How do I deal with a rude 12 year old nephew?

Oh dear, seems far too many of us oldies want to return to the time of 'children being seen and not heard'!!! Most of those raised like that developed into highly repressed and problematic adults.

Read what violetsky says on here. Togesterone is running strong in many 12 year olds, and that - in many - leads to rebellion. Children have an absolute knack of knowing what it is that annoys adults most and that is the technique they use.
Children should not be subject to 'control', yes good guidance'.
How does this 'rudeness' manifest itself? Is he trying to find a way into the adult conversations going on, or just drawing attention to himself. Does he not have a book, phone or laptop to give him some sort of distraction?

If the OP really feels that a youngster is going to control who t4hey invite into their homes, then go ahead and cancel this visit - might be a relief to the parents for you to do so.

12 is a very difficult age, the poor boy clearly hasn’t been given enough boundaries.
My husbands nephew was dreadful at 12, he once asked my husband why he had spent so much on a rubbish car and said he should have been consulted on the purchase!
He is now a nice considerate adult.
Just be firm and patient.

singingnutty thanks for coming back and updating regarding your conversation with the grandmother.
It does unfortunately sound like her "excuse" for the poor behaviour.
Obviously 1000s of families have adults with successful high-pressure business and 1000s of children are under pressure with schooling and hobbies. This family is not unique. The poor behaviour is still not good.

I do hope your visit is more relaxed than you fear and that your distractions and the relaxed holiday mode combine to allow you to enjoy your guests.
As others have said, at least you will be able to learn from it if not and not invite them again!

If he is rude ignore him, and, if he has really awful, just freeze him out, do not aalk to to him, do not ask him whether he wants anything, act as if he isn't there.

DD once behaved very badly when a much loved grandma was present. Said grandma told me that she would ignore DD until she aplogised for her behaviour. DD was so shocked that her grandmother wouldn't speak to her or take any notice of her presence that the apology, a real apology, not a muttered few words, followed after only a few hours.

I’d exclaim , ‘how rude!’ and definitely let him know how you feel. He might not even realise he is being rude. Some kids at that age just haven’t been given social norms and are not experienced enough to know what they are. It sounds like he hasn’t developed much since the age of 4.

Perhaps “ spare the rod, use behaviour mod”. That used to be a saying in educational circles back in the day. That is ignore the bad and react well to good behaviour. As he seems to want attention then if he only got it when behaving himself there is a possibility……you never know.

VioletSky

As much as I'd love to continue a debate about my advice to the OP

The toilet needs cleaning and I've got a pile of ironing to do

Sad times

Well that says it all if the toilet needs cleaning on a Sunday evening!!!!!

As much as I'd love to continue a debate about my advice to the OP

The toilet needs cleaning and I've got a pile of ironing to do

Sad times

VioletSky

Yummy

Show respect to children in order to teach them how to show respect

Too many adults show no respect to children and are shocked when they get none back

Well, I wish I was yummy, though I have been accused of having a yummy mummy car.
I think if you are putting yourself out to invite people into your home then their parents should tell them what is expected of them. It actually shows the lack of respect for the aunt by the parents
What is the poor lady supposed to say"Now son I can see you are in your usual razz how about telling me all about it? There are a lot of adults saying show respect to the children but not many saying how to do it..or how to cope if he takes no notice.
We can all spout the textbooks but can we all put them into practice? Ideas on Gransnet, please.

JaneJudge

I don't know what world you inhabit where all children are well behaved and quiet. My own children were a bloody nightmare and some people's kids were even worse than mine

Mine were always great when visiting relatives. Different at home leading to one being put out at 16 after trying to set fire to his room.

