Mothers at home matter

Glorianny
How sad is that

I was born in 1945 and because my mother was ill I went to a day nursery just before my third birthday. It was free and my dad took me on his way to work and picked me up on his way home. There was more nursery provision at the end of WW2 than at any time since. Funny how the government could find the money when they wanted women to work.

Blondiescot

I was born in '63 and although my mother was a stay-at-home mum, I did go to a 'kindergarten' just down the road from our house, because she felt it would be good for me to mix with other children, especially as I was an only child.

I was born in 1943.

It may be well noted we are all of different generations.

I was born in '63 and although my mother was a stay-at-home mum, I did go to a 'kindergarten' just down the road from our house, because she felt it would be good for me to mix with other children, especially as I was an only child.

Galaxy

The national child minding association I think it was called at the time was established in 1977 so I am guessing childminding as a thing was going a good few years before that.

It was - childminders were registered with the local authorities before that. Hundreds of thousands more were childminders without being registered too of course, so they were also working mothers.

Grandma70s

If you think staying at home is “tedious and fries the brain”, you are clearly not suited to doing it. I found it extremely interesting and stimulating. ( I have two degrees, by the way.)

I had some money of my own from when I did earn. We shared what we had - nothing demeaning about it.

I hold my hands up here and admit that I was not suited to it. I certainly don't look down at anyone who chooses to stay at home and look after children - in fact, I take my hat off to them because it's a bloody hard job! I'm not a patient person when it comes to children. I'm not the kind to coo over babies or dote on small children, it's just not in my nature. My children were happier and better off with a mum who worked.

If you think staying at home is “tedious and fries the brain”, you are clearly not suited to doing it. I found it extremely interesting and stimulating. ( I have two degrees, by the way.)

I had some money of my own from when I did earn. We shared what we had - nothing demeaning about it.

The national child minding association I think it was called at the time was established in 1977 so I am guessing childminding as a thing was going a good few years before that.

Mollygo

My Nan looked after us so my Mum could work. Was there child care in the sixties apart from family?

I don't remember childminding being available in the sixties, but I don't live quite near a metro area either.

As for working off hours to OH - precisely what he did, ate a sandwich, went straight away to a small second job whilst I did meals, baths, bedtime.

Weekends he built his business, on our property, and I cared for home, garden/property, and our children.

All this makes sense to me. However - no sense for many others.

Esspee

I was a full time mum because I didn’t bring children into the world to farm them out to others to mould their personalities.

Had it been a financial imperative that I worked I would not have had children.

What a pompous response. Did you not have your own career ambitions or want to make your own money?

Staying at home with children is tedious and fries the brain. I loved my career & would have hated to rely on my DH for money-very demeaning.

My Nan looked after us so my Mum could work. Was there child care in the sixties apart from family?

Norah

Out of interest, I don't remember any suitable care for babies and small children - when we had our first two daughters. What did mums who wished to work do, in 1960s, for childminding?

Their mothers helped them
They used childminders, who were around in the 1960s
They worked hours which fitted in with their husband’s work, often in the evenings
Neighbours helped each other with childcare
Families with older children used them to look after the younger ones

Out of interest, I don't remember any suitable care for babies and small children - when we had our first two daughters. What did mums who wished to work do, in 1960s, for childminding?

Jackiest - I had seen some of the earlier posts mentioning fathers and I think there should be more discussion of choices for both parents. I remember a male colleague of mine saying he would loved to have been able to spend more time at home with his children. His wife didn't work, and didn't want to, so he felt a bit trapped, with no choice!

Nowadays at least there is some paternity leave and parental leave which can be taken by either parent. In Sweden, it is expected that after the mother has finished maternity leave, she will go back to work and the father will take some months off until the child goes to (heavily subsidised) daycare. However, because of the generous childcare and facilities for parents to take paid leave if children are sick, it expected that both parents will work, so children in Sweden can end up spending a lot of time being looked after by carers other than their parents.

Farmor15
A couple of us did mention this back near the beginning of these posts but the thread has drifted back to treating men and women in their stereotype roles.

A few people have mentioned that the discussion is mainly about whether mothers should have the choice to stay at home, and what about fathers? In my case, I was the only one with a job - my OH had some part-time work initially but that came to an end. He stayed at home to look after the children (we had 5 in the end) while I went to work. I would like to have had the choice, and so would OH, but one of us had to work and my job was fairly well paid.

It worked reasonably well for us - the children always had a parent at home when they were young and he did a lot of work at home - growing veg, house renovations - somehow he managed to get the baby to sleep a lot while I was at work! He did get back to work eventually when the children were older.

In our case, it wasn't a choice - just the way things worked out, but I think it actually suited me to work outside the home. I did have long holidays as my work was in further education so had plenty of time with my children too.

