NOT SURE WHAT TO DO NOW !

Do nothing, other than to perhaps get some counselling for yourself to help cope with this sadness, if you think you need it, or turn to friends, or come here again. But otherwise resist the instinct to make further attempts to re establish contact with your daughter. It won’t help.

Even after such a long time things may change in the future and I think that’s something to hope for. Let that be enough for now, while you can at least continue to watch from a distance.

I do not think there is anything you can do, here as far as getting your daughter to let you into her life again.

I know this is not the answer you want, but quite honestly 15 years have gone by with no contact between you and she has made it painfully clear that she does not want to change this.

I imagine the school-friend who had been told you were dead will take the matter up with your daughter, but I doubt even that will help.

It is possible to have hurt someone badly without having any idea of what we said or did wrong. And if your daughter has never been willing to tell you what you did that she found so dreadful, I doubt she will do so now.

For your own peace of mind, try to accept that something has shattered your and her relationship, and that as yet, she is not willing to try and mend it.

Do not run the risk of being seen as a stalker.

If you have other children, or nieces and nephews you are fond of, concentrate on them. If not, well, you are hardly less lonely now than you have been for the last 15 years.

You do realise that your daughter may have said at some point, "My mother is dead to me" rather than "She died"?

Hurtful, yes, but rather different from what you have been told she said.

I think this is so so sad and I really feel for you I have two friends who genuinely have no idea why they are estranged
A good row is so much easier to handle you know where you are
I can’t give advice because I have no idea how I would or
could handle something like this I do think counselling for yourself and help in your own well being and understanding is a good idea

I too believe misunderstanding or misinterpretation is often the cause and estrangement is a very controlling thing to do

Please accept a virtual hug

You have my sympathy. It must be agonising to know that your daughter and family are so near (can be seen online) but so far (you are completely cut you out of their lives).

But if someone estranges you, whether you know why or not, you must respect their decision. If you find a way of seeing how their life is going on public media, then you should be a silent watcher. Be glad for what you have found, but not under any circumstances make contact, the reason is obvious, you have had to experience a second and more complete rejection.

nanna8 you say Can you not find out whatever you said or did to upset her, it must be something
I totally disagree. I was close to estranged from my youngest sister for most of our adult lives. After our DF died, we had a long heart-to-heart and the cause turned out to have nothing to do with me. It was her misinterpretation of a behaviour by our mother that led her to think I was a favourite child. When I pointed out that our DM behaved the same way to me, but being that much older when it started I understood what was happening, the barriers broke down and for the last 15 years we have been really close.

Estrangement can be caused by one member of a family misinterpreting or misunderstanding perfectly innocent behaviour by another family member. Or, like my experience, siblings with a big age difference seeing events from different perspectives - and I have met that problem several times in other families. Estrangement can be 'no fault', just caused by complete misunderstandings, that are never clarified.

I think you need to take the hint. Just concentrate on you, your life and your mental health. Anything to do with your daughter now is in the past and you must not waste any time or energy trying to resolve it, that moment has passed.

VioletSky

I think you need some counselling to help you move on. Looking at her life online may hurt you more.

If you don't think that counselling to help you understand why the relationship broke down will help given the length of time and the small chance of repairing things, then grief counselling may be a support to you and help you cope

I think this is very sound advice from VioletSky.

Counselling might well help you to unravel events or misunderstandings - whatever - that led to this very upsetting state of affairs.

The reaction of your daughter's old school friend and her mother clearly indicates that your daughter has not, in a fit of pique, told people that you are 'dead to her', but that your are quite literally, dead. I'm sure that must be quite disturbing and therefore you probably need some guidance to re-examine your relationship with your daughter prior to the time she stopped talking to you.

You say you have no idea why this happened. But there is a reason for it - somewhere along the line - because her reaction is very drastic. Talking to someone who doesn't know you and who is not going to judge you might be therapeutic in helping you to come to terms with this very upsetting situation, and even shed some light on it.

But I agree with others, don't try to contact anyone else about this, relatives or friends and, at the moment, it's probably best if you don't attempt to contact her again.

I'm sorry for your plight.

Agree with nanna8

That is very hurtful for you and I am not sure what I would do in your place. If you never contact her in any way ever again then that is the end of it. Full stop. I was wondering if a card saying that you love her would maybe help. I wouldn’t try any physical or verbal contact at this stage. She probably went round saying you were dead to her and people misconstrued it to mean it literally. Can you not find out what ever you said or did to upset her, it must be something. Apologise if need be ?

Maybe it would have been better to have posted this on GN Estrangement forum as there you will find others in similar positions and can best help ?

I think you need some counselling to help you move on. Looking at her life online may hurt you more.

If you don't think that counselling to help you understand why the relationship broke down will help given the length of time and the small chance of repairing things, then grief counselling may be a support to you and help you cope

I would stop trying to contact her in any way and form, her wishes a very clear

Behavior like this can very considered stalking and legal action is a possibility

Do NOT contact third parties PLEASE! Big big mistake

15 years is a long time!!! But ofcourse, it’s never too late. I just feel so sad for you, but no real advice other than to say , keep trying - send her messages and letters and maybe one day she will relent. Good luck …some for you.

She obviously feels very strongly, even if you don’t see what you did. She’s made it very clear she doesn’t want you in her life or in her children’s life so leave her alone.

well it's obvious that she does not want to communicate with you.
do not try to get at her by contacting any other relatives, that could be the final straw and she might take legal action to stop harassment.

I am so sorry for you. I wonder if it’s a lie that’s gone too far? I don’t have any answers but just wanted to reach out. 💐