feeling Alone - don't comment if you feel I'm needy!

polnan

Thanks for that lefthanded. I have been feeling very tired lately, and went to docs.. Yes! I got a face to face appt!!!!actually got through the receptionist, we have to convince the receptionist that we are worthy of an appt! so.. she did a blood test, then doc, well she authorised one,, and no one came back to me, so I was told that would mean o..k. but then, I wonder what exactly I was tested on,, Iron? Vit B is also another one, so I will try and get another doc appt, cos still very tired, lost 1/2 stone in weight also,, without dieting.. and I was wondering thyroid...

so thanks lefthanded

I fume at the 'no news is good news' habit with tests nowadays!!!! And what happens if the test is lost or misplaced or not looked at in error-and it's not 'ok' ?? What then? It does happen, they're quick to write a shot across the bows when you miss an appointment! Why not send a text/note to give the precious "all clear" eh?!

I know what you mean. Although it's also a thing feeling lonely despite having access to friends,/people in general.i think it's a state of mind as much as a physical reality. I'm not sure it's same as feeling "alone" though? Interesting to see what others' experiences translate as?

Being old, housebound, disabled Sunday is just another day for me. Only know what day it is by the different TV. Radio programs. Too much sport!
When my husband was alive he used to spend the day playing golf and watching sport on TV so I used to make it my “beauty” day cutting and washing hair, having a facial, long bath etc whilst listening to the radio. Archers, Desert Island Discs, Just a Minute etc.

I liked the covid lockdown as it gave me a good excuse to stay at home and read or watch TV or tidy a cupboard.

Loneliness strikes all ages and often young people can feel very isolated. I was distressingly lonely when I went to be a student in London. My parents had recently divorced and I had no support structure. I struggled to make friends and I was in a sea of people every day with no real feeling of connection!

Not sure if this makes sense, I have a few friends and a husband, sons. I still feel lonely due to not being able to talk about my illness, mostly people diss me , she looks fine. I try not to say too much to my husband because I don’t want to worry him. Friends are older than me and don’t understand. Support group leader wasn’t understanding and rude so don’t bother with that either. Finding a shoulder to cry on in my case isn’t easy, so I keep it to myself

polnan everything you say resonates with me, and I agree the covid lockdowns changed me. I will never be the person I was pre-covid and I feel in a way that I had a huge chunk of what remains to me of a healthy active life taken from me.
Someone else also pointed out the difference between loneliness and aloneness, but both can be debilitating and distressing. I think you can teach yourself to accept and even enjoy aloneness, but loneliness is such a feeling of lack of human contact that can be overwhelming. I don't think there's any one way to cope with it - you just have to find what suits you. Some will just 'sit with it' til it passes (and it always does!) and others will take themselves for a walk, attack a pile of ironing or clear out a cupboard - in other words lose themselves in activity. It's good to talk about it on a thread like this though - it makes us all feel less alone!

After my divorce I felt that everyone had someone to share the w/e but I was and still am happy in my own company. It’s not weak to feel alone and lonely, but probably it is something that we have to solve for ourselves

Getting absorbed in a good book helps me on Sunday or any other day. I read with a Kindle and keep a good supply (library loans) in queue.

Whitenancy you have the right idea, the need for a little treat or me time works wonders.It is easy to feel alone, even when in a couple, due to ill health or poor mental health of a loved partner.
I have many bereaved friends, who so miss another friendly voice in the house, somebody to enjoy a meal or tv with them, even though they have good social lives.

I'm divorced and spend a lot of time on my own, there's only myself and my sister left out of our family. I have friends, but since their husbands retired they spend more time with them now, I get out to an odd lunch or a show with them.
The thing that gets me out and about is my rescue dog. I've met so many other dog walkers where I go in the mornings and we end up walking along together having a good chat. We sometimes stop at the coffee hut and it puts the morning in nicely.
A dog can be great company, they get you out meeting others so you just aren't sitting at home by yourself.

I read novels and watch TV especially dramas and that takes my mind off my own worries.

