How do I deal with a rude 12 year old nephew?

It shouldn't be about letting a child be unpleasant. The two are not mutually exclusive. Unpleasant children are not popular with their peers and to let them continue with that behaviour is not showing them any kindness.

Let’s get this clear - there will be four adults and one extremely rude twelve year old.
Four adults and one child! I’m astonished that so many of you think his behaviour is normal.
Put simply, this child is rude because he’s been allowed to be rude.

There’s no way I would tolerate it especially in my own home.
Ok I know it’s tricky disciplining a child when the parents are present, but if they don’t speak up, I would have to, quietly and firmly.

Yes OP please come back and tell us how you got on!

It's amazing what you can get put of children just by showing an interest in what matters to them and engaging them in their interests.

Too much of being a child is clearly defined. I remember our old school and you went in to a wall of identical drawings. Pretty but the formula so defined that the outcome was the same. Yet if you give a child a topic, a range of mediums and encourage their interests within it you get some amazing i individual outcomes.

Growing up shouldn't be about being what the adults around you think you should be. It should be about becoming the best version of you.

When you try to force children down your own ideal path and place heavy expectations on them to conform, they may try to please you or they may rebel

I used to teach a most revolting 11 year old boy who did his best to upset female teachers. I asked his opinion on some computer design one day in passing and from that day he was fine with me. He actually had a very high IQ but his mother had no idea how to handle him. You actually had to negotiate with him and get him to 'help' rather than do what you told him.

It should not be normal behaviour in the 21st century for a young male to believe he can ignore women and ride roughshod over their feelings.

I think you need to try and find a chance to talk to his mum and dad about it before deciding what to do.

Just tell him ‘it’s not big and it’s not clever, so button it for a while and go and find something to do’.
Cheeky bugger.
He’s trying to get a rise out of you (or his parents). Who knows/cares? Your not a psychologist and he’s just a very naughty boy (said in Life of Brian mode).
Good luck whatever you decide.
Do come back in the NY and let us know how things turned out though!

I agree eazybee at 12 years old the boy should realise what behaviour is acceptable. I most certainly would say that I don't accept rudeness but if he is not happy with something then we should be able to discuss it in a reasonable manner.

It is not normal behaviour for a twelve year old to be rude to adults, in his house and elsewhere; that is simply an excuse. Every child is capable of learning good manners. The problems lie with the parents because they tolerate his poor behaviour, and as they allowed him to treat his aunt with contempt in his own home it is likely he will do the same thing again. She is already dreading the visit and that is not right.
She and her husband need to make it clear immediately, should he be rude, that his behaviour is not acceptable; say so firmly, then leave the parents alone to deal with him. It may result in them leaving, but so what? Attempting to accommodate oafish behaviour only makes it worse, as his aunt discovered.

Can't you just ignore it? I think it can be normal for 12 year olds too. It doesn't sound anything out of the ordinary or anything of concern. Your dh doesn't need to get involved

Yup

Just leave the conversation.

It's the most clear but non confrontational message to send.

If it is more a situation that they are passionate about a topic that isn't agreed on, I'd change the subject to something less inflammatory

Families are different generations and often have different opinions about things.

I've actually learnt quite a lot from mine

Would try to include the boys in board games etc so they feel involved, but if he is just not interested or rude I would suggest to him that he might be happier doing his own thing elsewhere in the house.

I would not tolerate a 12 year old being rude to me without saying something. My two children when they were young and teenagers were always brought up to be very polite and respectful of other people.
People used to say what good manners they had, and were a pleasure to be round.
At home was a different matter they often were vile teenagers who were often difficult to handle, I think this is fairly normal.
They are both adults now who are lovely people and my daughter is bringing her daughter up to have the same good manners.

I think it's probably quite common for 12 year olds to be a bit pushy and self important, though that isn't necessarily the case - it's very much an individual thing. Shouting and describing people's thoughts and opinions as "rubbish" is really unacceptable though.

I would find it annoying for a young person to describe my opinions as "rubbish" but perhaps people have said that to him in the past, so the example has been set. I think I would be inclined to say there's no point discussing this if you have to resort to rudeness and then I would walk away.

Elegran

When adults can't speak civilly to each other I'm not sure what they expect children to learn

I am not a doormat

I just believe children are worthy of respect and consideration in conversation, especially when invited to events that are boring for them, especially if they are treated like a nuisance.

I've met enough adults who resort to rudeness when they aren't agreed with to know this is a stage of development some never grow out of.

I don't raise children to be disrespectful without good cause and I model that to them by making sure they feel included and heard.

It is on setting the boundaries that we all have different perspectives.

I don't believe that it does a 12-year-old any harm to be shown that other people are just as sensitive as he is to having what they say treated as rubbish, and if he wants to have his own thoughts and opinions valued, he would be advised to be polite about what others are saying. Just as an adult can disagree with him without telling him he is spouting garbage, he can also disagree with an adult without flexing his adolescent ego by being insulting. Learning to do that without overkill is called growing up. Sometimes learning can be painful.

Perhaps he has been treated like dirt and that is why he thinks it OK to treat the OP as dirt? It doesn't sounds as though the OP has been doing that, so she doesn't deserve to receive the treatment.

VioletSky can advocate the "I am a doormat, please wipe your feet on me if it makes you happy that there is someone worth less than you are" if she likes, but I wouldn't call it the best reaction.

Vs
+1

what's the marriage like ?
sounds like the man does not support the woman, and maybe the boy is modelling himself on his father by his domineering and dismissive attitude to women.
as they would say over on MN, this is a DH problem, rather than a DC one.

I might be tempted to ask him just what he thinks you should be talking about when he objects to the subject of your conversation. After all, he could be bored or feeling sidelined although I am not condoning his behaviour.

Rudeness is never acceptable but as he is not your child there's not a lot you can do so my advice is to ignore him singingnutty. Respond only when he's being polite. A good lesson for him to learn is he wont be engaged with when he's being rude.

Good luck.

Hmm not sure we have read the same OP then

I'm sure you are all doing OK but I don't agree that it's normal for 12 year olds to be so obnoxious as detailed by the OP.

I know full well that tweens can be difficult and moody but it's not normal for them to be so unpleasant that the OP is anxious about them staying at her home.

I also have child-related qualifications and am well versed in their social development.

I've raised 4 past 12 so far and we are doing OK

I have 3 child related qualifications so can only pass on what I've learned

Sorry you don't agree but 12 is a tricky age and far too often no understanding is given to those going through puberty and entering their teens that, they can go through the exact same stress and social difficulties that adults can and that the example set matters.

That doesn't mean not setting boundaries but it does mean not basically sending the message to a 12 year old that they are "just a child" with rules most adults would tell you to get lost for, to follow.

He is 12, quite a normal stage of development really.

No it's not!

He is 12, quite a normal stage of development really.

Best way to teach children how to be respectful is by showing them respect.

If he has opinions and ideas, listen as you would like to be listened too.

If he is rude, don't be rude back, don't undermine him by having an adult try to put him in some sort of place, just leave the conversation.

Children learn by example

It's not fun for most 12 year olds to hang out with older relatives rather than peers so include him as an equal with respect and you will probably get it back