Grandmother's rules.

Goodness, your grandmother sounds a lot like mine, biglouis, and I wouldn’t want anyone criticising her! She was born in 1880, and was very much of her time when it came to rules and behaviour, but she was always very kind. She was in her 70s when I came along, but I loved her to bits, and she me. I’d stay at hers as a child, sleeping in a massive soft feather bed in a long-sleeved flannelette nightie buttoned up to the neck, the smell of rose water all around - I thought I’d died and gone to heaven! She had so many stories to tell of the olden days, classic books to read, so much to teach me and so much to share. I adored her.

As for rules for our pack of grandsons, we make them up as we go along. Don’t break a bone on our watch seems to crop up a lot.

Thinking aloud still.....mind you the children are only 4,6,8,10. Not sure what will happen when/if they want to flout boundaries and put me/parents to the test, but I imagine I will be strictly "have to ask your mum".

I'm not sure however if they said something in confidence when older as needed to talk something over and asked me to keep it. Depends what it was.

Norah

Our rules are the rules our daughters have set for their children.

Sweets, screens, electronics, clothing, swimming, walking, (amounts of exercise) and reading - are daughters directed.

Absolutely.

Mind you, I happen to agree with the boundaries, I cannot honestly say how I would feel if I didn't.

I had an absent gran inasmuch as she didn't really care for children when she stayed, or if she did, its wasn't very apparent. She sort of wanted to have mum for herself and she quite clearly did not like my Dad who must have had the patience of a saint.
She never got over her daughter "marrying down": but in practice I'm not sure who would have suited - maybe a successful doctor or similar? Character would have mattered less.

Strict rules of not, I'd have loved your gran, biglouis. she clearly cared and I'm loving her having the time to teach you those things.

My paternal G'ma was quite poorly in later years and spent most of the day sitting in her armchair. When she had had enough of our chatter she would reach down and switch on the radio - always radio 4 - and we would know it was time to do something else!

My maternal G'ma lived more locally. She and my G'dad enjoyed going to the Darby and Joan club at their church every Friday.

Both had a main rule that you had to be on time for meals, otherwise just normal reasonable behaviour was expected.

For our Gchn we follow parent's rules as far as we can, though GD1 in particular is skilled at finding a way round that. We often say we'll need to check things out with her mum first and then suddenly it doesn't seem such a good idea!

I think that in my childhood I had a lot more freedom than many now because it was considered perfectly acceptable to disappear for hours. So long as you were back "for tea" or "when it went dark". Most kids then played in the street because there were fewer cars and in cities like Liverpool few parks in urban centers. We made our own fun. However we were not ferried around to so called "activities" as children are now. We had things like guides and brownies and dance classes but had to walk there or get the bus. And parents very seldom interfeared in school or with friendships. We were expected to "tough it out" if we were being bullied or were not invited to so-and-so's party.

My grandmother used to ask me how school had gone, what essays I had written and what marks I had got. When I got an order mark (for bad behaviour) she told me to do better but when I got a merit mark she praised me. My parents took no interest in my school work. If my father saw me reading a book or doing homework he would tell me to go and help my mother in the kitchen. I dont know what he expected me to learn there. I believe thats why I have so little interest in cooking or housework.

I agree with you Bikergran , routine and boundaries are essential with ADHD. I have it and I think I benfitted at being born at a time when children's behaviour was more regulated and controlled. I think having that framework, where life was regular and I knew where I was and what was expected of me.

Before anyone says anything about easier in the past because mothers did not work, I would add that my mother did work, what is more as my father was in the army so we were constantly on the move in Britain and overseas. But my parents kept a routine of expectations at home that I think were advantagious. My mind might be in chaos, but my environment was regulated, especially in my early years.

8 yr old gson has adhd he plays his mum up something rotten!

I do say shes been a bit too soft with him(she doesn't mind me saying this) but sometimes when you have done full days/weeks work it's easier to let things slide. But he does need a firm hand.

