Glad it's all over

madeleine45

i have moved many times during my life and moved here as a widow about a year ago. One of the things I have found is that even if you are pleased with your move , you dont really feel it is your place until you go away from it and come back. Just a few days away seems to make a difference. As you get back to your place , you notice bits and pieces that you hadnt seen in the everyday life- the door could do with painting or look the snowdrops are out. It is very hard especially if you have been ill, which takes longer than we think to get over mentally. The effort to deal with basics while ill is very draining and depressing, so maybe things will look a little brighter now. It is natural , when you feel bad to look back at previous homes with a little rose tint in the glasses. Can you remember something that used to irritate you about your last place and see if it there is something positive about your new home.? I find everything is made worse by the winter weather and darkness and would not trust myself to make any important decisions until it was about March. My day today was cheered by finding some of my snowdrops are out and the wildness of the wind and the cold and the drizzle didnt seem so bad for a few minutes. It wont solve anything but I would definitely look out for some hyacinths to buy and have their lovely perfume and colour to brighten up the day. Every good wish that you will feel in better spirits soon.

Haven't lookd at this thread before, but your advice seemed vey sensible to me madelaine45 (as is that of other posters of course). I hope you are feeling happier, BigBertha1 and that you will come to a decision which pleases you both in due course.

for those who have had to go through Christmas and New Year unwillingly alone or missing somebody in particular.

I prefer Christmas to just be the two days and then back to some kind of normal. I am not sure you can go back, something quite vital to you may have changed, friends have aged, health problems, shop owners you knew etc.even the local Drs will be different. Good idea to get into Spring and reassess how you feel. We are the only grandparents near two families and I always feel we see less of the family and GC than the other GPs who are far away as they get long holiday visits but it is just life.

I totally love Christmas but this last one was a washout.Hoping for better next year.
looking forward to Spring now and then Summer as we have booked hols. Have started by buying two pots of hyacinths and giving the house a good old clean.

I always feel glad when January gets under way because January feels like new beginnings.

I have often felt that way! It always seems to promise more than it delivers but looking back to when Paw was alive there as always a rationale behind providing a happy time for others. For the girls when they were little, for MIL after she was widowed, for my parents who so rarely came down from Scotland, even our involvement in church activities. But especially for the children.
Now they do it for me and while it may be more blessed to give than to receive, it’s also a heck of a lot easier!

I’d go back life’s too short.

That is exactly how I feel

So sorry to hear that, Gabrielle56.

Christmas is basically sh**t unless you’re a child. I enjoyed a few pre Xmas things with the grandchildren and the day was ok though I was doing all the work. It’s too much work and costs too much, and the actual Christmas Day is so often a disappointment after all the build up. I love it when it’s all over and there are 12 whole months before the next one!!

Gabrielle56 I see you and I hear you. Can I suggest checking out some of the #actuallyautistic community on Twitter? they are an amazing bunch. Sometimes we need support from those who REALLY understand us, when we are feeling a bit more than the after Christmas "dip". I heard someone the other night saying "Look out for the January sales "- you can sail through Christmas and sail through New Year - but January we can sink. Hold on in there - I too am glad to get back to routine.

Many of our friends were ill over the holiday period and plans were altered. We have decided to do Christmas at the end of January now so maybe you and your family can do that. We are even doing secret Santa. Just a little something no more than £15.
Sadly things never stay the same. We moved and spent years visiting friends and having them visit here but now with changing health and far fewer old friends we don't do it often. Our world is getting smaller but its nice to have family nearby. They are not on the doorstep though. It took ages to integrate into each others lives without any intrusion but I think we have cracked it now. We had to work at building a social life outside of the family and whilst its not like having you best friends near its not been a bad substitute. Lets hope 2023 brings you contentment whatever your decisions are.

We have zero contact with my youngest Ds and 3gk living 3miles away! Very limited with my elderDS due to his partner being....I cannot work out what issue she has?!.......and DH both DS live in lakes and other 25miles away! AND they don't speak to each other. honestly it's like dynasty! Nobody acting as I would consider "normally" why do you get gen have so many stupid hang ups?!? Don't they know life is fleeting and none of it matters at the end of life, only regrets. I'm destroyed with how my life has turned out I feel I've messed up everything with my past (autism it turns out) behaviour and I'm regretting at a very very slow leisurely pace. I've even seriously wondered why I thought kids was a good idea at all? I'd have missed out on the 80% of horrible times and not known about the 20% so-so anyway. I certainly would be living a more contented possibly happy old age now instead of the utter grief I live in? Sorry to depress but I've nobody at ALL to talk to about these things

Iam
I too enjoy restoring the house to a calm state, and packing away the Christmas items. I leap out of bed on 27th ready to remove all decorations; putting the last box in the loft is wonderful. A quick hoover and dust, a cup of coffee, and feet up on the sofa in peace and quiet. Bliss. Not that I don't enjoy Christmas - I do, but it is a three day festival for me and then I want it to end.

I prefer the build upto Christmas, parties, trimming up. Then Christmas arrives , avoiding arguments with family. Christmas Day on our own and the rest. Husband drinks too much arguments start again. Ungrateful people who even can’t even say thankyou for presents. Always glad it’s over . I’m sure I’m not the only unlucky ones who haven’t got nice people in their families

my son and his family live in the same city as me, just at opposite sides, i have been asked to move closer, but mainly for my mum as out of the 4 children i am the only widowed/single one that could look after her when the time comes, i will be 60 this year and not in good health, i have doctor and hospital near me but near my son and mum i would need to use buses to get shopping. i could not face moving, i have stayed in this area for 30 years and this house for 20 years, i would not see my son or gc any more than i do already, i have a few friends and some neighbours. nobody knows what the future holds, i was 31 when i became my husbands carer until he died when i was 39, i could not have got through that if had a lived where my son is now. op if your are truly not happy then you should think of moving back, would either you or your dh cope with living alone in the place you are now or would it be easier back with friends and the area that you liked.

