How do I deal with a rude 12 year old nephew?

Glad the visit went okay. Thanks for the update.

It's always touchy to correct someone else's kid. The few times I've been faced with something like this, I pointedly and completely ignore the offending child. That gives the child absolutely no pay off from me and keeps the situation from escalating.

I agree River walk , this is not normal behaviour and it needs stopping asap! I recognize teenagers can be grumpy and opinionated - but not in my house they can't!!!
My G S is that age and I would be horrified and angry if he behaved like that in my house. He is my DDs son so I would have no problem in taking him to one side and telling him how I feel. I also know I would be on safe ground because my daughter would stand by me.

singingnutty - alls well that ends well. What a wonderful time you must have had with all the family!!

I posted this several weeks ago and there were lots of responses. Several asked me to give an update on how the visit went. The family had been to Centerparcs and came to us from there. I think the nephew had relaxed a bit over the days they were there, although my sister-in-law arrived saying she was escaping from her son-in-law (nephew’s father)! The saving grace of the visit was that there were football matches on in the evenings on Amazon Prime and luckily the TV in the room I had assigned for the nephews could show these matches. On one day they went to visit friends for lunch and on another day we went for a walk at a NT property with other family members and whilst we were there got a phone call saying son number 2 had come back from visiting in-laws so would like to come to see everyone. They all ended up at our house - 10 parents and grandparents and 7 offspring aged from 17 down to 4. We all had a great time - a very memorable afternoon. So, all in all, difficult situation avoided. We have a great group photo of all 17 of us (son 2 knew how to set his phone to ‘delay’) and also several of a tangle of the 7 offspring all trying to get on one sofa at the same time.

Vintagenonna

Wonder if new hormones have been invented over the last decade or two.

At some point or other this odious little twerp will find himself facing someone outside the family who won't 'make allowances' or 'reward the good and ignore the bad' and may find himself getting more than a telling off.

It would be interesting to know if this behaviour is tolerated among his mates, at school, at any clubs he goes etc.

Wonder if new hormones have been invented over the last decade or two

Obviously not!

Sorry Caleo, I think you underestimate that a 12 could do

HappyCatholicWife, it;s is hard for a young boy to know what a topic is called, or to know what questions to ask. Children need to be led as any teacher can tell you.

At the very least the adults present could smile and say to the boy " life is very frustrating isn't it".

The boy may be ready for basic sociology or psychology adapted for children. I wish him well. Obviously the child does not intend to be malicious, but is expressing his frustration

Rudeness is not a normal stage of behaviour! having opinions is, disliking being in adult company is but being rude is a choice the child is making, and he keeps making it because it gets him attention and no one is holding him responsible.
the moment he starts, tell him if he is not interested in the conversation go in another room. If the parents object they can go in another room as well or pack up and go home.

Vintagenonna, are you serious? What an aggressive and damning thing to say about this 12 year old child you have never met and actually know next to nothing about.

I'm with VioletSky on this. I think we teach children to be respectful by including them. If a child said we were talking rubbish, I'd ask him to explain why he thought it was rubbish and listen to what he had to say, and engage with him factually if I disagreed.

It's normal to do a lot of things, but that doesn't mean they're acceptable everywhere. It's normal to go to the bathroom, but I don't want to watch someone do it in the living room. I kind of loved the solution of getting up and leaving the room every time the actor started up. But I also think I would tell him that he's being rude, and that it's not appropriate. I'd also tell him that, if there's something else you'd rather talk about, then why don't you bring up a subject, when there's an opening, and we'll all discuss it.

Wonder if new hormones have been invented over the last decade or two.

At some point or other this odious little twerp will find himself facing someone outside the family who won't 'make allowances' or 'reward the good and ignore the bad' and may find himself getting more than a telling off.

It would be interesting to know if this behaviour is tolerated among his mates, at school, at any clubs he goes etc.

Give him a sharp slap around the ear

🙄🤔😟

Jess20 merits repreating:

"I don't think it's particularly unusual or abnormal for young people to behave like that for so many reasons. For a start they are experiencing enormous cognitive changes, their hormones are surging and their emotions are all over the place. You seem concerned about two things, firstly, your hint that it's unpleasant sexist behaviour is, to me, the most worrying aspect - I assume he isn't learning that at home. Adolescent boys are influenced by their peer groups and can be quite obnoxious as they start to learn to negotiate the complexities of male/female relationships and there's a huge problem with this sort of behaviour in universities at the moment. Hopefully he'll mature into something more civilised if he has good role models at home. The second thing seems to be his 'rudeness'. I'd suggest that as the more experienced adult you try and regulate your responses to his behaviour and stop yourself getting wound up and emotional about it. Perhaps, without too much pressure, you might even encourage him to chat about the things that are making him react in the way he is. Listen to what he has to say and try and understand his point of view. Many young adults of this age are seriously anxious about genuine issues like, for example, climate change, they feel angry and powerless and see the attitudes of some of the older generation, politicians etc as dangerously complaisant and stupid. As others have said, he's probably as keen to visit you as you are to have him - he an almost grown-up but too immature to be left home alone."

It can be such a difficult age. My two eldest grandsons are brothers aged 15 and 12. The 15 year old is a joy and (so far) seems to have bypassed any ‘Kevin’ behaviour. The 12 year old is finding his feet, bless him. He is perfectly polite, but monosyllabic. He will respond to anything you ask him politely enough, but engaging in conversation is nigh on impossible. I feel for him. The brothers get on surprisingly well and always have done, but the oldest is tall, handsome and quite popular. The younger boy is a lovely looking lad, but is quite short for his age. He took to saving up birthday and pocket money to buy dumbbells. Obviously feeling a little insecure and self conscious. I do feel for him. I think children and young people live in a time so much more difficult to navigate these days.