But when gson comes to my house it is like having a different child.

He knows Grandma will not tolerate bad behavior and if need be will get her "big voice" out which I have only done twice.

He is quite happy with the rules, will sit at the table for meals etc.

I do think children do like rules to stick to, that way they know whats what. He is always asking to stay at mine, maybe that is because there's only me here so he has my full attention.(so I can't be that bad lol)

biglouis

My grandmother had very strict rules. Bear in mid that she was born in the age of Victoria and remained an Edwardian lady until the end of her life. Her rules began with the premise that "children should be seen and not heard" and one did not argue with my grandmother. On the few occasions I ever answered back she would say"Hoity toity, Miss." and tell me I should respect my "elders ad betters."

To begin with the timing of visits was strictly regulated. No "popping in". "Come for afternoon tea, two til four" meant exactly that regardless of whether you were a child or an adult, a relative or a friend. My gran had a clock which chimed the hour. At four oclock she would stand up and say "Time for my nap. Thank you for visiting. Ill show you out." This left no room for objection that the visit was over.

For children like myself there was a rule for afternoon tea that sandwiches were eaten first. No cakes were allowed until you had eaten your sandwich. And no second cake until you finished the first. Another of my grandmothers sayings was about the"starving children in Africa".

When I was a small child I was taken to visit my gran by an aunt, who sat and chatted while I played with my dolls on grandma's whatnot. When I grew old enough to visit myself I was not allowed to just sit and chat. Grandma had a saying about the devil making work for idle hands. She would ask "Have you brought your mending child?"

By this she did not necessarily mean mending. Sewing, embroidery, crochet or knitting were all allowed. My grandmother also taught me how to darn socks, unravel old wool garments, make rag rugs and many other skills. If I did not bring some "work" to occupy me then she would very soon find something for me to do, such as holding out my hands while she wound up recycled wool into a neat ball.

Despite these "rules" I always enjoyed visiting my grandmother. You knew exactly where you were and what you were supposed to do. When I grew into adulthood she was the one to whom I went for advice. We did not always agree. But she would listen and then give me her opinion.

Some times she agreed when I didnt expect her to. Like the time I explained that I was consdering giving up my job as a librarian and returning to education because my qualifications had become outdated. She said "If this is what you feel you need to do to get on in life then thats what you must do."

Not long after this conversation my gran died suddenly of a massive heart attack. She was 96. One of my greatest regrets in life is that she did not live long enough to see me go to university and graduate with a 1st. She would have loved the ceremony and the formality.

Do you have "rules" or boundaries for when your grandchildren visit?

O BigLouis, this reminds me so much of my maternal grandmother who I adored, even though she was very straight laced (old term I know). She was very tall and held herself upright at all times and was always "made up". My grandfather on the other hand was short and stout (like the teapot ha ha) who had the bandiest legs (rickets I think as a child) who "couldn't stop a pig in a back entry" as folk used to say. He was much more laid back, but a very odd couple to see. I do miss them both though. My paternal grandparents came from Ireland. One was Catholic and one was Protestant so came to England so they could marry. Their house was completely chaotic, untidy and noisy but they were so laid back. She was a very good cook and we used to love going to see her after church when she would cook the most amazing fry up breakfast. Again, I miss them both very much. Both sets of grandparents very different but equally loved by all.

My rules for my grandchildren/great grandchildren
Dont go in my craft room without permission
If you want a treat ask (you will almost always be told yes)
if you are told no to something dont whinge I only say no if there is a good reason
Be gentle with the ipads they are expensive
dont be silly around the pool
always wait if people are talking
other than that the kids pretty much can do what ever they want they are all good kids and very rarely need pulling up on anything.

By the way my much loved mother was a lovely GM to our children. She said she had a lovely grandmother herself even though her own mother (the brainy one) wasn't that interested in her and her brother.

