eldest son difficult to contact or hear back from

I think you have to accept that he has a different idea of a comfortable life to yourself He has as you said always preferred his own company and is happy in his own way which is different to your way.
He doesn’t sound unhappy He has chosen where to sleep and how to live his life (without a TV) but with his pets, he has a long hours demanding job and although apart has a good relationship with his ex and child and in laws

So basically the only problem is you don’t hear as much as
you d like from him, please accept that’s how it is and have no expectation for more He loves you and seems to have carved out the life that is acceptable to him
Be happy for him and accept he is content to know you are there and love him Let him know whenever you like that you think of him often, love him a lot, and are always there for him, then sit back and expect no more and be content that he has all he wants and needs
Lucky you, you are not estranged or have a painful unhappy son please allow yourself to be satisfied with that

Nouvelle had said just what I was thinking. Some people just want to live alone and make contact as and when. Dad for you and I'm sorry for that but just give him his space for now it may change over time.

Oh er I ve changed my name 😂😂😂

I was beginning to think I’d lost a page 😆😆

I was thinking Bigbertha had had a glass of wine (or two) last night 🤣

Agree with what BlueBell has said, I can understand how you feel though.

He’s happy, though, anonymose. You’re a long way away from him, geographically, but are in contact with his ex and her parents. He works very long hours and probably flops down on his sofa when he gets home and is quite happy to have grabbed a fish supper or something on the way home. He wants to keep his (probably quite messy!) wee cottage to himself, because it’s his way of life and doesn’t feel the need to let you see how he lives.
It’s a ‘mum-thing’ and doesn’t matter how old they are, I suppose we need to just know that they’re ok. I eventually realised my middle-aged children made their choices without any input from me. When I tried to ‘help’ one of my daughters I was given short shrift, which led to a very long estrangement which was awful. I learned to back off and just let it be.
As long as they’re happy, that’s all we can want for them, isn’t it?

Do you have his address to write him letters?
The postman would have to deliver the letters presumably?

Even if your son left them unopened, he would have your letters there to open them if he chose to open them.

I think you just have to accept him and his chosen way of life. It is good that you have contact with the rest of the family.

Sometimes there are advantages to not being too close: you don't get caught up in all the ins and outs of their situations that you can’t actually do anything about.

Our DS has a young family and runs his own business he rarely answers his phone he is too occupied. We see his family once a week they don’t live far away. Equally we see our DD who juggles working and parenting we see her once a week she doesn’t live so close but we manage.

I suffered terribly with empty nest syndrome. I admit I still wish I had a wrist strap attached to our DS and DD but they have grown are happy and living their own life.

Your DS is doing exactly what he wants to do you feel at a loss that’s understandable. Your DS is living and sleeping the way he wants because of his busy life it obviously suits him.
Gransnet is here it’s like another ear to listen or advise and help when someone is troubled.

My youngest son and his wife live quite near to me about half hour drive and I am lucky if I see them twice a year.
They both work full time and spend their free time with their two dogs training them and going to dog display shows.
I have come to the conclusion that no news is good news and don't bother them with messages etc they will call when they are ready or as with all ACs if they need something
On the other hand eldest DD and DS1 are here 4/5 times during the week and my DD rings me every day so I am more than happy with that.

Why not just send him a brief email every week, with some trivial news and ended 'love Mum and Dad, or whatever your family say. Do not expect any reply.

AC, like your son, although very self sufficient, with a life that seems to be out of sight out of mind, often are more dependent on continued reminders of other people than they realise.

Do not demand replies or make enquries about him, other than the odd 'I hope you are keeping well when so many have flu' type. Just weekly one liners. It will be a reminder to him, that you always there for him. and will also enable you to know that you have always done all you can to keep in contact.

Sounds like he’s happy with the way his life is. We are all different and one can’t expect others to live the same way as we do . Just because he doesn’t respond to text messages quickly that doesn’t mean that he’s not interested , I very often take couple days to reply to messages and I’m retired ! He’s got a busy life and he’s obviously happy with the life that he lives . So be happy for him and let him reply to you when he’s got chance to , don’t take it to heart just because he takes while to reply , that doesn’t mean he loves you any the less .

hello again, thanks for these very commonsense replies & yes you all make total sense. I want him to be happy so I have to trust he is. The brief email updates sent each week might be a good start actually, instead of the lengthy stories sent off after a month or two - that probably need a bit of digesting & thinking about at his end too. Thanks again, I feel much calmer reading these

That’s good that you’ve come to your conclusion and that now you feel so much calmer , it’s what all us mums want for our children is for them to be happy , as I’m sure your son is . My DD is estranged from me , but even so, I still worry about her , if she’s happy ect ect , I’m forever asking my DS how she is doing in life .

My dad was very self sufficient but I always knew he was there when I needed him and he never interfered. My mother needed constant contact and input and sometimes I felt it was too much when I got home exhausted and had to deal with my own family but I was never short or rude to her. I try to be like my dad and fill my life with my own interests. It is hard but thus far it is working well with my family.

Op
Storm in a tea cup.

Your son is happy, that's all it counts

While I agree with what others have said above, - it's the way he is, just be glad he is happy, etc., nevertheless I do feel he is being a bit thoughtless and it wouldn't hurt him to contact you a little more often.
Best wishes anonymose

Different planets for sure, men and women. And some more than others.

My mother always had to encourage my dad to get in touch with his sisters who lived abroad. My dad always said how good his mother was at writing to all the family all over the world and keep the links going. Now it is my turn- and I am the one who has got all those links going and keeping them open.

I always had to remind my OH to get in touch with his mother, and to go and visit her. and now, I still have to remind him constantly to get in touch with his sister. If I did not, he would probably not do it. Not because he does not care- but he has other things on his mind.

Agree with henetha.

I try to be mindful of something I read somewhere once, -
"It takes so little to lift someone's day" I know it sounds soppy, but it is true.