Husband jealous burst a balloon of help and care

vegansrock

It seems that you are channeling your grief for your friend into wanting to show care for her partner, You’ve admitted this isn’t essential for his wellbeing - so maybe you see it as essential for you? That’s one issue which maybe you could explore through talking therapy or bereavement counselling. Your DH’s reaction to your texting or visiting this man is a separate issue which you need to discuss together, maybe again with a neutral counsellor to avoid recriminations/ arguments. Apologies if you think this is OTT , but this would be one way of resolving the issue without escalating it into a real problem.

No i don't think its OTT, if anything i think its helpful and far from OTT and I thank you for it.

It seems that you are channeling your grief for your friend into wanting to show care for her partner, You’ve admitted this isn’t essential for his wellbeing - so maybe you see it as essential for you? That’s one issue which maybe you could explore through talking therapy or bereavement counselling. Your DH’s reaction to your texting or visiting this man is a separate issue which you need to discuss together, maybe again with a neutral counsellor to avoid recriminations/ arguments. Apologies if you think this is OTT , but this would be one way of resolving the issue without escalating it into a real problem.

Callistemon21

It's ridiculous, I still sometimes have a little weep all these years later.

Not ridiculous in the slightest Callistemon

Nice to see you back after a busy day Serendipity
Glad that you are okay

No problem Serendipity, I hope you find a way forward.

Chewbacca

You've received a very mixed bag of advice so far Serendipity but at least you know that your husband isn't ill, anxious, depressed, hormonal or nutrient deficient, which is a start in trying to get to the bottom of his problem. Personally, I'd try one more time to have a calm and sensible conversation with him, let him air his concerns, address those as much as you can and reassure him that he has nothing to worry about, especially if you go to see your bereaved friend with another friend. If he's still suspicious that "an affair could develop", I'd be asking myself who he's judging you against and whether I'd want to be in a controlled and manipulated relationship.

Thank you, VERY wise words for which I appreciate.

Yes, a mix reaction which is absolutely fine, I have read each 1 and given it much thought and seen things from a different view.

1 thing I can absolutely shout from the rooftops ( not literally) is that alllllll this is CERTAINLY not worth upsetting my marriage for, no way.

I will think things through and fathom out a solution.

In a way, I kind of feel that I am letting my friend down because she was SOOOOO GIVING and such a life force of love that I just know 100% that if it were the other way round, then she would do precisely the same as I am doing, its all under the title of care.

Thank you.

You've received a very mixed bag of advice so far Serendipity but at least you know that your husband isn't ill, anxious, depressed, hormonal or nutrient deficient, which is a start in trying to get to the bottom of his problem. Personally, I'd try one more time to have a calm and sensible conversation with him, let him air his concerns, address those as much as you can and reassure him that he has nothing to worry about, especially if you go to see your bereaved friend with another friend. If he's still suspicious that "an affair could develop", I'd be asking myself who he's judging you against and whether I'd want to be in a controlled and manipulated relationship.

welbeck

OP have you considered that you may be afflicted by a saviour/rescuer complex.
the extreme reaction to your husband, shouting etc, sounds as if you are very/over invested in seeing yourself as essential to this man's emotional well-being.
does he in fact really need this from you.
or do you need to see yourself in this role.

Good gracious me, no extreme reaction whatsoever, the way I have explained the situation in written form cant express inner feelings, sorry.

I seem to have cone across as a raving banshee. I only raised my voice when the conversation was heading in the wrong direction and totally exaggerated and concocted ( in DH mind)

At the end of the day, a simple message now and again consisting of the question how are you? I think is totally innocent and places in a box labelled care, after all, he has lost the love of his life, she was a life force of utter love, care,happiness and joy, how could 1 human being turn their backs on another human being when they have lost so much ?

I am not there to prop him up nor making it my goal to get his life back on some sort of track, that is certainly not my job, that I know.

Sorry not been on GN till now, had a full on day, phewwwwww....

It's ridiculous, I still sometimes have a little weep all these years later.

Callistemon21

Hormonal changes
Hormonal imbalances
Undiagnosed illness
Depression
Anxiety
Nutrient deficiencies

Whose?
Do you mean Serendipity's, her DH's or the widower's?
I don't understand what all those things might have to do with the problem.
This would seem to be over complicating the issue.

Two people have lost someone they loved dearly, one of them has the ability to help the other through the despair and loneliness. In doing so she can come to terms with her loss too.
The husband of that person has his nose pushed out of joint, feels left out.
That can be put right if he agreed to be more understanding and perhaps made some social contact with the grieving man.

I made suggestions earlier because I can relate absolutely to the problem although in our case my DH was not jealous and was welcoming to the bereaved widower.

