Husband jealous burst a balloon of help and care

ExDancer

I was in your position.
My friend who died had been declining for several years and her husband and I became quite friendly, so it was natural I should want to help him when he was lonely.
However, he became so dependant on me I came to the conclusion he was never going to pick himself up and get on with the rest of his life.
Just how much help are you giving? Are you sure you're helping him and not encouraging him to become reliant on you? Its so lovely to be needed.
How often do you see him - once a week, twice, every day?
It might be a good idea to gradually curtail your visits and put your husbands and your own mind at ease too.
Tough love but he must learn to get by without you eventually.
In the end, my dead friend met a new lady and married her after a 6 month courtship.
I was gobsmacked! Served me right.

Ohhh I would say in almost 1 year I have been to the house 3 times and sent maybe 15....20 messages .... I most certainly am not in the doorstep, he lives about 1 hr drive away.

He has a lot of friends and apparently keeps busy my input is simply Hi how are you?

My DH has met him a couple of times and it has always been with his wife ( my friend )

welbeck

are you seriously saying that going to see this man secretly, for whatever reason, is a fair way to treat your husband.
no wonder he has worries.
why can you as a couple not support him together, both of you visit him and invite him, include him in larger gatherings etc.

This I have suggested but husband replies "He is your friend, not mine."

I havent gone to see my friends husband 'secretly', I have always said it in conversation that I ha e messaged him to see he ok or that I called to see him nothing but nothing has been done in secret, I was meaning NOW that husband has errupted, I am placed in a position of a) I desert him or b) I keep a check on him but dont announce it like I did before.

Thank you, Doodledog.

StarDreamer I am married, and not in the market for shinenegans, so I would simply say something like 'Thank you, that's very kind. Richard thinks so too, which is good to know after 40 years of marriage. Now, how are you getting on with painting that fence?'

A single woman may or may not see him as attractive, so might choose to say 'I've always liked you too', or 'Sorry, John, I value you as a friend but would prefer to keep it that way' or whatever comes naturally to her.

A married woman in an unhappy marriage who has always secretly hankered after John might behave differently though - people don't really work to a script.

The point is that if someone is happily married they won't be looking for anyone else, and on the whole, if you don't look you don't find.

When I was widowed many years ago a male colleague was very helpful especially at work. Then he started visiting me at home. We had always been friendly and I was able to speak to him quite freely. He then stopped coming telling me that his wife didn’t like it. I accepted this as I would probably have felt the same in her position.

I can't desert the man turn my back on him because my friend is no longer here.

Serendipidity
You don't have to desert him but you do have to encourage him to gain independence, join social groups and move on with his life.

> My friend close friends are holding her husband ...

Hmm. Freudian slip?

This is a chat thread.

So, going away from this particular case so as not to be about this particular man.

If a woman is helping the widower of her friend, and he suddenly says, out of the blue "You know, I've always admired you - you're a very attractive woman".

Two scenarios.

1. The woman is unmarried.

2. The woman is married.

For each scenario, how does the woman ... react ... deal with the situation ... whatever?

Galaxy if you were the husband are you sure you wouldn’t mind if the male friend was posting ‘little’ comments on Fb?

My friends close friends are holding her husband up checking he is ok, Sunday lunch at their home, messages

So what is poster needing to do for him, it sounds as if he well looked after without her
It’s a year ago that your friend died and I agree with callistamom he shouldn’t need so much care now he needs to start looking out for himself a little bit more
Is it worth upsetting your marriage over

Turn it round, if your husband was disappearing to do jobs and look out for a lady who’s husband had died a year ago and she was putting little things on Fb ? Wouldn’t you feel concerned ?

I think that there certain situations where, emotional connections develop that push out the other partner.

There is a lot of literacy available on emotional affairs and the damage they can do.

I think you need to understand your husbands concerns here.

The best way to proceed would be to support this man as a couple.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear friend

Luckygirl3

I am not suggesting she should lie - but do not see any reason to announce to him where you are going - unless he requires this then I think you have another problem here.

Really?

Even couples should maintain some courtesy t each other.

Just going out without saying "I'm just popping to the shops/out for lunch with a friend/ going to help John sort out Mary's things is common courtesy, surely?

It's a year since your friend died, Serendipidity - really he needs to start joining groups, going out, making a life for himself without being so dependent on his wife's friends and perhaps you should all be encouraging this.

I would probably say 'I'm popping over to see if John is ok. Do you want to come along? No? Ok, see you later', and be done with it, but I know it's easy for us to sit here and give advice. We aren't dealing with your husband and you are.

I probably could have done the same, in fact did go round to help him sort out my friend's things, but our bereaved friend seemed to like coming here and he and DH began to get on really well together. DH cooked for him sometimes.

If Serendipity22's DH feels rather insecure about this, there are ways round it without abandoning her friend's widower.

