Being British and non confrontational

BlueBelle

I can’t read this shorthand CF Cystic Fibrosis
NDN no disrespect to nuns
SCBA (sorry can’t be arsed) prefer to read it in English doesn’t take any longer to write

I agree Bluebell. Takes ages trying to work out all these abbreviations..... Puts you off reading these posts. Just write the words!!

It was not just me who was pizzed off with her. The LL felt she had driven the previous tenants away with her constant whingeing and complaining. Eventually LL blocked her number.

Again if you read my posting a little more carefully you will notice that I had already offered NDN the ability to access my property so long as she cleared it with me beforehand. That was very reasonable of me. It was she who began the mud slinging by saying I was only a tenant. I had only ever lived in flats until that time where we were all tenants. So it had never occured to me that someone would look down on me because I was a tenant. When you begin an argument with me you get a backlash in kind.

Remember the old saying:-

"People who live in glass houses should not throw stones."

When my children were toddlers we lived close to the dead end of a close of terraced houses. One family who, I suppose people would describe as rough, they kept a fast food van on their very short drive, had a tribe of secondary aged sones who regularly played football at the end of the close, running all over peoples front gardens, and in my case, damaging some rosebushes I had planted. They got regular flak from others in the close and I was none too pleased about it either.

One day I went out, not to complain but to ask them, when the ball landed in my pocket handkerchief front garden, whether they would just come and pick it up and not kick it through the roses. They were cheeky to me, so I said if they were so difficult, I would speak to their parents. They thought this was a joke and 'dared' me to. So I walked up to their front door and rang the bell, when the father came to the door I said I wanted to talk to him about the football and all the children piled in expecting me to be bawled out.

Instead I sat down and told them I could understand their problem with so many children in the house and a tiny back garden, and no nearby park, so the boys had only the close to kick a football around. I then said, my problem was not to stop them playing football, but just to ask that if the ball landed in my front garden they should lift it off the grass and not kick it until it was back on the road, but also to try not to get it on my garden.

They were so gobsmacked, that I was so nice to them and my request was so reasonable, they agreed and the boys heard their father agree and we parted on the best of terms. And after that the boys did stop kicking the ball off (and frequently onto) my grass and I remained on the best of terms with the family.

Many nasty obstreperous people are like that because people treat them badly. Be nice to them and it is surprising how accommodating they will be, simply because , for once, instead of shouting at them, someone has been nice.

Later I learned what a nosy cow she is
I came right back with "Well your only an immigrant and if your going to live in aother persons country it would be a good idea to look up the law on trespass. Is that how you behave in your country
Wow wow wow you sound a real gem to have next door
I ll be completely confrontational now and say I don’t like what I m hearing one bit, you sound a neighbour I would never want to live near
How’s that then ?

when i was only a tenant somewhere and parked my car, a woman rushed out of a house and told/asked me to park farther down the road as she had visitors coming.
this was quite a wide spacious back street, not lacking on road parking space.
i was in a hurry and felt annoyed, why couldn't her visitors park farther down. she was not impolite but a bit pushy, really a cheeky plucker.
i didn;t want to move, but reckoned i would be in a worse position if she came out at night and slashed my tyres.
so i moved. it irked me and still does.

My visitor had parked in "her" spot because the other spaces in the street were taken up. This is no concern of the LL.

But what were you doing that made her want/need to snitch? How nice a neighbour are you?

Try reading my posting again a little more carefully!

I had already stated that I would not refuse them permission to access the property providing they cleared it with me first.

"I dont need your permission your only a tenant"

Does not invite a polite response.

The previous tenants had been a young family and she had bullied them to the extent that they left at the end of their lease. Constantly complaining about things like children playing in the garden, mowing the lawn, and so on.

People like that deserve to have someone confront them and put them in their place.

Biglouis Your situation could have been just as easily sorted, going to see the neighbour being polite to her but making it very clear that no one should come into your garden with out your consent. Well done and you could have made her into a nice and cooperative neighbour who didn't snitch.

I came right back with "Well your only an immigrant and if your going to live in aother persons country

?

Goodness, I am glad I don't live next door to you BigLouis. Especially as I am an 'immigrant'.

I am not confrontational, and sometimes get taken aback when people are. An example;

Chatting to a woman at a bowls match in the blazing sun, both very hot. I said 'oh, I would prefer to be in the shade with a nice cool gin and tonic' her reply 'Never touch the stuff, have never drunk alcohol, can't see the attraction'. Not in a nice way either. As there was no possibility at all of us going off to do what I had jokingly suggested, why did she feel she had to be so aggressive about it? When somebody says that they fancy a cup of tea and a bacon roll, I don't give them chapter and verse about why, to me, as a vegetarian, that would be a nightmare.

Just musing really, on why people have to be so dismissive of what was just, after all, a conversational comment.

I dont go out looking for a fight but when someone behaves towards me with lack of respect I do tend to go full nuclear.

20 years ago I moved into this area and one day found workmen in my garden despite locked gates. They had to climb over the fence to get in! When I challenged them they told me "Oh the neighbour said it was ok". So I immediately went next door to ask why the neighbour (for those of you who do not comprehend what an NDN is) to ask why they had not first sought my permission.

NDN (caught somewhat on one foot) tells me she did not realise anyone had moved in. Yeah right! 6 burly men carrying furniture in and it took all weekend. It was only later I learned what a nosy cow she was.

