How do I deal with a rude 12 year old nephew?

I’m so relieved you weren’t my parent or grandparent happysexagenarian. We were never smacked. My children and grandchildren weren’t smacked. All perfectly kind productive members of society/. You’ll find prisons full of people who got smacked round the ear and stood out in the cold.

sazz1

My 9 yr old DGS told me to shut up and called me stupid about 6 months ago
I looked straight at him and said
I beg your pardon are you talking to me. When I want your opinion I'll ask for it. Now close your mouth and don't speak again until you're spoken to. Thank you.
He was so shocked he just stood there and then sat down quietly.
Has been lovely to me ever since.
Right or wrong I don't know and an old fashioned way of dealing with it but it worked and mum was impressed at the instant effects
Worth a try

Quite right too, they need putting in their place very firmly at that age, you may become the wicked witch but it’s got to be done.

Oh I knew some people wouldn't like my comment! I don't really care. When I was growing up, and later bringing up my own kids, that was daily life, and as I said it worked far better than the soft approach and negotiation with a child who was showing off and usually knew only too well how obnoxious they were being. In my opinion what's more disgusting than my comment is the behaviour of this boy and is parents failure to deal with it.

VioletSky

As much as I'd love to continue a debate about my advice to the OP

The toilet needs cleaning and I've got a pile of ironing to do

Sad times

How's the toilet cleaning coming on? I thought I would enquire out of kindness I did feel sorry for you on Sunday all that ironing and a dirty toilet to clean on what should have been a relaxing evening.

make him stand outside for an hour in the cold. do not put up with this loutish behaviour

Happysexagenarian

OP: My instant response on reading your post was "Give him a sharp slap around the ear and tell him to behave himself in your house. If he continues, open the front door and throw him out and tell him not to come back until he can control his behaviour and act in a civil manner." If he or his parents don't like it, tough! They're being far too lenient with him. If they ignore it they're setting themselves up for far worse in the future, and what example is it setting for his younger brother. Do they want to have two uncontrollable children that nobody likes?

The teenage years are not an excuse for bad behaviour and a lack of respect. Instant sharp punishment worked with our boys and they were never badly behaved in anyone else's home.

You can cause a lot of damage hitting children in the ear or anywhere on the head. This is abusive and I don't agree with it at all. You can also be prosecuted for child abuse for this and for throwing a child onto the street Disgusting comment

My 9 yr old DGS told me to shut up and called me stupid about 6 months ago
I looked straight at him and said
I beg your pardon are you talking to me. When I want your opinion I'll ask for it. Now close your mouth and don't speak again until you're spoken to. Thank you.
He was so shocked he just stood there and then sat down quietly.
Has been lovely to me ever since.
Right or wrong I don't know and an old fashioned way of dealing with it but it worked and mum was impressed at the instant effects
Worth a try

OP: My instant response on reading your post was "Give him a sharp slap around the ear and tell him to behave himself in your house. If he continues, open the front door and throw him out and tell him not to come back until he can control his behaviour and act in a civil manner." If he or his parents don't like it, tough! They're being far too lenient with him. If they ignore it they're setting themselves up for far worse in the future, and what example is it setting for his younger brother. Do they want to have two uncontrollable children that nobody likes?

The teenage years are not an excuse for bad behaviour and a lack of respect. Instant sharp punishment worked with our boys and they were never badly behaved in anyone else's home.

My eldest DGS is 12 and I have two 11 year old DGDs so this stage is familiar to me. My response (thankfully my DGC are generally polite) is to speak to them as young people rather than children and I would ask him if he had any suggestions for group discussions that he might find interesting and being mindful of the various other people present. My DGS likes to discuss politics as does one of the DGD and that makes interesting group discussions about colonisation etc and another likes to talk about plays she has been in so we try to accommodate them both however it might come down to trying to find a shared activity a game or xbox game you could join in with; my eldest DGS likes Minecraft and I play with him sometimes though I am a bit rubbish at it😂 the key to it in my opinion is trying to get him to feel a shared involvement in a family occasion as it sounds like he is trying to get some attention and doesnt know how to manage it without out bursts

I'm with violet sky on this one, I've worked with young people for years as a social worker and foster carer & I found that shouting at them or hitting them whoever did it, doesn't work. I'd speak with his parents about how to manage it, its highly likely that they can't stop him either, but I'd mostly ignore him & just say you don't like how he's treating people and spend your time with people who are pleasant to be with. I love Barmy old Bat's way of saying 'you don't seem to like me, so you won't want a pressie for me.' and let him dwell on that. If it would work, I'd say fine, shout at him, but in my experience it just increases everyone's anger without achieving whereas ignoring and withdrawing privileges makes them think about what they're doing. If you could fast forward 5 yrs or so, you'd probably find a delightful young man ashamed of his actions but this is a stage a lot of young people, me included, have to go through.

Oops. Didn't preview the above post...
to speak or act

My nephew was like this, we thought it was puberty, but it turned out he was on the milder end of the autistic spectrum. Once he knew that he felt better and, with the cooperation of his family, put things in place to help him. For example,

He could not cope with more than 4 people in any room with him, so he was allowed to go to his room instead of being told he must stay downstairs "because we have visitors".