Yes I agree feeling alone or lonely can depend on where you are and who you are with if anyone. I am a widow living alone, and moved in covid times so it has been very difficult When I feel depressed I am just unable to try and get out etc. However my couple of things that I offer is firstly I love a lot of radio, in particular listen to Desert Island Discs and Private Passions and gardeners question time , all on sunday. So I change how I use sunday, after years of family meals and times together. I turn sunday into a weekday, by which I mean that I often save ironing and paperwork needing to be sorted. Sometimes tidying cupboards. Jobs that need doing but are not a particular pleasure. So I am quite content to do these jobs whilst listening to the radio. The jobs seem to get done quicker and I enjoy my programmes. Then I choose a day in the week to be my day to go out or do something, and at this time of year I try to get out whenever we have a lovely sunny day like today. The one good thing being on your own is that no one else will see if like today, i had my shower , dressed and went out leaving pots unwashed , bed not made and bathroom not sorted. Loved scrunching in the leaves, seeing the trees colour , having a breath of fresh air and drove a little way out into the countryside and enjoyed just sitting in the car looking round, reading the paper and drinking my coffee in lovely peaceful surroundings. Of course I have come back to the mess, but dont care, made the most of the good weather and now it is dark and chilly and they promise wind and rain tomorrow More than that , if I am having a bad day I can look back at todays little excursion and it will cheer me . Another thing I have done in the past is two or three of us on our own used to go to each others house and take turns in providing the lunch. Cooking for three seems worth while,,you might do a little roast, your guests are usually very appreciative, and you have some cold meat for the next day. We made a pact that we would not try and outdo each other in the food, just whatever we were happy making. If there are 3 of you , you cook once and are a guest twice. Worked well for us! Wish you all well in the future, I find these dark nights make things worse so getting out in the daylight is worthwhile and I am pleased to have found this group Oh and nearly forgot! DONT watch or listen to the news more than once a day. It is all so depressing anyway and if you are having a bad day constant reminders of the shambles only makes you more depressed or very angry!! Hooray for Gransnet where we can let of steam , get good ideas and keep in touch.

Everyone feels lonely at times, and there can be many reasons for doing so.

I wonder if human beings were really intended to live alone?

If you look at the way people have lived down through the ages, it is a very new development that basically only applies in the Western world to see adult men and women living in flats or houses on their own.

In nearly all civilisations whether you can or do marry or not, you shared accomodation with others - both adults and children. Usually they were your close relations, but they could, as in the case of nuns, monks, priests, soldiers etc. be unrelated adults whom you lived with, in the sense of dwelling under the same roof and eating together.

I do realise that even in these contexts you can feel lonely - the loneliest I have ever felt was lying awake in my half of our double bed wondering, "Where do we go from here?" after a nasty disagreement with my husband.

I spent practically thirty years of my adult life living alone. Not through an informed or desired wish on my part, but because I had not found anyone who wanted to marry me and whom I wanted to marry.

A lot of people are in the same boat today, and naturally those who live alone cannot entirely avoid feeling loney.

But then, nor can those who live with a spouse or partner, at least at times.

Perhaps we need to admit that loneliness is a facet of modern
life and in my opinion we do need to stop trotting out platitutes about taking up voluntary work, joining a club, getting a dog and all the other well-meaning things we tell ourselves and others to do if they are feeling lonely.

I wish I had the solution, but of course I don't.

I don't think there is one solution, but there may be many.

Could we revive the art of conversation at bus stops and in trains? It used to be considered good manners to make small talk in these situations. Today people look at you as if they suspect you are a con-artist or worse if you make a harmless remark such as "Lovely weather today, isn't it?" or "Hope you are not in such a rush as I am - the beastly bus is late again."

Not a cure for loneliness, admittedly, but at least a cure for the all too often heard literal statement "I haven't spoken to a soul since last Thursday."

I’m ok on my own. I find it’s much harder living with someone you don’t have a good relationship with.

