Saying sorry

Little children don't understand when you say something like, Sorry you fell over and hurt yourself. Interesting and understandable, because the one saying sorry didn't do it of course.

People often want a more detailed 'sorry', as in explain exactly what it is you're sorry for. Then you may discover if they really mean it. I've known some people who demand a grovelling, humiliating apology, and even that is not good enough! How horrible to be like that. When I was forgotten in the vaccination queue recently, the guy vaccinating me said sorry several times, and said, All I can do is say sorry. I was fine with that, though it wasn't actually his fault. However, it was said with such sincerity.

I tend to agree with your DH. It's often as meaningless as 'How are you?' (followed with chat so that there's no time to answer). I'm more impressed by behaviour than talk! I say sorry to move things along or be on the safe side - without really meaning it.

‘We had a saying’ sorry for the typo in my post!

You definitely should mean it if you say it. My husband used to struggle to say it but does occasionally say it now and sometimes it means a lot to hear it. When I was younger we had a dating in our house ‘you need to say sorry three times’ I can still hear my mum saying it and us laughing, it just brought a bit of joviality to peoples discomfort at having to say it.

Just as an addition, if you hear say for example that your neighbour is sad about something I would automatically say: Sorry to hear that. Mmm may be worth thinking of a few other phrases to use instead. 'Oh dear! That is a shame', for example. Interesting thread.

User7777

My sister never says sorry. She can be verbally abusive quite often, especially when her adult son upsets her. I am not sure whether to continue seeing her as I am in poor health and the stress I get from her is enormous. I can only sleep alright if I havent answered the phone to her late at night

Thank you for posting your response as it really chimes with advice I was given by someone in the know. They advised me to put down strong boundaries with difficult people and only to accept them on my terms. We have been brought up to be responsible and co-operative but sometimes we need to put ourselves and our health first, especially as we get older.

If I said sorry to my parents I was always asked what I was going to do to make "it" better. Accepting the verbal Sorry from some is fine, from others, worthless.

Saying "sorry!" sometimes is an irritating verbal tick .

The only sort of "Sorry" that matters is the one that is followed by contrite action.

My late DH used to say I never said sorry to him after an argument or whatever - wish I had now.

My mother always said that she would apologise for anything to anyone, consequently we never took her apologies seriously as we thought it was just lip service, whether she meant it or not.

As my mum used to say, "do as you would be done by".

One of the tricky things is if someone tells you they have been very hurt by you, (and you can see they are genuinely hurt, but also feel they have greatly overreacted, after great examining you conscience): for me its then dependent on the situation and the person. If its someone vulnerable, I can quite geuninely say I'm sorry: it costs little: however if it is someone very manipulative, but close, it's a real dilemma. Best options to be able to discuss the situation, but not always possible.

I'm sorry if I hurt feelings and I say so. Just words used to express what I feel at causing upset. I say 'sorry' often.

Just this morning I tipped a bit of coffee on my husband, accidentally, I was sorry and it could happen again - no harm to saying 'sorry'.

Daugher2 called, I didn't hear the phone, was sorry she had to waste her time on a message and calling again. No problem to say 'sorry'.

Part of life, imo, is being sorry for imperfect actions.

"The Bible definitely promotes and includes confession (to God and others), repentance, seeking forgiveness, and making peace."

It depends on how it's said and in what context.

There are plenty of people who say sorry and then go and do the same thing again. Many times over.

Abusive partners and self-obsessed prime ministers spring immediately to mind. Naming no names.

Treading on peoples feet is very satisfying!! Oh dear! I think you need to get out more!

There have been a fair amount of errant politicians saying 'sorry'. Apologising basically for having been caught out. In contrast, a genuine apology is fine by me.

He’s right ….just a word. Had years of it ….husband saying sorry…. but if you don’t change the behaviour…sorry IS just a word!

Not sure if I agree about "sorry you if you feel that way" and "sorry if I upset you".
It seems possible to be sorry if your actions or words upset someone, but to still standby those actions or words if they are still what you believe.

Being sorry about our actions towards one or other is very different to saying sorry.
I never dismiss an apology. I simply acknowledge that yes the action upset me, thank them for it and then move away leaving them to think about what they said or did. Even on really big issues. It leaves both time to reflect and avoids any knee jerk comments leading to even more issues.

JaneJudge

it depends whether it is sincere
I dislike the new 'sorry you feel that way' stuff as it isn't an apology at all

I agree! I’ve had an apology which basically said ‘I’m sad you are upset with me’ - not sorry at all! I didn’t see any need to accept that one!

I don't like people being asked to say sorry. If they are genuinely sorry then fair enough but is doesn't really change much

I never made my kids say sorry. They knew they should but it was a change of behaviour I wanted to see not making them say sorry. At my grandson’s school he is relentlessly bullied by one child and the school seems to think that making that child write a letter full of lies and excuses (on a regular basis) is fine so long as he says he is sorry in it. The bully is made to say sorry too if he is seen bullying then afterwards says he will get my grandson back for complaining.
I see sorry as an empty word unless the person shows sincerity.

Thanks for all your comments. Good debate

Wyllow3 so true!

User7777 I used to have a landline, but now I have set my "bedtime" to 9pm on my mobile, it does not ring after that, meaning that Im not available for late night chats with any one and can relax. Wish Id done it years ago! So sorry about your sister. She sounds awful. I have toxic family members too who Im low contact with.

My sister never says sorry. She can be verbally abusive quite often, especially when her adult son upsets her. I am not sure whether to continue seeing her as I am in poor health and the stress I get from her is enormous. I can only sleep alright if I havent answered the phone to her late at night