Marriage breaking down after residency order

Hi Madmum I didn't want to ignore your post but really don't know what to suggest. Have you contacted social services to see if there's any help that could be provided?

I certainly don't think that you're delusional but you do sound as if you could do with some help with your GD.

Thanks for your Reply social services were happy as long as she was in my care and not my son's or his partner. After 22 years of marriage it now feels as though it's the end. My granddaughter comes first and tnh I'm knackered and am in constant pain and just had my bt results saying very high cholesterol even though my weigh is good as is my BP. It appears I will continue as I am.😐

Madmum1994 You clearly need help. Especially you need help for you and your husband to cope with the unbearable pressures havng residency for your daughter is causing. I would possibly suggest counselling where issues between you and your husband can be talked through with the guidance of someone independent.

As the problem lies around your GD, you may find Family Action can help.
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You could contact your local branch of Relate, or even The Samaritans. They do not just deal with people who are suicidal.

But please seek help, you need it, it is there.

Thanks for your Reply, my gd is my son's daughter. My husband doesn't even leave the house due to his condition. But thank you for your suggestions, I tried to talk to him about how's it unreasonable for him to be in bed till lunchtime, but apparently I'm delusional etc... Sorry to waste everyone's time. And thank you all again just for reading my rant.

You mentioned that your grand daughter is a toddler, how old is she? If she is 2 year old, you may be able to get free childcare for her.

www.gov.uk/help-with-childcare-costs/free-childcare-2-year-olds

Our Church, as an outreach, have a no cost toddler morning play group. Perhaps your Church or one nearby have same?

Maybe counselling for you and your husband might help?

You are NOT wasting everyone's time. Given the disabilities you and your husband have, I am quite shocked that Social Services seems to be giving you so little support.

Can you talk to the school about the situation. I know you are talking of your problems in terms of your difficult relationship with your husband, but that is the result of the combination of the disabilities you both have and the extra pressure caused by having your grand daughter to live with you and often the personal problem can be helped by seeking help for the underlying causes.

When people have disabilitys like Autism, their response to stressful circumstances can be unhelpful to other people. The problem is their disability, not them.

Any of the groups I mentioned can help you resolve, first and for most the pressures your daughters presence places on your relation ship, and also how you and your husband get back on an even keel, given his disability.

My niece is autistic and, in her case, learning disabled. I am aware of the problems she can cause and how often her reactions to things she is unhappy about can lead her to act in away that puts stresses on her parents and makes life more difficult for herself.

Please, please, please, seek outside help. Start with the Samaritans, someone close to me is a Samaritan and I know how much they can do to help people with all kinds of problems that they are struggling to bear.

Very sorry to hear of your problems. You are wonderful caring for your granddaughter. As others have already mentioned please seek some help.

I agree with Monica, an Autistic persons response to stress could well be staying in bed half the day to try to avoid it.
Maybe he is finding the whole thing too stressful to cope with?
Please find some help.

Just trying to look at this from another angle you say your grandaughter is ‘your life’ and you are with her 24/7 even given up sleeping in the same bed as your husband ….perhaps he feels completely sidelined, can you include him or give him some tasks that aren’t washing machine or cat litter related I would imagine he’s staying in bed because he’s depressed by it all
How many clubs does she go to at age 2 ? I ve no idea what EDS is but presumably a disability so you are probably in pain and I m sure very tired
You need more help than your husband can manage you need outside help but would you accept it ? I ve got visions of you perhaps not wanting anyone else to look after your granddaughter even for a few hours and that is understandable as you want to protect and look after her like no other
I hope you don’t see this post as harsh but you need to step outside yourself and look at this from your husbands point of view if you want to solve this He’s basically lost his wife and is probable befuddled by all the changes
Autism dont do changes easily
Although I admire you for what you are doing I can’t help feeling rather sorry for your husband

I too am a foster parents to my grandson, he has autism and health issues, he has been with us for 10 years now, came to us at 3, we made the decision between us to foster him, although I'm down as main carer, he goes everywhere with us but that was our decision made together, I don't know your grandchild age but there is only so much mum or foster mum can do, I don't sign my lad up for anything that puts pressure on us, driving is tiring and so I cut down, we shared the care until recently when my husband had a stroke, the social services will give me help if I need it and ask for it, we often have our shopping delivered, after I drop him at school I take time out for me, I get a coffee and sit for a while,
I need this space, I wonder why there is separation issues? Maybe find out the reason, my husband and myself have had separate bedrooms now for 3 years, it works for us, though I would never have my grandson in my bedroom I would leave the door open and perhaps have a baby monitor in his room, he has a night light, when he was younger,
Really you need more support, perhaps while you are on your own go for a coffee, or walk, if he dosnt want to go with you then go yourself

Madmum1994 What do you think would be the ideal solution to your problem. I am not talking about pie in the sky ideas, but practical ones, if you got all the help you needed?

Perhaps by crystalising your thoughts on what you want could help you focus on what is needed to achieve it.

It sounds as though the family court awarded you a residence order, rather than special guardianship which would have required a care plan and support
You are left responsible for supervising contact
It’s unsatisfactory but sadly no unusual
Do you feel able to ask the social work team for help. Alternatively charities like the nspcc, Bernardo’s may be able to help
I hope you get some support