Son

I just thought the more fool you a bit unnecessary Hithere I wondered what it was about the I need advice statement that deserved a negative response?
Sometimes people just like the sound of their own voice. (General comment, not a underhand dig at you😊)

Namsnanny

Yes, that poster is right

I don't understand why a person keeps trying the same action over and over again expecting a different outcome

Could denial be involved here?

Sorry, but you just have to tell him that you can’t afford to subsidise him any more.
Then stick to it, no wavering.

If he complains tell him to get a job.

LOUISA1523

You are enabling him.... more fool you

Really?

Could your son get a job? That might help .

It's so hard when all you want to do is help family - but as others have pointed out it does need to stop.
Charity begins at home but only when you can afford it!
Has anyone actually sat with your son and said let's have a look at your budget? Other posters suggestions of directing your son to Debt management may be valid but has he actually got debt or is he just winging it from day to day and then belatedly realising that he should have bought nappies and not chocolate or whatever?
Admittedly the situation is not helped by only working intermittently but in the past I've had experience of family members not working overtime because it messed up their benefits - which kind of encourages a lifestyle driven by benefits because they don't want to be without much needed money that they can get without working for it.
But however you deal with it - you and your husband going short to fund someone else's lifestyle is not going to do you any favours at all. Better that you stretch a meal to include the grandchildren than handover yet more money when you don't how it's being spent. I hope you get it sorted soon for the well being of everyone concerned.

whilst he isn't working, wouldn't it be worth having a conversation with him (and his wife presumably) about the future? At 30 they both could study/train in jobs they would enjoy?

I'm sure I don't need to add to the stop giving them money but I understand why it is hard for you to say no when they have small children

Whilst I wouldn't recommend telling your other children about how much you have given your son, it might be worth having a conversation with them about how you are going to play things in future. Maybe if you all stood together, it would make him realise that he needs to either get help to cope or face up to his responsibilities.
What a lot of people call "feckless" doesn't take into account that a lot of people who live like this are struggling with their mental health. It could be that they are overly anxious but don't feel able to say, struggling with undiagnosed neurological-diversity, or depression. It might be worth looking back at your son's pattern of behaviour from childhood to the present day to see if you can see a significant difference between your other children and your son. My son's ADHD was put down to laziness, a "can't be bothered" but impulsive attitude and disorganised. His early adulthood was difficult for him to manage his finances but now he is aware of where the underlying problem is, he is able to use strategies to cope. He feels less of a failure and we try to focus on his strengths.

Are your other children aware of how much money you have been giving him (I won't say lending because he's not paying you back)? I'm sure they wouldn't be happy if they knew all the facts and they would join you in refusing to lend him money. I know you are worried about your grandchildren but he is a grown man and they are the responsibility of him and his wife. Where is his wife in all this? Does she know what he's doing or is he assuring her that everything is fine?

The situation with your son is a classic example of a big problem with the Welfare State.

Your son, nearly thirty and a father of three small children ‘only works when he feels like it’
In other words he expects other people, hard working taxpayers to subsidise his lazy lifestyle.
It’s not on is it?
You and your husband sound like good hard working people, and it’s so unfair that you feel you have to keep coughing up money to provide for your grandchildren.

As others have said though you have to stop, to force him to grow up and provide for his family himself

Enough already! Let him grow up and take responsibility for his own life. Warn him though.

I remember my brother doing this and turns out he had a drug habit. Just saying.

Bear in mind that he will, as they say,' weaponise' his children to try to change your mind. and what he says will probably not be true.

Hi all thanks gor you reply. I know what I ned yo do and its definitely a no more money. My main concern are his children/my grandchildren x

Let's not berate the OP for helping her son even if you think it was the wrong thing to do. Let's just try to help her move forward.
The first thing would be to sit down with your son and tell him that you won't be able to help him with his finances any more. I'd be honest and say that you feel that he is old enough to stand on his own to feet and that you won't be there forever to help him out. I'd be inclined to say that because I love him and want the best for him, I feel that I have to make this stand. I would make it clear that I am always around to signpost him the way to get help but that giving him money will not be an option. The best love you can give is firm but gentle love.

This might be useful to help him get food at a reasonable rate: www.ukharvest.org.uk/education/fed-and-nourished

If he is seriously in debt, there are ways of taking the pressure off. The Citizens Advice can help out with that.

Whatever you do, do it as a united set of parents. No underhand passing of dosh when you feel sorry for your son. My stepmother could not keep a united front when my father said enough was enough with my brother. I can't help feeling he might have been here today if he hadn't had someone paying for his addiction.

I would sit him down and tell him that you can't afford to lend money anymore because you are leaving yourselves short.

You could also put him in touch with other organisations to help

The website "entitledto" will help ensure he is getting all the financial assistance he qualifies for and there will be a local food bank in the area

You are enabling him.... more fool you

It's not clear where all this money is going, especially if he's getting more from the others. Is there any chance he has a drug or gambling problem? That is where never-ending amounts of money can disappear without trace, so just wondering if that's a possibility. Ask the other family members if they have any idea where the money is going. He may need more than just debt management if he has another problem.

He only works when he feels like it, goodness me! And you have been giving him money for years! And it’s causing your poor husband untold stress, there’s helping out, and helping out, he’s a freeloader isn’t he, and you say you are hardly making ends meet, it’s your choice though isn’t it, if he said to us he needs more money I’m afraid we would say get off your bum and do some work then, you are not living off the bank of mum and dad, it sounds like something else is going on here, please don’t feel like a failure op you are hardly a failure. We would say no and mean it! How is he going to learn if everytime he asks for money you give it to him,

just. say. no.
no reasons. no discussion. just no.

I would phone or text now and say the £40 he had today he does not have to pay back, as he probably wont, but it is the last money you are lending him as you cannot afford to do it anymore.

If he has to manage his money better he will or will be forced to get a full time job.

I understand why you have given him money but you are enabling him.

He "works when he feels like it" - so obviously can actually work if it suits him.
If you say no, he must see that work is the way to get money.

It's no good "helping him" because what you are really doing is colluding with his way of doing things - so nothing will change. You need to stop.
Do not try to argue logically, just say you don't feel you want to do this anymore. Just say you you have had enough. Give him the details of the local CAB or debt management charity and stick you your guns. Do not reason with him in any way.
The truth is how you feel.
You feel you have done enough.

Tough I'm certain.
Thinking of you. 💐

You are going to have to just say no.

Your son is not borrowing from you he is taking from you ! Your husband is correct ' enough is enough ' Direct him to a debt management service and leave him to it. If you don't put a stop to this it will go on and on and on! !!! I hope your other children do not give him money, perhaps you could get together with them and devise a plan of action . Back your husbands decision, stand firm together and do NOT ' lend' him any more money. You are not a failure you are a mother doing her best, you son needs professional financial help.
Be strong and good luck.

Your son keeps doing what he is doing because it works

He keeps getting money from you and you chose to keep giving it

The lendee does not get the money unless the lender (you and your dh) say yes to the request

Tough love is the way to go