Precisely....
Sorry not been on GN today, been busy with goodness knows what.....

Yes , it alllll boils down to the word help.

FannyCornforth

Serendipity (OP) hasn’t been on here for a couple of days.
I know that it’s basically a free for all if it’s posted on here, but I do hope that Serendipity is okay.
The death of her friend has clearly been a great loss.

I hope so too.

I can empathise with her.

I'll do all that's reasonably possible to engender compromise and trust in any relationship but I'm not taking responsibility for someone else's lack of confidence in either me or themselves. That's for them to work on.

Indeed it is but it may be that the husband has seen something in his wife's behaviour which has unsettled him more than it normally would. As the OP hasn't said he is normally a jealous person, this seems to be a one off. Trust is a wonderful thing in a relationship but if you saw something which gave you pause (and this has been going on for a year) you'd be daft not to try to head problems off at the pass if you could.

Serendipity (OP) hasn’t been on here for a couple of days.
I know that it’s basically a free for all if it’s posted on here, but I do hope that Serendipity is okay.
The death of her friend has clearly been a great loss.

OP have you considered that you may be afflicted by a saviour/rescuer complex.
the extreme reaction to your husband, shouting etc, sounds as if you are very/over invested in seeing yourself as essential to this man's emotional well-being.
does he in fact really need this from you.
or do you need to see yourself in this role.

Hormonal changes
Hormonal imbalances
Undiagnosed illness
Depression
Anxiety
Nutrient deficiencies

Whose?
Do you mean Serendipity's, her DH's or the widower's?
I don't understand what all those things might have to do with the problem.
This would seem to be over complicating the issue.

Two people have lost someone they loved dearly, one of them has the ability to help the other through the despair and loneliness. In doing so she can come to terms with her loss too.
The husband of that person has his nose pushed out of joint, feels left out.
That can be put right if he agreed to be more understanding and perhaps made some social contact with the grieving man.

I made suggestions earlier because I can relate absolutely to the problem although in our case my DH was not jealous and was welcoming to the bereaved widower.

You both seem more interested in hearing yourself speak and your own interpretation

What an odd thing to say! We're no more interested than you or anyone else who's offered their opinions on this and so the same thing could be said to you about your own interpretation. Yours is no more right/wrong or valuable than any one else's.

Sorry, meant to add Galaxy!

You're welcome!

You both seem more interested in hearing yourself speak and your own interpretation lf what is being said rather than actually listening to a different point of view so I will leave it there

Thanks what a lovely thing to say

So many people have forgotten how to have real empathy and understanding fir each other as long as their own needs are met.

Like dictating who a partner can /cannot be friends with because they can't get a handle on their own jealousies and inadequacies? Goes both ways.

Do you genuinely see it like that galaxy making others responsible for your feelings?

I see it more like, your problem is our problem, let's work through this together.

There is a famous saying, where arguments can be avoided by changing your outlook. It gies something like:

"It should not be the two of you versus each other, it should be the two of you versus the problem".

Especially when you think of all the physical issues that can arise that cause a problem where there wouldn't be one like:

Hormonal changes
Hormonal imbalances
Undiagnosed illness
Depression
Anxiety
Nutrient deficiencies

I'm sure there are more..

I'm trying to be fair to OP and her husband and help her relate to him to resolve this.

I'd probably give vastly different advice to him

Yet it would still centre around listening to the other person... because this relationship matters and I wouldn't want to risk helping its destruction

So many people have forgotten how to have real empathy and understanding fir each other as long as their own needs are met

putting our relationship before a friendship.

A loving, emotionally mature, and supportive partner wouldn't ask you to make the choice.

Ditto Galaxy; I'll do all that's reasonably possible to engender compromise and trust in any relationship but I'm not taking responsibility for someone else's lack of confidence in either me or themselves. That's for them to work on.

Sorry VS I could never be in a relationship like that. Under no circumstances would I want dh to take responsibility for my feelings in that way. I quite like him

Its easy for people to say "I cant relate to his feelings so he must be wrong"

But that doesn't stop him feeling them.

Messages being written places that he can or cant see, the thought that it might be easier to keep contact a secret rather than actually deal with the issue... these aren't good plans.

Simply asking husband what he needs to feel secure and doing that is what will fix this. Making an effort to include him in the friendship even if he doesn't feel comfortable with that now due to his own feelings. Being open and honest about all communication and never looking like anything is hidden or secret will help.

Amd if it comes down to it, because that has been roo little too late, putting our relationship before a friendship.

We can all very easily say that the way someone else feels is their problem but when we are in a relationship or friendship with someone, and we were experiencing feelings we didn't know the origin of or were struggling to deal with... wouldn't we want the same back from the other person?