Am I selfish for wanting to help out but not be the childminder

Team your husband

You suggested a good solution - establish your boundaries and defend them

Is your DH available to help? A 23 month and an 8 month old are an awful lot to manage on your own!! Could you offer one day a week?

My late mum and her’s also (my gran) always used to say “I’ve had my children to look after now you look after yours”! My mum did babysit and help out but wouldn’t have put herself out overly to do so. I believe the same. Don’t have them if you can’t look after them.

You are not selfish!!!

I looked after one GC two days a week when she was little. When the next one came along and issue of me helping with care was raised, I stated my terms: that I was happy to continue doing two days, but with one child at a time.

DD took this on board with no problem and was grateful for what I was able to offer. She obtained other child care as needed.

I was not out at work at all, but had a sick OH I was looking after.

Quite agree with previous posters. You have indeed done your own childcare and anything you do for DCG is your own choice. Some grandparents love to be involved regularly, others prefer (like us) to help out in emergencies and at other times when we can/are available, but not as a regular commitment.

If you don't look after your own health and take your rest days, you won't be able to help out as much as you want to, let alone as much as you're being asked to, so take care of yourself!

Good luck with sticking to your guns.

Gosh, I was reading dh as your husband and wondering how you coped with an open marriage and being asked to babysit his children. I guess you meant DD for daughter. 😄
I see it as a simple issue. Her children, her issue.
You are simply not well enough to help except in the odd emergency. She should have had childcare organised before conceiving. If she is assuming you will be looking after HER children she is being presumptuous and the sooner she is put right the better. She must know how precarious your health is.

Think your husband is right. You have health issues so do need a rest and childcare as well as work will not give you a break and fill the entire week without a break fir you.
I would have that chat and offer emergency help but committing to regular care is hard to stop once started.

This problem comes up regularly and I suppose the obvious thing to do is plead ill health and tell you just can't do it but I imagine if you don't she might not be able to work so you need to sit down and talk to your DD there is no other way round it.