DH doesn't want to go on holiday anymore

CornflowerBlue My OH had Parkinsons and he did not want to travel (see my post above) - one of the predominant symptoms of his disease was anxiety - serious anxiety. If I am to be honest, his anxiety was a black cloud over a large chunk of our lives before he was officially diagnosed and got worse and worse as his illness slowly progressed.

PD comes in different variants: some have a big tremor problem, some less so. My OH did have tremor but anxiety and constipation were big factors for him, and this is a known PD combination of symptoms.

We (the whole family) took OH on holiday to Switzerland during his last years as it was his favourite place. He was fairly terrified beforehand, but did not want to let his kind DDs down, and there was quite a bit of anxiety whilst we were there, but there were precious moments that he loved and that was good to see.

Now that I could go away my health is getting in the way, and at the moment I content myself with going to lots of concerts. I live in a very very beautiful place and rejoice in the wonder all around me - so often I have been away and thought: this is no better than home! So I count my blessings.

I don't fly, both because I don't like it and because I have concerns for all those millions of gallons of aviation fuel emissions. I love gravel programmes though!

OP, I hope you can find some sort of compromise, but if he doesn't want to travel then he doesn't want to travel and he has the right not to do so. As long as he raises no objections to you going away then I think that is what you must do.

You are right to travel alone while it is still a possibility.

Cornflower, I did wonder about Parkinsons as this happened to a young friend of mine but the fact that it's been going on so long made me think it probably wasn't that.
So sorry your husband had this horrible disease.

My sympathies, chattykathy. I am in the same boat. My DH retired just prior to covid, and we had plans that when I joined him we would enjoy some holidays abroad and at home, more often. I retired 18 months ago, but by then, I suspected he had Parkinson's which has since been diagnosed. After a lot of stress when he said he never wanted to holiday again (and wanted to just, it seems to me, sit at home and do practically nothing), when I was so looking forward to the holidays we'd planned for after the covid shutdown, I realised there was no point in pushing it, as his anxiety was very much a symptom of the Parkinson's, and if I'd continue to nag at him, it would only stress us both further, so I don't mention it now, and he's happier. I had already been going on solo holidays, once a year, as I like hiking and he doesn't, but I very much miss our holidays together. However, I have come to terms with the fact that our holidays together are over, but I will not give up my solo holidays until I have to - once he needs me here most or all of the time, that'll be it for my trips, so I'm doing as many as I can, a week at a time, whilst I can. I'll probably never go abroad again, which is sad, as he is adamant that he wants me to stay in UK, so I'm just making the most of that. I do not drive, so I use the trains a lot, and buses of course, but I also do Leger (or similar) coach trips, which are a reasonable price. You should try that! There's quite a range of places and lengths of trip, also abroad. It's taken me a while to accept the situation. If only we could see into the future and mentally prepare for this!! We can't, so it was sudden, and a shock. However, Parkinson's aside, I know many women whose husbands are just no longer interested in holidays but the wives are. We just have to do our own thing or we'll end up resenting them, I think! Incidentally, we're in our early 60s so we could still have many years left, and I really don't want to spend the rest of those years looking at the four walls, if I can help it! Go on, have an adventure of your own!

I would not keep bringing this topic as it seems to only make the situation worse. I say, travel yourself while you are able. Later in life you will only regret not travelling, especially as ill health may prevent you from doing so. Have you a friend or relation who would join you on your travels? Best of luck.

Hi chatty. I could have written your thoughts! I’ve been toying with the idea of posting on Gransnet about my DH not wanting to go on holiday, but you’ve beaten me to it.
You’re not getting much getting much sympathy here are you.
I just think it’s very sad that having retired from work and with enough savings to travel you find yourself restricted. Frustratingly your DH won’t even discuss it. Such a shame when there’s a big wide world out there.

You say
He's said have a look at where you want to go and I'll let you know if I want to come or not.

Speak to your son about it. Ask if he would like to join you (as you say he's happy to go away with the family). Ask your son if he knows anything about your husband's reticence? Maybe he has ideas of somewhere that might work and can plant a seed. At any rate, see what he thinks.

Then maybe choose a holiday for yourself but one where all the organising is included and it looks straightforward. Don't choose one that's all "bits".

Your husband is feeling vulnerable I think. If you can't find something for both of you this one last time you will have to get used to the idea of holidays alone.
Don't push him. There is more to a happy marriage than holidays.

I m probably ten years older and was a great traveller loved it now I don’t want to go anywhere and it’s not Covid I did travel during Covid when we could , obviously, but it’s like a brick wall has come down and I cant seem to make myself want to go far away from my home

I feel the same and even if I had no mobility issues I am done with flying and the way you get treated at airports. Upto the mid 2010s I travelled to some exciting and unusual places and always independently. But I just would not have the confidence to organize that again. Being in crowded places now just makes me want to run away to somewhere quiet.

Op

I am not sure what you are looking for

You wrote all the answers you need in your posts
1. He is anxious about traveling
2. You do not know why he doesn't tell you the reason why but then you say
"He's always very reticent to talk about anything meaningful, he prefers to ignore stuff with the hope it will all go away."
3. He is lazy

Yet you went on two vacations abroad last year and he is right on feeling bullied by you about this matter.

