Do you remember when the man was the "head of the family"

I've always worked full time apart from five and a half months after having my son and from when I had my daughter until she was 4. Even then I worked as a playgroup assistant for about two years when my children were there. I wouldn't have been comfortable being at home for longer than that as I needed to contribute financially. I also needed to be able to interact with other people. I am glad I was able to work as eventually after various ups and downs, I got a mortgage in my own name. My husband died over six years ago and last year I was finally paid off the mortgage. I was the one who dealt with our finances as although DH was a lovely man he was terrible with money.

Yes and no. My mother kept up the polite fiction that daddy was the head of the family to a certain extent. She did work, but at home, and dovetailed her working day to suit the demand's my father's practice as a G.P. made, as well as the demands two children made.

My maternal grandmother married late for her day and age, as she was 38 when she married. She refused to give up her teaching job, as my grandfather, being a British subject living in Denmark could not get at permanent teaching position, and gave private English lessons. It was as well she stood fast on her principles, as she was widowed three years after marrying, and left to bring up two little girls - my aunt was 2 and my mother 9 months at the time of their father's death.

My paternal grandmother was also a teacher, and gave up her job upon her marriage. She may have taught temporarily during the 1914-18 war when she was living with her parents in Edinburgh, while my grandfather was a liason officer between the British and French troops in France. I doubt that she did, as my aunt was a baby at the time.

Both my grandmothers made sure their daughters had further education or at least, in my mother's case, as she had never done well at school, a solid sectretarial training.

However, as I remember it, Grannie. like my mother, paid lip-service to the man being the head of the house, whilst dealing themselves with the family finances, which would have been a ghastly muddle if they had left them to their husbands and deciding practically everything from where to go on holiday, which school to send the children to, to finally where to live in their retirement,

I imagine that Grandpa like Daddy knew when to voice an opinion or objection and when it was wisest to say, "Very well, my dear, I leave it up to you." This particular answer was far more in evidence than any suggestions that ran counter to their wives' expressed opinions.

My parents never really lost their traditional ideas. I believe they took more pride in the fact that my sister produced two children than that I completed a Ph.D and became a university lecturer.

In the 80's, my husband at the time had suffered a heart attack and was unable to work. I applied for a loan from the bank at which I held an account, and they insisted on having my husband stand as guarantor!
Totally ridiculous, as I was (and remained) the breadwinner. If I had been unable to pay, my husband had only sick pay, and would definitely not have been able to meet the payments. The Bank never even asked about his financial situation (which was just as well).
I went on to buy our home (in my own name), paid for our annual holiday abroad and supported my husband for 15 years, until his demise! I never took any money from him - he would save his sick pay and buy me birthday and Christmas presents, as well as paying for meals when we were on holiday!

This is a really tricky subject for many in our generation, since most of us were raised by parents straight out of the Victorian era.

Some people in our age group have and can still “evolve” as the times shift and change. The rest will always keep thinking it is their sole duty to supply and provide for the family, thereby giving them a feeling of “entitlement” in ruling the roost.

Well, I don’t subscribe to that. I am divorced so I lead my own life. If you are married you’re probably challenged with this philosophy - hopefully not.

Your children and grandkids are light years ahead and living in the current zeitgeist, so I suggest go with the flow.
Cheers!
USA Gundy

My dad was the bully and ruled the roost! He would come home from his shift and run his finger along the mantelpiece looking for dust !!!!
My mum left him and us when I was 14 ! She had gone back to work part time so had her own money but she did piecework at night at home ! She was much happier in her retirement on her own, with her hard earned pensions and lots of friends!!
My dad stayed on his own even after my brother and I moved on!!!

Dickens I had exactly this experience in the early seventies, wanting to buy an item from a local shop. The owner said he would have to phone my husband to see if he would 'allow me' to enter into an HP agreement. I was absolutely seething ( we had almost identical salaries at that time) and I said that I was paying cash, with my OWN cheque book. That left me with hardly anything in the bank, but it was better than being patronised. I do remember those days - and for the record, OH was not impressed with the shopkeeper.

DF could be quiet & gentle or a violent, ill tempered, tight-fisted bully (we always thought it might be connected to the phases of the moon 🤷‍♀️). DH was totally different, fortunately.
However I remember reading a woman’s comment “^ my husband and I split the decision-making equally.
He makes the important decisions such as whether or not we should go to war, which members of the government should be sent to Siberia and whether or not the youth of today should be publicly flogged before being forced to do the national service.
I make the trivial decisions such as what schools the children should attend, whether we should move house, and where we’ll go on our holidays “^

When I was a girl, all the women in my family - mother, grandmothers, aunts - stayed at home and looked after their children, their husband and their home. I can’t remember ever making a conscious decision that my future would be different, but something must have etched itself into my subconscious as I went to university, then to teacher training college, got a job as a teacher, and decided, aged 30, that I’d marry. I never wanted children, and never had any. Divorced in 2017 after a long marriage. We both worked full-time and shared the chores. I carried on working for five years after my then husband retired and started ‘misbehaving’. Have never looked back since my divorce and have made a conscious decision, now aged 64, never to marry again. I do remember my mother waiting on my father hand and foot, and my then husband’s mother staying with us once and thinking it awful that her poor son was ‘made’ to do housework! ‘I was a slave,’ she once told me. I remember thinking, more fool you!

