Elderly relatives who are lonely but are impossible

So sorry to hear about your colleague @LRavenscroft. I suspect this person was always internally like that, but able to keep up a front when young- that slipped as an older person. beentheregotout.com/what-happens-to-narcissists-as-they-grow-old/

It's sad isn't it. We have to feel sorry for them and accept that they can't change. As my therapist would say "You can't change other people, but you can only change how you deal with them".

Other people tend to judge on their own standards, but we need to remember that not everyone has the same standards. We can be kind and good and taken advantage of and cruelly abused- and those elderly narcs can still continue their campaign of hate, recruiting people to abuse us and pile undeserved hatred on us further, as they always have done.

Sad. I have had much therapy. I know it was never ever about me.

hollysteers

A good point was made upthread that this type of person has probably been a whinger all their life. Old age just worsens the trait.
I have an old colleague from working days I always described as “Being so cheerful keeps me going” Everything wrong. She was 36 when I met her, why should she be different now she’s in her eighties with arthritis? She could never compliment anyone, even when they were outstanding and bereavements gave her more excuses to bemoan her lot.
Old age is not a trophy or an excuse to make other peoples lives miserable.

Interesting to hear about your colleague. I had a colleague who was a great friend and fun loving person, centre of the party. As she grew into old age and was no longer able to keep up the 'party girl' image, she became a very difficult person to spend time with, so much so that she actually became nasty about her family, nasty to your face, and nasty about everyone she encountered. I was sad to see her go that way but was helpless and she berated me for everything.

Yes well, strangers love to judge- and people in general seem to make massive judgements on what they are told without looking any deeper. For example, people have told me what a bad daughter I am when I am doing everything kind and good!!! Just because I have a parent who has always stirred up trouble for me, whatever I have done.

If like me, you have been the scapegoat , it doesn't change when you're older and they're older. People believe "vulerable old people" when they say awful things about their kids- but they need to realise what might be on the other end. And also many elderly people say they haven't seen anyone when they actually have. My lovely MIL did that but she was forgetful.

Just because you write online that you're struggling does not mean you are a bad or neglectful person. Many of us have had a lifetime of abuse and scapegoating without strangers joining in. There does come a time when you've dealt with Narcissistic abuse your whole life that you realise you're getting old yourself and it's still happening. Then you need to address things in order to save your MH.

It is always refreshing to see someone judge a stranger on the internet because "it's your mother".

I have had experience with both. A toxic mother who I was estranged with and my grandmother who was never toxic but is now a serial complainer. There is a huge difference.

All I can say now is that no one, especially not strangers on the internet, should say a thing about the choices another person makes until they walk in their shoes. Which will be never. Just because you put up with your elderly relatives doesn't mean we all have to make the same choice.

(and) we all have our limits, along with differing family bonds/relationships. There are things we can do - and others we can't. If we just do our best, we should never feel guilty for not doing more. We don't have children expecting them to care for us in our old age, do we?

What worries me (and my best friend) is - will we be that awful in 20 years? Her mother was very friendly, funny and happy - until, in her 80s (and housebound) she's become a serial moaner. I really wouldn't want my kids to suffer through it.

@Sago I'm so sorry. I am expecting something similar when my parents die. I have had people have a go at me for neglecting them while they are arrive, despite me doing everything for that that I could. My siblings who live further away and cannot be there for them are idolised. I believe that my Father tells his brother that I am nothing to him because every time they get together I am excluded.

That's so sad Sago- and yet, I am waiting for it. They have caused me trouble when they are here and will probably do it from beyond the grave. I have no good expectations of either of them after a lifetime of being scapegoated. It's sad that anyone would lie about their kids like that. They also have tried to cause trouble in the family between my siblings and their kids. It's all about them!

I'm not sure to what you're referring Paddyann54. It's worth remembering that there are two sides to every story and if a parent tells you their kid doesn't want to see them remember it could be several things. (a) the child may be heartless and itmay be all the child's fault (b) the parent may be hard to deal with and there may be a background of abuse, no matter how "nice" the person seems. (c) other.

Either way, if people could keep an open mind if they are told that a person has been "abandoned".... it would be a lot less judgemental.

In the case of my Father, he probably gets a lot more attention by excluding me when his brother visits so he can complain about me . It's not nice to be treated like that, I can tell you. I know I am not valued and never will be.

Hetty, even as I wrote the above, my feelings come back to me as if I saw her yesterday.

Hetty, I well know how difficult it is when the old person is your mother! I hope I have lived and learned, but of course my mother has been dead for a long time. it's easy to have hindsight.

paddyann54, spot on! Caleo, adults? Some are, some prefer to victim blame. My mother was unpleasant (throughout her life) but I did what I could - because she was my mother. I found it far easier when I thought of her as mentally ill (she was) rather than just plain nasty.

And there are people on here who complain they never see their families...but who think its ok to treat their own mothers like this.Beggers belief !!