I feel if you gave him a break about traveling, he could relax, and maybe even choose to initiate something in the future, without continuous pressure from you

Or maybe he is who he is and doesn't want to travel?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maybe it’s because he’s had enough of going away on holidays, after so many years it can get rather repetitive. Even though you’ve ‘ organised everything to go that doesn’t mean that he can sit on his laurels , just travelling to a place can be one big challenge if your hearts not in it .I’ve done lot traveling in my time but now I just like to stay at home and chill , enjoying things like hobbies without any hassle , I can enjoy my home and surroundings, and have lot’s of holiday memories to mull over .
Just because one’s given up on not wanting to go on holidays that doesn’t mean that ones depressed or such like , it’s just about enjoying a new phase in one’s life without the unwanted stress & hassle that goes with traveling.

Maybe he isnt forthcoming simply because he feels worried he'll have to do something he really doesn't want to do/maybe some guilt there so clams up.

I've told DH that I'll never fly again, I hate it, sitting on an aircraft feeling like a sardine waiting for take off my head is screaming 'let me out'. I can't do it anymore. We go all around the UK and to France usually staying in cottages with unique features. This year's is on a hillside with views over a lake complete with a hot tub to take in the view.

If everything is too much trouble, then a holiday is going to be.

My DH is not as enthusiastic as I am with travel, but he does go.
I think the thing that would bother me the most, ChattyKathy, is the fact that your DH refuses to talk about it, and gets defensive when you try.

There must be some underlying reason, and then you can work around that. I think if he could communicate why he doesn't want to go any where., then you could accept it and move on (literally), and plan vacations for yourself.

I have a feeling that we will not have any more holidays away together, but this will be for health reasons, his not mine. If and when DH’s health improves I am going to try to find a new sort of trip we can both enjoy without it being too much work for me.
I have had some breaks on my own, eg based on a hobby or special interest. Maybe this is something you could look out for?

What I was thinking Iam64.

If this is the only issue in the relationship, however sad for OP- then she can accept it and go on holiday on her own or with friends, etc. If it is one issue of many with non sharing, non communicating- then the whole marriage needs re-assessing perhaps.

Go on a holiday yourself and see how it goes. For me, the BIG issue would be if he then tries to make me feel guilty and resent the money, make sarky comments, and refuses to be told about it, etc.

I’m surprised some posters suggest you should simply accept his wishes take precedence. Clamming up and accusing you of bullying - do you feel there’s any truth in the bullying accusation. Does he use silence to avoid discussions he doesn’t want to have?
Is the holiday issue symbolic of other difficulties

I dislike being away from home for more than three nights. Mr C would stay away for three months. Although we’re a lot older than you and your husband I’ve felt like this for about 15 years. Health issues mean it’s not sensible to leave the country now, we compromise on short breaks in the U.K. Mr C is happy, I’m happy. Is there a compromise for you chattycathy in you going away and your husband staying home? Perhaps not a good idea to press your husband for the ‘why’ of his desire not to travel. I don’t know I can explain properly other than I just don’t want to be far from home for long now. We’re all different for sure.

DH loves the sun,I don't. Also flying scares me witless.I have managed it ten times and won't anymore. I'm fine with everything except the plane taking off.As it taxis out to the runway I'm shaking,as the engine revs up I'm having palpatations and as it roars down the runway DH hand is white from me squeezing it so hard and I'm a crying wreck. Any turbulence doesn't bother me or landing.We sat opposite two of the hostesses once and they looked so kind and understanding,bless them.We are possibly going to cruise from Southampton which will be far less frightening and DH can have his sunny holiday while I stay in the shade.

he doesn't want to go.
and you are bullying him by going on about it.
go by yourself/ with someone else, or drop it.
if he feels bullied then that is his experience.
isn't it gaslighting to imply that he doesn't feel bullied when he tells you he does.

Maybe he just doesn't like travelling or maybe he is frightened, my cousin s husband got like this with health issues. He had a course of hypnotherapy and she let him choose where they went until he felt comfortable again.

Why not look at a coach holiday that has the same trips for single travellers and parties on different dates? If you can find one you really like the look of, show him the couples version, and if he’s not interested you could go on a date that’s specifically for single travellers.
If I were you’d I grow resentful if he stopped me doing the things I wanted to during my retirement, so I’d definitely go alone rather than not at all.
I’ve been on holiday with Leger, and I know they do single travellers trips too, they will pick you up from home, so it’s stress free - which may appeal to him too.

Sodapop, he doesn't seem interested in going anywhere, whether by car, train, plane. It might well be the upheaval ( as he sees it) he's quite lazy about most things so everything is too much trouble. He hasn't kept up his friendships over the years even though I've encouraged him to do so. What friends we do see is because I have arranged it.
I've been upset today and asked him outright was it just me he didn't want to holiday with, he denied it. He's said have a look at where you want to go and I'll let you know if I want to come or not. He knows I've been looking online but whenever I've mentioned somewhere he's blanked me so he's not exactly being fair there. It's something I suppose. I'll keep you all posted. Thank you for your support.

Do you think he might be depressed if he doesn't want to talk to you?

chattykathy

He won't consider a weekend away unless it's to visit our son. We had two big holidays abroad last year but these were with family, it's making me think he doesn't want to go away with just me! After 45 years it's not a good thought. I'll have to find a way to get him to talk about it.

You say he is anxious about the travelling part.

How do you two generally get to places. Car?
And who drives?
Does he know of anyone who has had a bad experiece travelling?

fwiw, I am the one in our household who doesnt like travelling much. Didnt realise before this thread that it is so common for one party to want to travel and one not, when in retirement.

The reason partly I dont like traveling is I get travel sick. Quite badly.