I know I was a disappointment to my maternal GM. She was extremely intelligent and musical. I'm bright enough but not like her. She tried to teach me to play chess when I was about 7 and I just didn't get it and I felt a bit scared and resentful towards her. I've never learnt since. But my GSS both play well, having learned from their other GF ie not my DH.
My other GM was horrible to my mother when she got engaged to my father and we hardly ever saw her.
I hope I'm a more accepting GM to the GSS who are very affectionate.

My grandparents were very kind and not strict, however there was no entertaining us, we visited and fitted in with what they were doing, I was always hands on, picnics, zoos and theme parks, taking them on holiday, just different times. I was really upset when my grandparents died and think of them often, they really loved all their grandchildren. It’s why I think it wrong to keep children from their grandparents when adult children cut their parents out of their lives. It’s all about control, not thinking of grandchildrens need to see them,

I had a GM who was born in 1860. I have no memory of her, I was 4 when she died aged 92. I have though been given accounts from people whi did know her and she certainly was not Victorian in her approach to life. Very generous, helpful and goid sense of humour. My other GM died before I was born, she was born 1875 and again portrayed as being very caring. Both had very hard lives. I have no rules for GC, we just go with the flow hoping to have a bit of fun.

I never had a grandma that I remember. My maternal grandma died when my mum was 2 weeks old and my paternal grandme had a stroke before I was born and I only vaguely remember her on a chair in the living room . She died when I was 4. My Mum had rules about sitting doing nothing. She didn't mean reading she meant something productive, like knitting sewing cooking or baking. I really missed out not being allowed to read books ( apart from the bible,). It meant I had little or no imagination and I was totally useless at doing essays at school. I've made up on the reading since I got married and have not stopped. I still am useless at doing essays because of not being allowed to read books as a child and teenager..I can however knit , cook and bake. My children had few rules and have grown up to be lovely Ladies with children of their own.

biglouis When I read your post I wondered if we had the same grandmother! So many things you mention are familiar to me to.

My maternal GM was born in 1880 and was a real 'lady'. My mother and I lived with her and my GF so they helped raise me from the age of six weeks. Good manners and good behaviour were foremost in her home. She was determined that I too would be a lady and with that in mind she sought to teach me all the 'ladylike' skills she considered necessary. From the age of about 3 she taught me to read and write (she read to me a lot) and by the time I started school at 5 I could read fluently and my handwriting was neat and joined up. Both my GPs had beautiful handwriting. She was a skilled seamstress and so I was taught to sew, everything from embroidery to using her sewing machine, and it all had to be done to the highest standard - or redone! Drawing and painting was also among my 'lessons'. She wasn't really a warm cuddly grandmother, and she could be strict sometimes especially about the sewing machine(!) but I always knew she loved me. If I was too noisy, cheeky or disobedient she'd just point at me with a very stern look and that was enough to rein me in. I probably spent more time with my GM than with my Mum who was always working or busy with cooking and housework. My GF was a quiet man who rarely raised his voice or argued with my grandmother just to keep the peace. He would walk miles with me, despite severe rheumatism, and teach me about nature: animals, trees, country folklore etc. Both my GPs talked endlessly about their childhoods and their parents and siblings, so I have a lot of insight into my family history. They were in their 70s when I was born and it must have been quite a shock to be involved in the daily care of a baby at that age, especially as neither of them had had much hands-on experience with their own children - they had a nursemaid/maid and a cook for that! They were married for nearly 60 years and never spent a night apart.

Sadly I never met my paternal grandparents and only know their names.

Now that we are grandparents our only house rules are
Be polite
Please and Thank Yous are expected
Don't slam the doors
Be kind
and Keep the volume down!! (not easy when they're all here)

We don't see our GC very often so I don't impose too many rules, we want them to have happy memories of us. They all love coming to us so I guess they can tolerate us.

My grandmothers' rules were fairly similar to OPs, barring handing out mending to do. My grandmothers led by example there, but didn't insist we followed them.