My mother suffered from what I now recognise as Munchausens and generally spoiled every family get together, celebration and party from when we were children. It was like walking on glass with bare feet. When she grew older and had to go to hospital - even for an outpatient appointment - she would sit by the phone and ring every family member. Thank heavens there were no smart phones back then. It was much easier to go low contact and cite work committments.

I lived in another city. There were mobiles but I never told my family I had one for 3 years! I had an EU research job which (genuinely) took me to Paris, Brussels and other cities for a few days about every couple of months. However I told my family I had to travel every other week and never knew when I might have to shoot off to Europe. When they complained I never "sent postcards" I used to write out half a dozen and give them to colleagues to post from whichever city they were headed to.

It was quite a game!

You said it well @VenusDeVillendorf

Yes, there's a saying I quite like . It goes like this "Please yourself because then someone's always pleased with you" LOL

The older I get, the more I appreciate time on my own and it gets harder to find anyone who I prefer time with than myself! The toxic ones think they punish when they ignore, but it's a gift. I'm very thankful for those in my life who it is a pleasure to spend time with, but I can never make a difference in the moany ones' lives. It always leaves me needing counselling! I'd simply be better off alone.

Oh they’re just narcissists and emotional vampires.
They were probably narcs when they were young and now they’re old they’re still narcs and they’re alone because they’ve eaten everyone, and are looking for fresh meat 😀

Don’t feel guilty. Whatever you do it’s never enough for them, so spend your time wisely and do something for yourself, or for someone who appreciates you.

We are all adults here and perfectly able to rise above the foibles of elderly people, because that is what adults do.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I think some just become totally inward looking and selfish in their own little worlds - quite tiny, sad, diminished worlds, so warped that petty things become significant while important stuff is forgotten. They completely lose touch with reality, lose interest, empathy, then sink into depression. They become demanding, spiteful and bitchy in their miserable, lost hopelessness. Instead of a life - they have a mere existence (often painful) to be endured, one without joy, purpose - or any hope of change and improvement. (My African friend says the world is heaven or hell, depending on 'which eyes you're looking through' (your state of mind)). We see them deteriorate, sink into gloom, become unbearable, unreasonable - and depressing. We lose the person we knew, as they become a bad copy, we resent spending time with them, feel bad - so victim-blame and distance ourselves - it's only natural, the need to escape the negativity.

My mother in law was like this but eventually I realised that she didn't want me to solve any problems - just listen to her so she could have a good moan. She always seemed more cheerful afterwards although I usually left feeling quite depressed!

Paddyanne, your last sentence says it all. It must be awful to be old with health problems and limited mobility and I think we need to think we all do our best hopefully, sometimes we have to count to ten, it’s not as if it’s 24/7. Best to be kind to our elderly relatives despite the provocation sometimes, we go home to our families.

A good point was made upthread that this type of person has probably been a whinger all their life. Old age just worsens the trait.
I have an old colleague from working days I always described as “Being so cheerful keeps me going” Everything wrong. She was 36 when I met her, why should she be different now she’s in her eighties with arthritis? She could never compliment anyone, even when they were outstanding and bereavements gave her more excuses to bemoan her lot.
Old age is not a trophy or an excuse to make other peoples lives miserable.

Honestly I am reading this and this was my mil. Nothing we did was right and not enough. Never a thank you always a moan. Oh how I miss her😏

Narcissistic Personality Dosorder. OnwardandUpward explained on the previous page .

Sago

My late mother had NDP, she told anyone who would listen that I did nothing for her.
I cleaned her home, took her shopping, had her over for lunch on Sundays etc etc.
After her death I met one of her church going friends who said to me how sad it was that had been estranged for so many years.
I put her right but I’m sure she didn’t believe me!

NDP? What is this, please?

I am more than thankful that I am not MerylStreep:😂

A lovely compassionate post from you. paddyann54.

I have seen many poor souls in the hospital over the last three years who looked SO lost and bewildered because they had not seen any of their loved ones while being hospitalised, which we all know was due to the lock downs.
I even offered my I-pad to a nurse to see if she could get the next of kin of one dear soul, who was not eating, on Facetime but she said she would have to get permission.
I said in that case can she not phone the next of kin for that person to have a word with the patient to see if she could recognise the voice.
This was done but it wasn't the patients son who answered it was his wife, but to see the lovely look on that dear lady's face because she recognised the voice and she started eating a sandwich, was to me one of the nicest happenings in that hospital. Even the nurse was chuffed because she saw the patient finally started eating.

YES! I DO KNOW there are many crochety old folks who think their offspring should spend more time with them and I can understand their families getting short tempered with their elderly relatives but now that many of you on here are familiar with phones, computers and I-pads you wont get to this stage, because you can all keep in touch through technology, which many of my generation are either too old or frightened to learn.

Just refer to the last sentence paddyann54 wrote.

Plus it is not my job to manage or mitigate anybody's feelings

I am responsible for my own, never others