The soul mate was her female friend.
Under no circumstances could I live with a man who couldnt cope with me seeing a friend.

agree with Hithere; well put.

Everyone needs boundaries there appears to be a few crossed here.

Why would your friends widower make comments on FB about your visits. I most certainly would question that.

Why do you feel the need to be so attentive. You are not beholden to this soul mate friend so limit visits.

Your husband has no right to dictate where you go. Unless he sees something clearly that you don't.

Too much attention to one person and it shouldn't interfere with your life. Be a friend by all means but you yourself have to set your own boundaries. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot your husband's mate died and left a widow.

Perhaps see if your husband will come with you to help
He obviously is insecure in some way and I don’t think that he’s doing it to be nasty but is scared and there must be a reason perhaps he’s been scared about your closeness before but now your friend has gone it’s reared it’s head, and he’s not daft, these things can happen, my cousins wife was helping his friend through widowhood and it developed into a relationship which had never surfaced when she was alive

I think doing it in secret is the worst thing you can do because it would be totally incriminating when he finds out, and he will there’s always someone to say something

I think you must look long and hard at what you are doing with/for this man and think carefully too about your husbands fears they aren’t unheard of

He puts odd comments on Fb??? What !!! He’s lovely and we have lots of laughs how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? You say you can desert this man but previously you said there’s an army of friends helping ?? So maybe calm it down or ask you pr husband to help

Just a thought - if your OH doesn't want to get involved could you go with another friend? So 'Sally and I are just going to see if Paul is OK'.
Keep it light and visits short and above all in the open, not in secret.

I hope your OH is able to support you as you come to terms with your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I am afraid to say you are walking a very dangerous path.

It is not unheard of people close to a person who passes away bonding over the loss

Assuming this is the first time your husband shows jealousy

1. You have to hide your actions from your husband - that's a betrayal to him
When he discovers it, he will be understandably mad
2. It is not your job to support her widower or "turn your back on him", as you put it
3. You need to deal with your grief first before you can help anybody else.
4. It is his job to deal with his grief and find his new normal

I would honestly take a step back and concentrate in yourself and your marriage (assuming it was a good one before her death)

Your comment about being soulmates is an little bit alarming and I wonder of previous background

That's a good point Luckygirl. If the OP needs to tell her H every time she goes somewhere without him then perhaps this isn't just about this particular situation.

I am not suggesting she should lie - but do not see any reason to announce to him where you are going - unless he requires this then I think you have another problem here.

Good post Doodledog.

The OP needn't go in secret, but neither does she need her husband's permission to do what she wants to do.

The chance that an affair could develop when your friend was alive was roughly equivalent to the chance of it happening now. Couples have to trust one another to resist any temptations, if they are there - and there is no reason why they should be. People can have friends without fancying them, for heaven's sake.

I would probably say 'I'm popping over to see if John is ok. Do you want to come along? No? Ok, see you later', and be done with it, but I know it's easy for us to sit here and give advice. We aren't dealing with your husband and you are. Unfortunately the reality is that either you do as he says and stop going (in which case you can resign yourself to a lifetime of doing as you're told) or just get on with it and keep him in the loop without giving in to his demands.

I was in your position.
My friend who died had been declining for several years and her husband and I became quite friendly, so it was natural I should want to help him when he was lonely.
However, he became so dependant on me I came to the conclusion he was never going to pick himself up and get on with the rest of his life.
Just how much help are you giving? Are you sure you're helping him and not encouraging him to become reliant on you? Its so lovely to be needed.
How often do you see him - once a week, twice, every day?
It might be a good idea to gradually curtail your visits and put your husbands and your own mind at ease too.
Tough love but he must learn to get by without you eventually.
In the end, my dead friend met a new lady and married her after a 6 month courtship.
I was gobsmacked! Served me right.

Oh what a terrible dilemma to be in ?. I feel for you, I really do. But I can see where your DH is coming from. He obviously loves you and is scared that your shared grief with your friend’s husband could develop into something. And to be fair to him, it does happen - especially if you have a husband giving you a hard time when you’re just trying to be supportive to your late friend’s husband.

However, by going to see him secretly so as to avoid potential upset to your DH, you are only going to add fuel to the fire in your DH’s eyes as he will more than likely find out.

Can you not involve your DH too? Perhaps invite him along? That’s what I would do in your situation. That way he will see for himself that your relationship is purely on a friendship basis out of concern and he himself may be able to be a male support to your late friends’ husband.

Sorry for the loss of your friend. It’s so awful when that happens x

Sorry about your friend. Does your husband know your friend's husband? Could he perhaps go with you (then he'll see that nothing is going on)? Certainly don't go in secret, that will further arouse your husband's suspicion. Your friend has been gone roughly a year - is her husband trying to help himself by joining clubs, getting hobbies, etc?