My own rules as grandma are: we eat all our meals at the table, without phones, tablets or computers present, as part of eating a meal together is talking to each other.

No-one, child or adult, speaks with their mouths full, or plays with their food, or feeds our cats titbits as the cats are not allowed to beg at the table,

We speak politely to each other and agree to differ when we hold differing opinions.

Upstairs windows are kept closed or only opened so little that neither children nor cats can fall or jump out.

That's it I think.

Both my maternal and paternal grandmothers were rather austere. They both had large families and I think they had had enough by the time I came along.
Children stayed out of the way as the grown ups talked and kept quiet. I had to stop ‘playing’ my grandmother’s piano as she didn’t like the noise (from the next room).
Each week a pilgrimage was made to each grandmother. One was messy, uncut lawns etc and the other was houseproud, with the daughter in laws fighting to be in her favour, preparing the high tea as she looked on.
My late DH and I have been easygoing with our DGD and certainly more affectionate, although I’m not mad on her table manners…

My rules - no snooping, take your shoes off at the door, try whats put before you, ask a blessing before you eat, never leave without hugs!!! I have four wonderful grandsons with parents that have the same rules. Grandpa is their bestie and they spend hours gaming with him. Grandma is the snack provider and they have a dresser well supplied and beverages in the pantry fridge. They are to ask and do.
My grandmother's were widows. I never knew my grandfather's. One grandma, which my great grandma lived with, was all about us kids. We never left without some small token of her love. My fathers mom didn't like small children so we only began a relationship with her as teens. Lived with her in summer so I could work. Built a great friendship with her which remained throughout her remaining,years. Both had similar simple rules which were just a matter of respect for her home and self. Loved all three dearly! Learned much at their homes that have become part of who I am as a mom and grandmother.

My paternal grandmother died when I was small.
Although we lived near my maternal grandmother lived quite near we didn’t visit very often. She did tell me that when her first child was about to be born (1894) the doctor told her to lift her skirts but because he was a man she refused and as a consequence the baby was suffocated.
During the war I was given compassionate leave to visit her because she was dying. She suddenly sat up and said “ if I die he will be down the pub every night”. She lived another ten years.

Our rules would be their parents rules

Not so far - it’s their parents I need rules for! They wEre always interfering with their rules Eg ‘Don’t let him look at your phone, Mum’ when Tony Grenada on wanted to sit with me for a cuddle with some nursery rhymes!

I loved both of my Grandmother's , my paternal gran suffered with poor health all of her life but was very gentle, loving and affectionate.
We'd play board games and she's ask me to read to her....which linked in to my maternal gran.
She'd buy me a book every other week and when I read it, she'd talk to me about the story and my thoughts on it. She was a very intelligent, independent woman (far ahead of her time in many ways) but her circumstances had prevented her doing what she wanted to do - she encouraged me in many ways from a very young age.
They made a wonderful circle around me as a child and I miss them both.

i was brought up by my gran from 6 weeks old, i stayed with her till i was 7 and then came back when i was 11, she had rules but more like a mother had, i probably got away with things because i was her GD, i was never really punished anything, but she did instill in me good manners and respect and a good work ethic, my granda was blind and worked in the blind asylum in glasgow, after he retired he would sometimes work from home making grommets for lagging pipes, the large balls of twine were delivered and we would sit for hours makes these, then thread 144 in a circle and tie them off, these would then be used to lag pipes, i knew that he had a deadline to keep to so i learned that sometimes work had to come first. i miss my gran so much, she died when i was 18, but i am thankful that she made me a better person.

Both my Grandmothers seemed like old ladies. One was quite posh and you to ask whether I had had sufficient if I stayed to tea. The other Grandmother was a little stern yorkshire woman who used to greet me by saying 'Na then then' . So different to the relationship I have with my 8 year old GS. We dance about to rock music and always go on fair rides together!

Meals at the table and no phones at the table