She claimed that her gutter neede clearing and the gap between the houses was too narrow to safely place the ladder on her side of the fence. I told her that in the future if she needed access I would not unreasonably refuse permission for her work people but that she MUST clear it with me first.

NDN replies "I dont need your permission. Your only a tenant." And that was the beginning of the hatred between us. I came right back with "Well your only an immigrant and if your going to live in aother persons country it would be a good idea to look up the law on trespass. Is that how you behave in your country?"

She was one of those people who thought the solution would be to snitch to the LL (landlord) if I did anything she didnt like. However the LL knew which side her bread was buttered. After all I was paying her mortgage and the NDN was offering her nothing. When the NDN rang her to whinge that my visitors had parked in "her" spot she replied "This is nothing to do with me. I dont like tittle tattles" and hung up.

My revenge came a few years later when the LL was looking for a quick sale so she could emigrate and I bought the house from her. Of course there was no for sale sign so my nosy NDN knew nothing about the deal. One day she asked if I had contact details for LL and I told her "no because she has gone abroad to live." "Well who is managing the house now?" "I am. You see I bought it from G two years ago. So now you have no one to snitch to!"

Fleurpepper

Harmonypuss- surely ambulances have precedence over blue-badge holders, if attending to an emergency!

That's what I thought too. Maybe it was tongue in cheek ( try to be charitable)

My daughter once hid behind a rack of clothes when I was giving an M & S worker the benefit of my opinion.

Going out all guns blazing rarely achieves the desired outcome (ie. if parked across a drive you want the car to move, but if you shout at the driver as an opening gambit, they are more likely to dig their heels in and stay even longer. just to spite you).
A few day after my brother committed suicide, my stepmother had to do a bit of shopping and inadvertently parked slightly over the line in the car park. As soon as she opened the door a hefty man leapt out of his car and started tearing her off a strip for it. You can imagine what that did to her in her state of mind. Had the man just pointed out that she had parked awkwardly, I am sure she would have apologised profusely and moved.
You never know why someone puts themselves into a situation that might be annoying to others ... unless you ask!

My remark previously about passive aggression was in jest MOnica. I completely agree about calm assertiveness. I think some have the wrong idea about assertiveness, which doesn’t involve a contest with the aim of getting the better of the other person.

I agree MOnica. On the other forums I go to where many people are extremely sweary I do that a lot.

I try to avoid confrontation because I am very quick to anger. Then, when I've had my outburst, I fret about it for days afterwards. It's just not worth it.

Passive aggression is not the alternative to loud confrontational. Assertive calmness is the way forward. Putting your point clearly and determinedly, but always being in control of the situation because you do not lose your temper.

Harmonypuss- surely ambulances have precedence over blue-badge holders, if attending to an emergency!

I am not sure which is worse- passive aggressive or loudly confrontational. At least the loudies are straightforwardly nasty. There's the odd one on here who is extremely and ridiculously confrontational but I always picture them ( he or she) with a large bottle of booze next to them getting sozzled. It helps me not dislike them.

I am disappointed that the OP, a regular poster on GN, has not come back on this thread to defend her views, or possible expand on them.

I kow most posters have disagreed wth her, but as she says: What is it about British people that they are so afraid to stand their ground?

I really don't really think I belong in one particular camp,
I am a bit of a people pleaser and I get on pretty well with my neighbours but if someone or something upsets or annoys me, I'm the first to pipe up and say something.
Sometimes I'll take the softly softly approach, especially if it's something minor like hearing the neighbours arguing, I'll speak to one of them and say "did I hear you two shouting earlier?" which usually gets me an apology for them being too loud.
But if it's something more serious, I'm quite adept at opening my mouth and giving someone a bol***king.
A few months ago, I returned home from visiting a friend to find an ambulance parked in my disabled parking space. I sat alongside it for a couple of minutes until I saw one of the paramedics in the street. I blasted my horn and beckoned him over. When he got to my car and asked what the problem was, I waved my blue badge at him and asked where he expected me to park whilst his vehicle was blocking my parking space (I'd had that space marked up on the road outside my house for me to use, I know other blue badge holders can use it when my car's not there but ambulances don't have blue badges).
I pointed out that the nearest spot to park was about 75m away, which was too far for me to be able to walk, besides, I was desperate for the loo, so I told the paramedic he had to move the ambulance down the road so that I could park in my spot and actually make it to the loo (with dry underwear). He moaned about it for a minute but then realised he was beaten and moved the ambulance down the road.
I'll tell waiting staff if there's something wrong with a meal or the postman not to walk across the gardens between my and my neighbours' houses.
If one of my sons happens to be with me and something needs to be highlighted to a member of staff in a shop/pub/restaurant etc, as soon as I find someone to speak to about it, my son will take a few steps backwards to distance himself slightly because he's definitely not inherited my ability to speak out.
I don't go around with the intention of picking a fight but I've been walked all over for a big chunk of my life and I've now learnt that if I don't stand up for myself, no-one else is going to do it for me.

Aveline

CF?

I've found that on the occasions when I have been brave enough to stand my ground and or say something in a situation, the other party has in all cases been one of those loud mouthy aggressive types that doesn't like the word No and uses their loud aggressiveness to beat others down.. that is a situation that makes me for one really uncomfortable so I tend to prefer the easier and safer option of staying quiet and gritting teeth

BlueBelle

I can’t read this shorthand CF Cystic Fibrosis
NDN no disrespect to nuns
SCBA (sorry can’t be arsed) prefer to read it in English doesn’t take any longer to write

Yes , I gave up. Just write the words