Yes, I am saddened to hear women being unpleasant to other women using inflammatory phrases such as " farmed out" or " sat on their bottoms all day". Good parenting comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes and every mother ( with a few exceptions) works hard to do the best for their child( ren). I worked part time and then full time, after my husband left a few months after my last child was born. It was a struggle, but we had to eat, and so I went to earn the money for that. Would being a sahm on benefits have been better for my children? I don't think so. My son and daughters have a good work ethic, which might be because of what they saw growing up. All of us have to manage the hand we are dealt, so let's show each other a little compassion.

Sadly, many of the young people I know have decided not 'to breed' as they feel the world ahead is just to uncertain.

Loving all of this!
Breeding indeed, that made me laugh because love my time as a mum as I do and desperately excited about becoming granny and as hands on as I will be allowed.
It’s a fact, we are all just breeding. The emotional input is different for all it seems. Some of us will give up our own lives and give it over to our children and others organise and arrange around for the set period they are ours. Then continue with their own lives again.

TerriBull I don't think there's any right or wrong choice in this matter. I wouldn't make a judgement on sahm as opposed to working mothers, horses for courses and all that.

I understand why some women want to stay at home with their children, I did for quite a while, my days were full I don't remember too much sitting around on my arse unless I was feeding the baby which could be a long protracted process, still not sure how one would juggle that with whatever the job entailed no matter how good a multi tasker.

So yes without that sort of employed help I imagine, as a mother of say four or more, the logistics of day to day life would be quite difficult to say the least.

Thank you for articulating what I was unable to explain.

It affected my pension too but so be it, it was my choice to be home while the children were young

What a long way we have come since my father and FIL told their wives that they couldn't have them working as it would look as if they couldn't keep them!
I stayed at home until the youngest went to school and then worked part time so I was there when school finished, consequently I have a very tiny pension. I did my best to make sure my DDs could keep themselves.
Everybody has to do what they feel is best or needed.

I don't think there's any right or wrong choice in this matter. I wouldn't make a judgement on sahm as opposed to working mothers, horses for courses and all that.

I remember being an adolescent at my convent school when it was made apparent by the teachers who were nuns, having a working mother was less than desirable and that was something they reiterated fairly often. My thoughts back then, not expressed obviously. "I have a working mother, she is a good person who is doing the best she can for her family, what would you know a) you've never been a mother, b) had to balance a household budget or c) been out in the cut thrust of working world" That kind of snap judgement stayed with me, either way I wouldn't want to make any sort of pronouncements on what women opt for as there are umpteen variables that come into play for the individual.

I had my first child at 32 and had worked for something in the region of fifteen years, at that time I very much wanted to be a sahm and I did so for probably nine or so years until my youngest went into reception, then I went part time, but working in my husband's business gave me wriggle room as to child hood sick days and school holidays when I could juggle a bit of work from home. In retrospect I was lucky, it wasn't financially imperative that I went back to work. Now, like my mother, for so many women it is, hence the rise of the after school care on school premises that was rater at the time when my children were in infants/junior. When I was a child, my mother went back when I was maybe top juniors it was normal to be a latch key kid then, now that's not really acceptable under say 13 or 14, so childcare has to be found, at enormous cost too.

I understand why some women want to stay at home with their children, I did for quite a while, my days were full I don't remember too much sitting around on my arse unless I was feeding the baby which could be a long protracted process, still not sure how one would juggle that with whatever the job entailed no matter how good a multi tasker. I also can't imagine working, having had say four or more children, or how that is achievable without a live in au pair/nanny, or nearby extended family who would be willing to step up. My son had one such friend, 4 children in the family mother had a very high powered job in the civil service, I never saw her down at the school gates, when my son got invited to a sleep over, invitation that needed to be verified, I rang the home to check to see if that was okay, I spoke to the live in nanny who told me"Mrs x oh she's not here much during the week" So yes without that sort of employed help I imagine, as a mother of say four or more, the logistics of day to day life would be quite difficult to say the least.

I can completely understand the desire of many women to want to return to work, especially if they have worked hard for a professional qualification., or if after a period of time they know that staying at home is driving them up the wall. On the other hand I have a friend who waited until 36 to have her one and only child and her partner expressly wished her to go back to work as soon as, they were financially secure enough for her not to have to. Ultimately it was one of the resentments that led to theit break up, she still laments to this day she had a brief 6 months with her child until he went into a nursery.

Every situation is different and I think we as women should not deride each other's choices. by either suggesting that sahm are lazy, vacuous dossers or that working women don't parent as well as those who stay at home with their children.

Well said, Glorianny!

I'm just thinking that if you are a working or sah mum, the very thought that you are "moulding" your child's personality is horrendous. My children have three entirely different personalities, so how could I have moulded them? You do your best to provide your children with the tools to live a happy life and endure through the bad times and one of the best ways of doing that is to make sure you are all happy and looked after. So sometimes work is best for mum and nursery for the child and sometimes they aren't. This isn't a one size fits all situation.
One of the things I notice isn't mentioned in the article is the fact that many of us used play groups from the time our child was 2 and a half, so children were in nursery settings even when mum was at home. Those have gone of course. They were great places, run by sahms providing low cost social experiences for huge numbers of children.