I feel for you OP. Sometimes a particular place doesn't make you happy and if you moved somewhere just to be close to one family member then you pin too many hopes on them, and be disappointed, and then they might move away for work etc as well... We're mid-late 60s and have moved a lot as we have renovated several places on the way. We last moved earlier this year (a small 4 story terrace also needing renovation, we must be mad) but its temporary as we plan to find a more suitable place with fewer stairs in a few years time. I have liked most of the places we've lived in over the years, felt comfortable and made friends. However, the couple of places that I didn't like I never settled in and was very happy to leave, even though they were good areas and nice houses. I'd say it's never too late and I'd return to an area if I'd been content there but only after doing my homework and checking that it hadn't changed for the worst. The things I dislike most are competitiveness and snobbery which make it hard to be part of a proper balanced community and sadly the area of London where I once spent many happy years is now like that. In a new place it's important to give an area time, maybe even a year or two and get involved in things so you can meet people before you give up. If your life is focussed on just family then it can be quite hard for them as well as you as they only have a limited amount of free time and can't spend it all with you. I've been on the other end of that, kids, one disabled, plus working etc then expected to find time to invite an elderly relative for long Sunday lunches and take them shopping when they saw it as a social outing and I was desperate to get back to work etc. For example ... 'You need to relax, it's just a quick coffee in John Lewis,' was enough to give me palpitations! Not suggesting you are like that of course! If you've been ill over the holiday period that's miserable and I hope you feel better soon. I go onto local Facebook and local Whatsapp sites, look for 'Meet-ups', 'Walking for Health' and U3A groups etc and meet new people, sometimes only takes a couple of new friends to make life much more fun.

i have moved many times during my life and moved here as a widow about a year ago. One of the things I have found is that even if you are pleased with your move , you dont really feel it is your place until you go away from it and come back. Just a few days away seems to make a difference. As you get back to your place , you notice bits and pieces that you hadnt seen in the everyday life- the door could do with painting or look the snowdrops are out. It is very hard especially if you have been ill, which takes longer than we think to get over mentally. The effort to deal with basics while ill is very draining and depressing, so maybe things will look a little brighter now. It is natural , when you feel bad to look back at previous homes with a little rose tint in the glasses. Can you remember something that used to irritate you about your last place and see if it there is something positive about your new home.? I find everything is made worse by the winter weather and darkness and would not trust myself to make any important decisions until it was about March. My day today was cheered by finding some of my snowdrops are out and the wildness of the wind and the cold and the drizzle didnt seem so bad for a few minutes. It wont solve anything but I would definitely look out for some hyacinths to buy and have their lovely perfume and colour to brighten up the day. Every good wish that you will feel in better spirits soon.

I find it hard to dissemble so avoid conversations about Christmas until after mid January - when people stop asking.

Someone mentioned moving to South Wales? Cheap houses, beautiful scenery but the health care here is bad. I moved from London 10 years ago and was shocked at the lack of services with old fashioned attitudes in the NHS.

Some Welsh councils have low take up of their 55 plus housing, and is not means tested on application.

No need to apologise! You are entitled to feel a bit down! Happens to us all. It’s been suggested you revisit and see if you feel the same and then mention in passing to your daughter what’s going through your mind and you might find she’s horrified that you might move!! They aren’t mind readers and sometimes they make life so difficult for themselves! Good luck……

I love Christmas, especially now I don’t have to host it! My children live about twenty minutes drive away so I only go for the day and it’s wonderful. I contribute with the pudding and stuffings, bread sauce etc. On Boxing Day everybody comes to me for a cold buffet as it’s also my birthday. I did Christmas for forty years and now enjoy it without the hassle. I’ve taken down the few decorations that I put up, just lights and cards but have yet to pack them away. Glad to have the house back to normal and looking forward to spring!

I love spending the Xmas period with my son and his family but after 3 days I have social overload. (I live on my own and am not used to people being around all the time). It is such a wonderful feeling when everyone has gone, the house is back in order and I can just sit on the sofa on my own and catch up on the soaps!

Iam64
This was the third Christmas without DH and it was ok. I cooked lunch but only 5 of us not the 20 plus we used to do.
When you've been a couple for over 50 years as we were, it is strange having to look out for yourself.
I've bought 2 tickets for a show tomorrow night. The first friend I asked can't come but someone else has accepted the extra ticket.

Calendargirl

I think BlueBelle’s sentiments ring very true with many of us.

When asked how Christmas went, we all say “Oh, it was lovely, thank you”, whether that is always the truth is another matter.

I say I'm glad things are back to normal and so many agree but I don't push for details:

its the same every year, people hiding their feelings and that makes it harder, to be honest. there are compromises: " bit of a tougher time this year but (pick out the one positive thing like a film watched or kind word exchanged)...was nice etc. Even those with people around them: a quaker friend said on Sunday wryly, "we always say, well no blood was drawn"..."

What a lovely post Iam.

BigBertha, no I don’t think you’re selfish or greedy. You’re facing big decisions, they’re significant and I hope you manage to reach the best for you.
I don’t want to make anyone feel bad by talking about my loss. It’s life, there are so many posters who have had similar tough experiences leading to the death of their husband/life partner. I’ve had many compassionate posts, like the one from annsixty, who remembers The Firsts.
Wishing everyone the best as we move into this new year x