Not knowing when to give up.

In my family, it's a couple of real 'oldies' (87 and 92) who've developed the habit of dispensing their amazing wisdom to one and all.

It's a case of 'Well, I wouldn't do that, it's not sensible, a waste of time/money, all wrong, not right!'.

There's the dire personal comments too - 'You've put on weight/dyed your hair, that dress doesn't suit you and how can you walk in those shoes' (ad nauseum).

It's all so negative. I think their own worlds have become so restricted, they're now firmly stuck in the realm of observer and critic. They've lost their reserve and manners along the way. Of course, I never say anything.

biglouis

*there is a lady there who is full of wisdoms which she loves to share and I notice she also dispenses them liberally on local social media. A couple of people have taken her on on Facebook but the company I keep are too polite to challenge her as she has a razor sharp brain and will brush you aside if challenged. Personally, I take a wide berth of her wherever possible*

She sounds a lot like me. She is obviously the kind of person who does not allow herself to be walked over by petty officials and jobsworths - the kinds of individuals who often patronise older people. One day someone may be grateful for her knowledge and ability to research into things.

Hi biglouis. I can honestly say that you really don't come across as the lady I am quoting. She is very egotistical and hogs the conversation never interested in the other person's perspective and it is always her way or no way. Your posts are always very valid, broad and balanced bringing with them wise experience to Gransnet.

there is a lady there who is full of wisdoms which she loves to share and I notice she also dispenses them liberally on local social media. A couple of people have taken her on on Facebook but the company I keep are too polite to challenge her as she has a razor sharp brain and will brush you aside if challenged. Personally, I take a wide berth of her wherever possible

She sounds a lot like me. She is obviously the kind of person who does not allow herself to be walked over by petty officials and jobsworths - the kinds of individuals who often patronise older people. One day someone may be grateful for her knowledge and ability to research into things.

As far as the walking group goes, I'd probably consider deliberately doing a short and easy walk that ends up in a cafe so you can see it as a stroll that the older lady can join in with and you all get a social, but also arrange a separate walk in secret so you all can get good exercise and so she doesn't feel left out.

Singing is so beneficial. It would be a shame for anyone to be excluded and I wouldn't tell a friend they were singing badly. It would be critical and damaging.

Having met people off screen who like to tell others what they can't do, I feel like they are critical people who want to control and minimize others because they are not happy and can not stand to see other people enjoying themselves.

If the quality of a voice is essential to a choir, they regularly re-audition everyone, but many choirs are just about people who love singing, and they do not hold regular re-auditions.

This seems to be the case here, so let the lady sing, for good or ill.

jenpax

Overthemoongran Do you think its the company rather than the walk she enjoys? Maybe you could all arrange to meet for a coffee or a drink after and suggest she joins you then?

Yes, it is the company she wants, we all meet up for coffee at the end of the walk anyway, and she’s always there at the café on her second cup by the time we return. I feel guilty even mentioning it as it is probably the only exercise she gets all week, but it does mean that the rest of us have to start the walk very slowly and one person only gets half a walk.

Maybe it does matter, but I'd let the person in charge say it so as not to hurt a friend.

Have been the choir lady and although not verbally told, got a lot of nudges. The Choir I was going to is supposed to be a carers choir and for fun, but unfortunately the church we held it in decided to up fees a lot ( it was minimal before ) so we had to move, then got a new leader and opened up to general public and the whole thing got more serious. I left and was upset at time, but strong enough to look for another choir which is fun, due to pandemic not found yet. Suppose I want to say in a huge choir does it really matter if your friend goes slightly off key sometimes I n the scheme of things.

They should do what they love and not be governed by someone else's criticism. Generally people who sing are happier because it exercises the vagal nerve. Also people who are creative are happier. If you can't be who you are and do what you want when you are retired then it would be a pretty sad affair.

If I had a friend who was trying to edit me or trying to limit me, they would not stay my friend because that's controlling and toxic behaviour.

Why should they give up if they are still enjoying themselves? Rod Stewart and Cliff Richards (and others) are still going when probably they shouldn’t be?

Going back to my poetry group, there is a lady there who is full of wisdoms which she loves to share and I notice she also dispenses them liberally on local social media. A couple of people have taken her on on Facebook but the company I keep are too polite to challenge her as she has a razor sharp brain and will brush you aside if challenged. Personally, I take a wide berth of her wherever possible.

Our choir has regular 'auditions' to weed out the dead wood - so the situation doesn't arise. Driving, yes, dangerous - and a friend's stubborn old father had his car 'stolen' by a family member, just to put a stop to it.

I think we're more aware of the possibility of having to give things up as we get older. For me - I'm finding the annual clearing of the gutters somewhat terrifying. My balance skills are not what they were!

It's not unfriendly or unloving to speak your mind if your friend is being silly, unhealthy, illegal, or cruel.

Cabbie21 you asked "What is it people are not telling me, even?" at the end of your question.

