Elderly relatives who are lonely but are impossible

Narc, NPD, LC, pocket dialled - I need a glossary to read this thread! It’s in some language I don’t speak.

I phone my 85 year old aunt about four times a week.

My daughter's boyfriend advertised his new short play release on Fb. It's about a lonely person who sits in his armchair with the phone and phone book, phoning random numbers, just to talk to someone'.

My aunt commented on the Fb ad that she knew 'exactly' how 'Roy' felt as her phone never rang either. My daughter alerted me to it, and we both laughed, sadly, so attention seeking.

Thanks Quokka, you're right! Wow, Halfpint1, sorry to hear that but I suspect the same would have happened if I'd asked mine a few years ago.

I wish I didn't know what poison is dripped about me, but unfortunately one of the elderly relatives I mentioned "pocket dialled" me while talking to another relative about me, so that I know EXACTLY what she thinks of me. I really wish I hadn't always been so kind and accomodating!

We used to take dh’s old aunt out for lunch every 6 weeks or so (she lived a 2 hour drive away) but whatever she had, she’d invariably moan about the food - too hot, too cold, too tough, too sloppy, they don’t know how to make pastry any more - you name it.

In the end we stopped taking her anywhere, and I’d take something simple to cook at hers - which was always a rush, because she had to have her lunch at 12.30 sharp - I swear her mother must have told her that if you didn’t have absolutely regular meals, you’d sicken and die.

Added complication was that she wouldn’t eat anything tinned or frozen - it all had to be fresh, so more than once I decanted a tin or two of M&S mince into a Tupperware, added a few chopped fried mushrooms, and passed it off as my own. 😈
She never twigged.

Hithere

I agree its not an age issue - people who take take take from others can only take so much

I had a friend who didn't matter what you did with her, it was never enough
Putting boundaries needing space, as an introvert she knew I was, was met with tears and pressure to make that up for her the following weekend

Also, with my narc parents, if I spent 5 days with them, they wanted a full week, as I spent "no quality time with them at all anymore"
When it was a full week, they still complained it wasn't enough, asked for 10 days or 2 weeks
I tried again to go for 11 days and they wanted me to go 2 weeks twice or three times a year because you guessed it " 11 days was nothing to enjoy as a family"

Some people are not happy no matter what you do

Wow, so sorry about your narc parents Hithere ! I can identify with what you're saying as it doesn't make any difference what anyone does, it's never enough for my elderly relatives either.

It's not just the younger generation that these elderly people complain about. it's their parents too who they have nothing good to say about. They don't have a good word to say for anyone and I really don't want to become like that.

And they wonder why they are so lonely! Who can cope with the constant drip drip of poison?

As a child I've had to put up with every relative I've ever loved being verbally trashed by them. As an adult, ditto. I've never said anything, but my tolerance has worn thin as they condemn my kids as well, making it that they have nothing good to say about anyone of any of the past four generations!!!

I wonder if their friends and people who don't know them that well can be all sympathetic and say what awful relatives they have, or whether even they begin to wonder if anyone can have that many "awful" relatives!

Caleo

I'd certainly not like to be taken to a supermarket cafe when the younger relation gets taken to a posh restaurant. Circumstances alter cases.
No wonder old people stuck in their houses all day become insecure and even paranoid.
If providing frequent and unremitting verbal reassurance destroys your soul then you are too vulnerable.

It most certainly was not a supermarket restaurant, but I suspect the compainer may have complained less if it was?

I have not said anywhere that I am unable to provide verbal reassurance. I have said that I am tired of hearing constant complaints about people of my generation, probably because any verbal reassurance I do offer falls on deaf ears. You do seem to have taken my words personally, which is unfortunate seeing as we are strangers.

I agree its not an age issue - people who take take take from others can only take so much

I had a friend who didn't matter what you did with her, it was never enough
Putting boundaries needing space, as an introvert she knew I was, was met with tears and pressure to make that up for her the following weekend

Also, with my narc parents, if I spent 5 days with them, they wanted a full week, as I spent "no quality time with them at all anymore"
When it was a full week, they still complained it wasn't enough, asked for 10 days or 2 weeks
I tried again to go for 11 days and they wanted me to go 2 weeks twice or three times a year because you guessed it " 11 days was nothing to enjoy as a family"

Some people are not happy no matter what you do

A friend of mine said his Mother was such a misery he tried to bribe his teenage kids with money to go and see her and they
still refused.