One tip, my nephew went through a somewhat difficult stage. Throughout it all I used to call him “my lovely lad”. I would like to think that in a very small way it supported the sterling efforts of his parents to raise him. He is now 25 and you could not meet a more caring, thoughtful and lovely man. Positive reinforcement of any good behaviour and a certain degree of overlooking less positive behaviour works wonders (obviously very poor behaviour should not be tolerated). Good luck

I think it would be nice to try to get him onside. Acknowledge his sentiments and agree with him - that it’s boring, share with him that you were bored for the same things at his age, share anecdotes with him from your past, ask him what he’d like to do and have some suggestions ready that he may like to do. I’ve kept a Wii for just those moments with older grandchildren. Ask his mum what his interests are before the visit and gen up on them so you can talk to him. Give him a responsibility to working alongside you (don’t make it an order) could be cutting a cake to have with a cuppa, making a cup of tea or helping to make sandwiches or a pizza for tea. Ask him first if he can use a knife safely 😉 (and possibly give a small reward as acknowledgment). This will help him feel valued and give him a sense of self-worth.
He’s angry for a reason, even if it’s just down to his hormones being all over the place. Good, positive relationships need to be built with him so he gradually realises that “you’re cool”. It won’t happen overnight and you will need patience. It doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat. Let him know in one sentence that his comments have hurt you and ask if you have deserved being hurt by him, then move onto something positive. Don’t dwell on it.
You’re going to have to spend a little time before their visit planning things that will hopefully engage him and practise saying positive responses to his ‘moody comments.
If your efforts don’t work during this holiday at least you will know that you’ve tried to help him and I bet your bottom dollar he will remember you in a good light. Remember, it will take a lot of courage for him to change face and step down from his moodiness. It’s what you all have come to expect from him, and he knows that. He will sense any animosity felt towards him so see the good in him and be positive from the moment he arrives.
I feel sorry for him if no adult is reaching out to him and helping him during an often tricky transition into adulthood. We are the adults and he is still a child (don’t tell him that) and it is our responsibility to guide them through a miserable time. You need to be a good role model.
You could have a word with his mother about how you intend to be positive etc so that she can be on board. The father does seem at a loss and therefore less willing to deal with his behaviour . If the father sees that being supportive makes a difference he may make more of an effort too.
My apologies for how this is written - I find writing on such a small screen and in a small box difficult.
I hope you let us know how you get on. Good luck.

My GS was 12 just last week. No way does he behave like you describe. Parents should be addressing his behaving towards people. You say you have witnessed this kind of behaviour in him before, has tgere been any mention of ADHD, even a level of autism. With you saying you feel he doesn't listen to females, what makes you feel this, is he exposed to this behaviour by adults? His behaviour is not usual imo.

I don't think it's particularly unusual or abnormal for young people to behave like that for so many reasons. For a start they are experiencing enormous cognitive changes, their hormones are surging and their emotions are all over the place. You seem concerned about two things, firstly, your hint that it's unpleasant sexist behaviour is, to me, the most worrying aspect - I assume he isn't learning that at home. Adolescent boys are influenced by their peer groups and can be quite obnoxious as they start to learn to negotiate the complexities of male/female relationships and there's a huge problem with this sort of behaviour in universities at the moment. Hopefully he'll mature into something more civilised if he has good role models at home. The second thing seems to be his 'rudeness'. I'd suggest that as the more experienced adult you try and regulate your responses to his behaviour and stop yourself getting wound up and emotional about it. Perhaps, without too much pressure, you might even encourage him to chat about the things that are making him react in the way he is. Listen to what he has to say and try and understand his point of view. Many young adults of this age are seriously anxious about genuine issues like, for example, climate change, they feel angry and powerless and see the attitudes of some of the older generation, politicians etc as dangerously complaisant and stupid. As others have said, he's probably as keen to visit you as you are to have him - he an almost grown-up but too immature to be left home alone.

I think the OP has given further information which perhaps explains why this young man is behaving badly. His father is very preoccupied with work and does not appear to be around as much as might be preferable. (There may also be other issues relating to the amount of time the husband is spending away from home, that outsiders are not aware of).

Although it is perhaps understandable that there are issues which are causing this young man to be rude and disruptive, I don't think it should be ignored. I still feel he should be told that nobody will engage in discussion with him if he shouts over everybody and, in effect, calls them stupid. Having warned him, if he continues to be unpleasant, just walk away without responding.

I am glad that the OP hasn't cancelled the visit because perhaps this family needs a bit of downtime away from their own home. I hope it all goes well.

Since when has being rude been normal ? No wonder many young people are so bloody rude these days when their elders continually make excuses for them.

Give him carte blanche to use his mobile or tablet. That should keep him busy.

I'm afraid I would in the first instance get up to leave the room, and in a friendly way ask him to come with you. Once out of the room, simply say to him, my house my rules and in my house that's not acceptable. I'm sure you didn't mean to be rude, so I will excuse you this time, but please don't be rude again.

YAMMY, further to my letter at Christmas to my grandson that shocked the socks off him and he had apologised, I gave him a card with his belated Christmas money saying thanks for the apology it took courage to that. At 22 we get on so we’ll he comes over about every 3rd weekend to cook us Sunday lunch as he he trying to learn to cook.

When our niece was that age, she was rude like that and DH told her she wasn't welcome next time her family visited. As an adult she told that shocked her so much she soon bucked up her ideas!

Sorry singingnutty, I got your name wrong.