A few of us have suggested that you come across as judgmental and critical. I think maybe your friends are trying not to hurt your feelings by telling you this and are instead distancing? Your desire to tell people what to do is suggesting they can't make good decisions for themselves and is a bit insulting.

It sounds like your friends are doing what makes them happy. What is the point of life if we do not choose to do what makes us happy?

“Be brave enough to suck at something new.” It takes a confident person to be able to do something new knowing they may “suck” at it. Knowing that others may laugh, mock, and criticize. Though, the upside of trying something new far outweighs the negative— being GREAT at it and even excelling! Have fun and feel free to do what you love.

No, as I stated in my OP. Of course I said nothing,

I have absolutely no doubt my two closest friends think the amount of time and money spent on my special needs dog is nuts. However my money my choice. He has a specialist whom he sees twice a year who would not be hesitant to tell me if she thought our dog had had enough.
The same may apply to your "friend "
Her husband maybe peeved , as you say, but surely you wouldn't involve yourself in marital discord ?

Would you make those comments to my face, Daftbag1?
Now who is being judgmental?

What are people not telling you?

Hmmmm!!, How about that you are judgemental, unkind and meddling. In fact your one redeeming feature is that your thoughts are only shared by however many millions of people on this group and not to their faces. Presumably that means that we need to add two faced to your list of attributes?

I listen as well Norah and the presents they buy me to show me the way. They call their dad Rohan man. He said when asked last year that one of my outfits was "Care home Chic'.

It is the choirmaster or mistress' job to tell a singer as kindly as possible that their voice is no longer suitable.

Please leave well alone, if you want to stay friends with the person in question.

If the friend is actually yourself, then ask the leader of the choir whether he or she agrees with your own feeling that your voice is not up to it any longer. It comes to us all, and by broaching the matter yourself, you will make a difficult discussion easier for both of you.

Likewise the cat; I personally prefer to have a beloved pet put to sleep rather than subject it to treatment that at best will only prolong its life a little longer.

But deciding when the time has come, is as anyone who has ever had a pet knows, a horrible decision to make.

If you are asked directly for your opinion, you might feel able to say gently, "Perhaps the time has come where puss is no longer enjoying life." but it is not your opinion or mine that counts here.

Hiding the car keys is a coward's way out, only of use, if we are talking about a host preventing a guest who has had too much to drink from driving home.

If it is time to tell your spouse or another close relative that they are no longer safe drivers, this has, in my experience, to be said straight out, again as kindly as possible.

The person concerned will be hurt - no doubt about that and if he or she takes no notice there is little you can do, except refuse to get into the car when they are driving.

VioletSky

Let people do the things that bring them joy and be happy for them.

Whether that is singing out of tune at the top of their voice or loving a bundle of fur that they think loves them back rather than seeing them as a food source and an occasional warm pillow.

I jest, I have too many cats and they are all the boss of me.

When it comes to public safety yes, your hand may be forced but you don't have to be the one to tell them, I think you can simply report it

YES. I have cats and a dog. If anyone told me to put one of them down, I would not want anything to do with that person.

I would just report it to the Police too, if I saw someone actually driving dangerously as road safety is a police matter and not my job to reason with someone or try to police them. I wonder if the person in question is not dangerous, but "might become dangerous".

I am also against hiding the car keys unless it's legally your car. If the car is not yours then you can not legally hide the keys because they are not yours to take. You go and speak to the police.

misty12

Are you serious, I have spent loads on my gorgeous African grey because he is worth every penny. He is almost human! How dare you comment on what a person spends on their pet.

Exactly. I have many pets and they bring me daily joy. I would MUCH rather stay home with them than be with a "friend" who's judging me on what I spend and other things too, by the sound of it.

Cabbie21 sorry but you sound really judgmental. It's not your business to criticize what anyone else chooses to do with their time or their money. I can confirm that I would 1000% rather spend my time alone or with my pets than with someone who's judging and criticizing what others do.

Who you sit next to is just so important in a choir!

Nanaturbe I d be mortified if someone told me my art work was lovely if it wasn’t It’s really hard but it would make a mockery of my work I d certainly be hurt if someone said ‘that’s awfu’ but I would know the difference between ‘oh that’s really lovely’ or ‘bet that took a lot of work’ or something like ‘I m not much into art but bet you worked hard on that’ or something noncommittal
I once showed my friend a poem I was very proud of and had had published she was truthful and said ‘I m really not into poetry and don’t really like reading it’ that didn’t hurt too much it’s just not her thing but I would not have liked her to say it was lovely

Some choirs are auditioned and my FiL was very upset to have to leave a choir as his voice was no longer up to it, especially as MiL was still welcome! The choir I sing with isn't auditioned and there are a few singers who are seriously bad and can't read music so struggle to get things right. I sit next to one and it makes things very difficult - I enjoy it so much more if she misses a rehearsal. I often wonder if the audience can tell. I hope they don't think it's me!