How do I deal with a rude 12 year old nephew?

I think you might be worrying unnecessarily singingnuttily. Young people’s moods change like the wind direction, and as you say, he was going through a “bad phase”.

I imagine something had triggered that mood that day. I would try to show very little reaction, stay calm and wait for the wind to change direction. It sounds as though his father has the right idea and knows how to handle him, by staying calm. Confrontation rarely helps.

If you greet him when he arrives as a very welcome addition to the festivities, and include him (as much as he wants to be included) in conversations, activities etc, maybe ask him to help out with things, he may surprise you.

Ask family to make sure he has his IPad or Nintendo games for the holiday. Record lots of suitable 12 year old films. play card games for money. Take the family on outings, ice skating, football in the park, kite flying, swimming, cinema. Children find visiting incredibly boring. Gone are the days of seen but not heard.
You can't change the way he is, its down to his family and it sounds like they accept him the way he is.

Sorry just realised others have suggested this.

Does anyone think that the lad might have some form of difficulty, perhaps on the autistic spectrum? Sometimes behaviour problems, difficulty in communication and social awkwardness go along with this.

Nannyknee

That is a straight up guilt trip and manipulation

GPs best friends? Some projection in that statement?

I had the same issue with my 12 year old grandson, we had family visiting and he was very rude. I sent him this and he did apologise and said he loved me, which did help

Spotted this today on the noticeboard of a local primary school...

There's every chance he'll behave quite differently in your home.

Sometimes just a Paddington Bear Stare works.
I must say my DD is excellent at saying much without words.

I agree with Eloethan I think I would be inclined to say there's no point discussing this if you have to resort to rudeness and then I would walk away.

Engage in the good and ignore the bad. Anything else will prompt further arguments ---- silence speaks loudly.!

I have dealt with an ADHD grandchild and most of it is for attention - ignore the bad and encourage the good.

I feel for you, singingnutty.

You may want to listen to Paddy Roberts "Don't upset the little kiddiewinks" (on YouTube).

When the young lord of creation kicks off, sing it outloud, and offer to teach the words to the rest of the guests who could drown him out by joining in.

The lines :

"help them on with their galoshes and hand them their coshes - and keep them well away from me!"

is memorable.

Hope you survive.

It isn't December yet and you are already anxious about his visit when you should be putting the sprouts on to cook.

Reacting to his behaviour will only make matters worse. Just ignore him. It will infuriate him! If you MUST say something keep it short such as “Is that really necessary?” Or “I’m sure you don’t mean that”. It will have far greater impact than making a stance. Good luck Singingnutty. I hope it goes as well as it can do. Xxx

I think Swampy1961 has given a good solution. Without being confrontational ask him to tell you why he thinks it’s rubbish and expand on what he thinks is a good subject/ opinion etc.
be prepared to listen and engage with him and expect him to do the same. He may just slam out of the room in embarrassment but it will make him think twice next time.

I don’t understand why teenagers are almost expected to be rude. I went to boarding school, and rudeness was absolutely not tolerated. My two girls were fine in their teenage years, or maybe I’ve just forgotten…….

Close friends had a daughter who was obnoxious at thirteen - my children dreaded her coming as she bullied, was rough with their things, and her parents seemed to be reduced to almost giggling embarassment, and did little to stop her. My OH, who is extremely even tempered, had enough one day and when he got her alone in the kitchen, he decided to speak his mind about her future and the effect that her behaviour was going to have on her, rather than trying to stop her being rude to others. He told her that if she ever wanted to have real friends then she had to treat people decently, and that she couldn't go anywhere in the world with the behaviour that she displayed and expect people to like her. I was holding my breath for repercussions from her or the parents, but it didn't happen, and she certainly behaved a lot better that day and subsequently. She has grown into a delightful adult, so take heart, singingnutty, perhaps a talking to might help at some point.

Sorry just spotted that this has already been suggested!

Any chance he might be on the autism spectrum?

One of you will come down with Covid won’t you? Problem solved.

Bea0802

It could be that he has ADHD. Controlling emotions can be difficult. Find out what his interests are and be prepared for these when he visits. It's not easy being around a child with this, but if you do the ground work, the relationship can be very rewarding.

This was what crossed my mind. Quite possibly his behaviour is as a result of ADHD. Sawsage2 gives good advice on how to deal with him.

Sexagenarian you can make children 'behave' I don't doubt.

Later in life the same children may forgive you for failing to help them to learn how to solve problems except by bashing other people.

There are some clever tactics being suggested to make the boy 'behave'.

However 'behaving' does no good as the boy is still seething with frustration inside himself.

I'd just invite them for a meal and talk to him eye to eye, smile, and let him do most of the talking. It works I know.

The poor boy is full of youthful vigour and longs to learn. Obviously when he is "rude" he is frustrated because he respects none of the company enough that they can teach him about more important ideas than you are all yacking about.

He has a limited time to fit in all the learning he has to do before he takes up adult responsibilities

Try to lead him into expressing himself instead of commanding him to toe the line.

jerseygirl

make him stand outside for an hour in the cold. do not put up with this loutish behaviour

And feed him bread and water.
Or thin gruel.

It could be that he has ADHD. Controlling emotions can be difficult. Find out what his interests are and be prepared for these when he visits. It's not easy being around a child with this, but if you do the ground work, the relationship can be very rewarding.