His Mum would give him a 10 minute warning for dinner time, so that he could adjust to the change from what he was currently doing to attending the dinner table.

He planned each day, told his Mum/Dad his plans and adapted in the morning to anything that may have to be changed.

His shouty, demanding, rude behaviour reduced dramatically and he is now a very pleasant 25 year old.

Sometimes it's good to think outside the box.

I have teenage grandchildren. None of them are rude a d their parents would not allow them to be rude. It's not acceptable - and if his parents don't tell him so, you should. I wouldn't shout but would tell him firmly that he is not allowed to speak oracle in a rude manner so he should leave the room until he could behave in a civilised manner.

Unfortunately it’s just the age my step grandson is going through something similar his mum loses her rag but I said ignore him or tell him unless he talks properly you going to ignore him or just go with the ride she asked what I did and like I said I probably did same things it’s all part of growing up lol

He may well be different when away from home - so the 'problem' is just anticipated. My daughter's calm way of dealing with a teenage tantrum was merely to video it on her mobile. That stopped it in it's tracks and sent granddaughter off upstairs to calm down!

Modeling respectful behaviour as adults

Showing an interest in a young person's own interests

Listening to their thoughts and opinions

Changing the subject if opinions differ

Leaving the conversation if it becomes rude

All of these sound pretty sensible to me! I would add in making clear calm statements about why one is leaving a conversation because of the rudeness, as this is a form of modelling of making independent choices about what one will tolerate/engage with without getting angry or causing a scene, creating atmosphere or whatever.

Perfect time for a COVID test to come up positive.

And 12 is not a teenager, even if he was 6’7” I would give him a piece of my mind.

Completely unfeasible and unacceptable, but my fingers are itching to give this boy what was called in Ye Olden Days “a good hiding”. Yes, shock, horror.
Seriously, how dare he behave this way to you! His parents have completely failed him. Not to show respect to an Aunt when visiting is just not on. He may be having a difficult phase at home, but it should stay there.
If he spoke to me in such a way, I would get him by the scruff of the neck and throw him out of the door.
I do not understand posters dreaming up ways to accommodate such behaviour, favourite meals, distraction techniques etc. Stand up for yourself and do not put up with it.

And there I was thinking I was a soft hearted liberal…
Posts like this make me so angry.

I’m with ExDancer, and would ask him to explain why something is rubbish. I’d get eye contact first and wait till he has stopped talking/yelling, then say something like, ‘ Now, you may not realise that you have been very rude just then, but I would be very interested to hear exactly why you think it’s rubbish. Could you explain it to me?’ If he doesn’t want to have a conversation, I would say I’d be happy to talk with him when he speaks more calmly.
Even at 12 , attention is what they’re after, and, maybe in the past, bad behaviour is how he got it.

I was a bit older (about 13) when I started to disagree with all the adults around me. I think I was just trying to find my place in the world, but also (and wonder if this might apply) I was at the time terribly unhappy and getting bullied at school. In those days you didn't tell your parents. Has anyone asked this boy how his life is and if he is coping? He might well be expressing anger to his family because he can but the cause of the anger is elsewhere.

My eldest was absolutely foul at the age of 12 and I could cheerfully have given her away. She is now kind, thoughtful and considerate but she certainly put us through hell. Sometimes I would wonder if it was hormones at work - kind of permanently until she was around 17.

Barmeyoldbat your letter was perfect!
Your grandson could see that his poor behaviour had consequences.
A very good life lesson on all sorts of levels.
I hope he improved and received a card and some money the following year!

Yammy yes the boy is primarily the parents' responsibility, but they and their son all need to realise that the rest of society won't tolerate this poor behaviour.
singingnutty is perfectly entitled not to want to put up with it in her own house, and to say so if it's directed at her personally.

So many more good ideas on how to settle the situation than in previous posts.
The big question is, is it really up to the aunt to show this boy what his behaviour is like and how it affects people?
Is it the job of a relation he sees now and then to show him what his action causes?
Surely it is up to his parents on a daily basis, to set good examples and gradually get him to take notice of their behaviour, who is the main role model here? Not the aunt.
I still would cancel the visit and point out why it might bring to the fore to the parents that their behaviour is being mirrored and causing problems. They need to realise and put some of the suggestions into action.
I thought the gran writing a letter was very good and as she is close family probably felt comfortable doing so. But an aunt of the father maybe not be quite close enough. Also, she probably does not want to do so or cause a fracas during what should be a happy family get-together.

My grandsons behaviour was really awful towards us, didn’t matter what was said or done by anyone it just went on and on. So at the end of the year I give each grandchild a Christmas card with some money but that year instead of a card and money I wrote a letter to my grandson saying that I was just so totally fed up with his behaviour and the way he spoke to us and to to; it all I didn’t know what we had done wrong. So this year I just didn’t feel like wishing him any best wishes or anything even though we loved him very much and could we try and start again in the New Year and at least respect each other. It did the trick, word has it he was totally shocked by my letter and wrote back and apologised.