Feeling lonely from time to time seems to be part of the human condition, so when I feel that way, I try to accept it and remind myself that, like everything, it won't last.
For me, feeling lonely is the same as feeling alone and I find it's usually triggered by not having the right kind of connection with other people. I always feel so much better when I "find my place" somewhere and when there are people in my life I can just get along with naturally, if that makes sense.
As I've mentioned, I think self-care and kindness from people around you are important. I hope you're starting to feel less alone, Bea.

Kittylester, you are absolutely right to say that we are all entitled to share our opinions, and that includes Bea65.

We moved to this house on account of my husband's dementia and poor health generally, and we wanted to be nearer our son. However I have been unable to make friends or join things on account of caring and covid. There is little conversation with a dementia sufferer, and I always feel alone.

I think we have to find ways to bring pleasure into our lives somehow to make every day special, not just Sundays, and work in little treats to combat how alone we feel. It can be difficult when on a low income, though. It's ok to feel down, but trying to be philosophical and trying to give oneself treats/trying to go for walks, etc. can make things more reasonable. I feel there's no real answer to aloneness, just find a workable way of living.

I read a lot, which takes me out of my situation for a while, and I sometimes think that if I were living alone, I might even advertise for someone in a similar situation, and perhaps we could take turns in cooking Sunday lunch for each other.

Bea65 I really do hope some of the comments on here have helped. I like M0nica’s suggestion of making Sunday (or any other day that makes you feel particularly alone) special. Nice food, a bottle of wine, chocolate, whatever.
I am happily married so I don’t know how I’ll feel if/when the time comes. What I don’t like DH doing now is (us usually on holiday) constantly looking back. I try to live in the moment (mindfulness is nothing new!). I have lost two family members this year, within three months of each other, so I’m really trying to make the most of “the alternative”!
I really, really hope you feel a bit better for having posted on here.

Sunday is my favorite day of the week!

I can remember when there were no shops or entertainments open on that day. People went to church, went for a walk, or visited family/had family visit them. Even now the religious element has long gone I think of sunday as day I dont want to be disturbed. If I order an Amazon item and it comes on a sunday I deeply resent it and usually just enter an instruction to "leave by kitchen door" to I dont have to watch out for the courier. Mostly I dont even talk on the phone. I love my quiet sundays.

I think there is a difference between feeling alone and feeling lonely. You can feel alone in a crowd of people even if you know them. I am volunteering at a vaccination centre at the moment...doing once a week. Good chatting to all the people in the queue. It helps me to feel useful.

Bea65 I understand how you feel and being ‘needy’ is not wrong - there are times when we all need others. When I have felt lonely, I’ve found that being kind to myself is the best approach. Do something you enjoy or do nothing at all - whatever makes you feel like you’ve treated yourself (doesn’t have to be a physical’ treat but, personally, I do find chocolate helps). Care for yourself; show yourself love and kindness - you deserve it.

Feeling alone is different from loneliness. Feeling alone for many can be blissful when needing downtime. To me loneliness is akin to a deep sadness may be even grief at being excluded or not included, being outside the group shared experience. Or even believing everyone else is feeling included when the truth is they are faking it. A bit of self analysis could bring some understanding.

“I really feel lonely right now because I need…”

Creating busyness helps many people cope with their very real loneliness, but it’s still there. Perhaps these are, in fact the loneliest of people?

We’re naturally social animals and for any pack or herd animal being excluded from the group can be devastating. Human females can be among the worst offenders at ostracising another, we see this every day in reports of bullying on social media, but it’s been going on forever.

On a cheerier note Mick Lynch was brilliant at the select committee meeting, there’s a man who knows what he’s talking about and knows how to put it into real sentences (catch up on Youtube).

How lovely

I know that people felt alone, or lonely before covid. My clients would often try to keep me with them as long as possible, to chat. Unfortunately with several calls planned, it isn't always possible.
During and since Covid, loneliness was brought to the public's attention more and the befriending services were used much more. My colleagues and I give out details, if wanted of Age uk, befriending services and any other useful organisations. One idea, is for you to be the befriender.
www.royalvoluntaryservice.org.uk/
www.ageuk.org.uk/
Its a good way of feeling that your still valuable and useful in the world.