PS sorry that you have to suffer through this on&up

Well this is not like any elderly relatives I know. Indeed I have to be on my toes to hold up my end of the conversation eg climate change, politics, music and so on

Can I suggest that it’s not necessarily an age thing, but boring, whinging old folks were probably boring whinging young people?

"Being estranged from a child myself, it makes it worse to hear this sort of complaining" it most certainly does Onward. My m.i.l. used to complain too and I would tell her her fortunate she was to have such attentive adult children and to see her GC and GGC. I'd tell her 'we should be so lucky' being estranged from our only GC.

I know it's easier said than done but it doesn't matter if they think you do enough, what matters is that you know you are doing all that you can, and if that LC is what's needed for your own well being then that's what you should do

It is difficult for those eldery people but we all need to protect ourselves

We are attracted to positivity - energy vampires do not understand that

I admit it's hard when the old relation complains about other relations. Just don't rise to the bait, and calm the situation by listening and a noncommittal reply. Plus oodles of reassurance they are not going to be abandoned.

I'd certainly not like to be taken to a supermarket cafe when the younger relation gets taken to a posh restaurant. Circumstances alter cases.
No wonder old people stuck in their houses all day become insecure and even paranoid.
If providing frequent and unremitting verbal reassurance destroys your soul then you are too vulnerable.

So sorry Grandmabatty. I think that often happens in couples.
It becomes very obvious who did what when there is only one person left.

Recently I had to distance from another elderly relative because when they complained which restaurant they were taken to by their kids all I could think was "you were taken out BY YOUR CHILD with your GRANDCHILDREN and you COMPLAIN?!!!" Grrrrr. I would LOVE that and I would NOT complain.

Being estranged from a child myself, it makes it worse to hear this sort of complaining. They know this and either have no self awareness or simply do not care about my feelings. Either way, it's a pity they don't get counselling or help to reframe their thoughts- because the only person who hears them are the people who are PAID to or who volunteer to talk to elderly people. It's a pity these people aren't trained to be reflective, but it must be a really draining job and I admire anyone who can do it.

In my case, my dad deflected the worst of mum's behaviour for a long time. After he had died, her bad behaviour became obvious to everyone.

Ahh so sorry to read of your experiences too! I hope we never become like this!

One of my relatives saw her daughter twice a week, but ran down that daughter to everyone. Basically nothing she did was ever right. Then the Mother moved 200 miles away and now complains that her daughter didnt give up her life and career to live there and look after her. Self fulfilling prophecy is correct. I believe these energy vampires create these situations to further fuel their self pity, demonize their kids and try to control others so they get everyone dancing to their tune.

How on earth does a person become like this? Do they not have the self awareness to realise or do they just not care as long as they get what they want?

My DH had this situation with his mum. Made worse by her living the other side of the country. He finally snapped and now has LC since the start of the year. We came back from a recent holiday to a letter from her. Well it was a copy of a newspaper memorial of her husband who died 3 years ago all the letter said was I’m still alive. Sigh ….

Such a difficult situation isn’t it you have my sympathy. I pray to God I never get so bitter.

I do think some old people just get into a habit of moaning about everything. I’ve certainly known one or two. It’s very wearing, though.

Re ‘nobody visits’, it was down to fairly early dementia, but I once met my brother just getting into his car to go, as I was arriving at my mother’s.
Once inside I said, ‘So you’ve just seen R - that was nice!’

‘No, he never comes near!’ And she honestly believed it - her short term memory was already non existent.

Perhaps your mother felt estranged. sago even if it was her own doing.
Some mothers cannot cope with not being Queen Bee any longer and turn into hard done to, everything I did for you people.
It is indeed very sad for all involved.

My late mother had NDP, she told anyone who would listen that I did nothing for her.
I cleaned her home, took her shopping, had her over for lunch on Sundays etc etc.
After her death I met one of her church going friends who said to me how sad it was that had been estranged for so many years.
I put her right but I’m sure she didn’t believe me!

It's self fulfilling, isn't it Onwards? They complain that they're lonely but actively push people away. My mum is very difficult and I have over the last few years detached emotionally from her as she has been thoroughly nasty to me and spoiled many occasions when the highlight was on me, such as a special birthday or my retirement. I visit her every week whereas before I would have gone in most days. I stay for half an hour. If she is pleasant, I'll stay longer. I can feel sorry for her without feeling guilt that her life is now very restricted. Low contact is necessary for your well-being.

Low contact, or limited contact because of the emotional trauma caused by spending time with these people.

OnwardandUpward what is LC?