How have you been shouted over Violetsky?

singingnutty

I have really appreciated all the comments made following my post. I have had a talk with his grandmother (my SIL) and it is obvious from what she told me that pressure is part of the problem. His father runs his own very successful business and is very 'driven'. Without going into detail, the great nephew has sporting commitments which entail training on two nights a week and events at weekends, in addition to sport at school and apparently a huge amount of homework. I am hoping that he will have relaxed a bit by the time they come to us, as they will have been staying over Christmas at a forest resort near to us. I have quite a few rubik cube and similar type puzzles for the two boys to enjoy and we have a tv in a room to which they can retreat. The 10 year old is very different to his brother - but isn't it always thus!

That explains so much singingnutty the pressure the lad is under.
Driven, probably "driving" father, possibly often absent, mum probably feeling neglected by driven husband - possibly cant always stand up to him.

I applaud your understanding and also your solution now you've posted. For them to have a TV room to escape to is great.

Yes, set some boundaries about rudeness to you, only you know best what they are, so many suggestions above, what works for you.

Fortunately they are coming after Christmas. I would hope you have an enjoyable Christmas planned and then you can do the good deed of having your nephew and family stay. Treat it as an experiment, if it is an unpleasant few days then never invite them over again, why should you? If it is ok then possibly do have them. Thankfully none of my nephews or nieces have stayed with us for years. We see them but not in each other's homes. It's just easier that way.

Children are on a journey from one to the other, and often need a bit of guidance.

If you give kids this guidance when they are very young (pre-school; Princess of Wales has it right on that front), they tend not to need it by the time they're 12.

I've been shouted over approximately 17 times in the last 20 minutes reading gransnet lol

Neither do mine but it does happen sadly

VioletSky

Adults shout over each other all the time

Mine don't.

We are all in the same world as you - but it is not obligatory to put up with it. Babies know only their own needs and comfort, and they scream until they get them. Adults (most of them) are aware of other people's needs and comforts, and act considerately toward them. Children are on a journey from one to the other, and often need a bit of guidance.

I don't know what world you inhabit where all children are well behaved and quiet. My own children were a bloody nightmare and some people's kids were even worse than mine

"VioletSky
Adults shout over each other all the time

No they don't."

No, not in my world either.

If the boy has a point he's trying to make singingnutty, tell him, "I'm happy to listen to your point of view, but just say it in a polite voice, there's no need to shout at me thank you."

Then let him explain his point of view and discuss it with him.
Give him that time, let him feel part of the conversation.

Of course he may not respond to this approach from what you say in your original post, in which case a "look" and turn back to the person you were previously talking to and carry on regardless!

absent your family's situation sounds horrendous, I'm so sorry for you.

Maybe the OP should "develop" some problem or infirmity that means she will be unable to host this family after all? It sounds from her posts at 26-Nov-22 13:36:17 and 26-Nov-22 23:26:57 as though there are tensions within it - driven father, unhappy mother, micro-managed surly child who doesn't want to be there - that overflow onto innocent bystanders. No-one will enjoy it, she will be on edge waiting for the next. It won't lead to a pleasant Christmas.

VioletSky

Adults shout over each other all the time

No they don't.

Quite likely there was a difficult situation at home, it happens often, sometimes children react in this way, others differently.
Even in well regulated families, children have different personalities, I had 4 boys, 2 boisterous 2 quiet, none particularly rebellious, the quiet ones needed more encouragement, they all went through Cubs and Scouts which gave them an interest they all could enjoy.

Why do they need to stay at your house and why should you entertain them when it’s obvious you are dreading it. They have no control over their son so why should you try too.

I would not put up with obnoxious behaviour from anyone I don’t care who they are. We had a house party years ago and friends brought their two sons it was my teenage son who put them in their place for being rude.

Why don’t you cut the visit short it’s up to you if you make an excuse. If enough people do this they might just get the message.

Riverwalk

^He is 12, quite a normal stage of development really.^

No it's not!

too right. It is not at all normal. All the 12 year olds I have been in contact with through my life (many) have been lovely and absolutely knew not ever to be rude to an adult. Something is going wrong in the boys own home. Perhaps the parents talk about you in a derogatory way and the boy thinks he can carry it on