be that it is just the loss of your friend that means you feel so desperate to keep in touch rather than any romantic connotation.
If your concern for this man is purely for friendship's sake, I'd find a way that included your husband or just be open about it and face the consequences. I do think if you give in to jealousy, it just make things worse. Transparency can only give your husband a chance to learn how to trust.

*It may start off all above board and very be veryplatonic.
But, what happens if you go round one day and he's really upse?. You will end up hugging him (after all that's what any decent friend would do, right)? Bam! Straight away you will be having a physical connection. He or you, or both, may read too much into the hug, especially if alcohol is added to the mix.
You seem overly invested in this man's happiness and I think you're on a slippery slope and your husband is right to express concern.*
I think there are a lot of 'what ifs' here. If he's upset, if you hug him, if one of you reads too much into it, if you've been drinking.

It is perfectly possible for a man and a woman to be platonic friends and for that never to change, and it's a shame that so many people read more into innocent situations than would ever be there.

Rather than texting or meeting your friend's husband alone to make sure he is okay, why don’t you organize a group meeting say a meal to include him, all your other friends and their spouses and your DH as well.

I personally feel that you have done more than what most normal people will do, making sure that your friend’s DH is still okay after a year.

I misjudged original post, visiting 3 times in a year and under 20 messages is nothing to get miffed about. Just a bit if support. I wouldn't lie about it, just carry on doing what I feel I should Husband must be either very unreasonable or jealous .

snowberryZ

It may start off all above board and very be veryplatonic.
But, what happens if you go round one day and he's really upse?. You will end up hugging him (after all that's what any decent friend would do, right)?
Bam! Straight away you will be having a physical connection.
He or you, or both, may read too much into the hug, especially if alcohol is added to the mix.
You seem overly invested in this man's happiness and I think you're on a slippery slope and your husband is right to express concern.
Can you honestly say, hand on heart that you would be happy for your husband to go out of his way to make another woman happy, to the extent of visiting her, one on one and potentially in secret?
It's not your job to make this man happy.

I agree, its not my job to make him happy, you are quite right.

It is now a case of what was once a normal, natural scenario, is now one of awkwardness and in some way sad that a person ( any person ) finds themselves in a situation such as this and people keep their distance for fear of it being misinterpreted into more than support, very sad.

Serendipity, you have not said whether or not you are developing an obsession with visiting the bereaved friend . If your concern for this man is becoming obsessional so you keep thinking about him , or you visit him daily , then your husband is right to be worried .

It may start off all above board and very be veryplatonic.
But, what happens if you go round one day and he's really upse?. You will end up hugging him (after all that's what any decent friend would do, right)?
Bam! Straight away you will be having a physical connection.
He or you, or both, may read too much into the hug, especially if alcohol is added to the mix.
You seem overly invested in this man's happiness and I think you're on a slippery slope and your husband is right to express concern.
Can you honestly say, hand on heart that you would be happy for your husband to go out of his way to make another woman happy, to the extent of visiting her, one on one and potentially in secret?
It's not your job to make this man happy.

Getting over the loss of a close friend is very hard.
He is your link to her.

Serendipity22

Yes, I agree 100% and that is precisely what I said to DH.... I said its ludicrous. Its not as if I'm calling to see him allll the time, I wouldn't do that in any case.

Once again, thank you.....
Appreciated

I joined GN when I lost my dearest friend who was like the sister I never had.
Even after all this time I still miss her terribly.

Her DH seems fine now, having remarried.

Allsorts

I would want to support him and help him begin to adjust. Can’t you invite him over now and then and involve your husband, I would have a talk if it were my husband, saying can’t we help him through this. He probably feels very excluded.

I understand totally of your suggestion, I honestly do, but judging by the assumption my DH came to the other day, me suggesting he came over for tea or just coffee would be an instantaneous assumption that it was alllll adding to what he ridiculously believed that an affair could begin and by inviting him over would only mean that he ( DH ) had 'helped' in the start of this affair !!!!

So THAT is why I am saying ( a few posts previous ) that its either a) turn my back on the poor broken man or b) keep in touch secretly ... i mean secretly with the intention of preventing a huge fall out...

What a carry on !!

I would want to support him and help him begin to adjust. Can’t you invite him over now and then and involve your husband, I would have a talk if it were my husband, saying can’t we help him through this. He probably feels very excluded.

Yes, I agree 100% and that is precisely what I said to DH.... I said its ludicrous. Its not as if I'm calling to see him allll the time, I wouldn't do that in any case.

Once again, thank you.....
Appreciated

Calendargirl

After reading the OP’s post, then the various comments and her replies, it seems to me a bit of a mountain out of a molehill.

After 12 months, I agree.

Just say to your DH you're making a quick phone call every so often to your friend's widower to make sure he's ok, coping, going out etc.
Unless he's really depressed, there's no need for more propping up now.

After reading the OP’s post, then the various comments and her replies, it seems to me a bit of a mountain out of a molehill.

Thank you for your replies. I think, well, i dont think I know that its because of the type of person I am and also because I just know 100% that its what my friend would have done if it was the other way round. Its a natural impulse to help someone when they are down but yes, absolutely its only been 3 times in a whole 12 months ( well, almost 12 months)

Soooo very awkward.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply and give your thoughts.....

Ohhhhh before I forget, I cant invite him to anything myself and DH go to because we only go on days out together, coffee in cafe lunch, look round the market towns nearby, maybe a quiet drink in a country pub sometimes, so everything we do is just the 2 of us, so eyebrows would definitely be raised if I suggested my friends husband comes along too !!! Im not that close to him and to be quite honest, without sounding awful, I wouldn't want him there, I wouldnt find it benefitting him whatsoever......

Well to be honest three visits in a year is not worth getting upset over either by your husband or by you I d calm it all done he sounds as if he’s doing fine with lots of friends and lots to keep him busy so as the kids song says let it go not worth the agro

I really think if you are even considering doing it secretly, you have a problem here.

I do believe men and women can be friends and nothing more but I also believe your partners feelings are real and genuine and that is an issue that won't be helped by keeping secrets

You would create emotional distance between you and husband and he will feel it.

Id put your husbands needs first here

You need to talk this through, not from a position of you being (understandably) cross because you aren't doing anything wrong...

But from a position of listening

Find out why he is insecure and what can be done to work on it...

Because that insecurity might be his problem but you are married

I have seen work colleagues I dont particularly like more than that

Smileless2012

3 visits to his house and maybe 15- 20 messages. I really don't see what your H has to be insecure about Serendipity.

Me neither now - perhaps it's your DH who needs to get out and socialise more, Serendipity?

3 visits to his house and maybe 15- 20 messages. I really don't see what your H has to be insecure about Serendipity.

This I have suggested but husband replies "He is your friend, not mine."

Oh dear!
He's nursing his resentment.
Perhaps if he made an effort to befriend him he could encourage him to socialise more widely and not depend on his wife's friends for company.