I too left school and went straight to work partially because my parents could not afford university for me and my brother, and partially because I didn't perform well in school (Dyslexia and Dyspraxia didn't exist then) I carried on working after marriage until children came along. Then my (ex)husband made it very clear that the children were my responsibility and he went to work. All 3 children had additional needs and he wouldn't budge one inch about helping me with them, I couldn't work until they were teenagers at which point he became my ex-husband and I officially became the single parent that I had always been in reality. Worked for a bit, then as the oldest went to university I decided to go to university too. Did my degrees (got my diagnosis) and returned to the workforce where I have been since.

Dad worked in an office, also looked after a huge garden. He did all the driving, paid the bills, and cleaned our shoes. Mum did housework, shopping, cooking, knitted our sweaters. They were both busy people, who also helped out with church activities. It was a great set up for our family.

My mother was the head of our household. She refused to go to work. She called the shots. My poor father struggled with a terminal illness as well as from a back injury sustained at work and she still expected him to come home from a day of heavy work and decorate the house. She never stopped moaning about the lack of money and being envious of what my father’s sisters had. It didn’t occur to her that they all had jobs (one a cleaner) and that was why they could afford more. Even when he was totally incapacitated from an industrial lung disease she said she didn’t know he was dying.

My grandparents on my dad’s side my grandad went out to work but my grandma was blind so yes he was the breadwinner but they died over 45yrs in their 80s my dad was the baby of 1-11 kids my other grandparents both worked as they had business to run but they weren’t as old both worked until couldn’t any longer 20yrs age gap between both sets of grandparents so different times

My DH is head of the family if you ask me.
I’m the head of the family if you ask him.
Our family has an invisible unity we are all head.
We all try to contribute what we can. No one makes decisions and if they do, it’s fine. We talk about the important things. It’s a relaxed family and most likely if we had to decide who was head we say that it’s the dog. S
Our daughter thinks we don’t communicate enough but we know how we work best. It just works. My husband is Head and he thinks it’s me. That’s love xx

My parents were very advanced. Both had gone to university on military service grants (1948-1951), both had professional qualifications and both worked full time.

I worked before I was married then stopped to look after my babies then we bought a farm so it was all hands on deck. Then we bought a business and again all hands on deck, then we sold the business and I stayed working there. So for most of my married life I have worked, sometimes with my husband sometimes not. But he is the head of our house, he makes the hard decisions and he takes the responsibility, why, because he likes it that way and I dont have an issue with that.

ClareAB

I don't believe that being the breadwinner equals being the head of the household.
It's a partnership where, if you're lucky to have the choice, one can stay at home and care for the family and the other works to provide the material goods.
There has long been this view that the only 'work' that counts is paid work. Which is a nonsense when you consider the amount of people paid to do the work a parent can't if they are working outside the home. Nurseries to look after the kids, cleaner to clean the house....

Indeed.

Breadwinner is not head of household, families are teams.

I've saved far more than I could've earned by not paying childcare, transportation, food, clothing - for outside work.

I can relate to a lot of what you have said, biglouis. I wanted to go to university when I left school, but my mother took me to one side and basically told me to forget it as 'we couldn't afford it'. I knew this was a lie, as my father had already looked into the financial side of things and said everything would be ok. She just didn't want me 'getting ideas above my station'. Her words.

into the financial arena (from whence I originated). We discussed this and he somehow understood but.... his one stipulation was that he would never take time off his work if the boys were poorly. That was my bag. I went along with that and, happily, it never proved to be a problem. Always makes me smile bemusedly though.

My husband was the kindest and most loving man I ever met. It seemed important to him to be the sole provider. Silly, but there y'go. When the boys were early teenagers I was really keen to get back in the

My husband was like that but then times got tough and the kids started school I worked still do. He feels it’s still wrong for him not to provide especially as he’s nearing retirement. He will continue to work as I’m still working.three years younger. We love each other and support each other.that’s the best thing.

I don't believe that being the breadwinner equals being the head of the household.
It's a partnership where, if you're lucky to have the choice, one can stay at home and care for the family and the other works to provide the material goods.
There has long been this view that the only 'work' that counts is paid work. Which is a nonsense when you consider the amount of people paid to do the work a parent can't if they are working outside the home. Nurseries to look after the kids, cleaner to clean the house....

Sowed not showed*

It is very revealing Joanna that the women perpetuated the culture of Man = breadwinner as much as, if not more than, the men!

I went back to college when my baby was a few months old to finish my diploma and tried to make the college open a crèche. I wasn't the only student/parent so 3 of us went to the council education department.
It was a boardroom with 3 men in suits aghast that we could suggest such a preposterous thing!

I found a childminder and finished my studies but it wasn't long before it became normal for colleges and universities to provide childcare
I like to think we showed the seeds.
That was 1970.

My Nan had 8 children, 2 of whom died, and no husband as he died of TB before my Mum was born. She worked as a cleaner at the pub on the corner in the evenings. She said the Poor Board man knocked on her door to take the children into care and she slammed the door on him.
My mum never worked from the day she got married. Dad gave her some cash on a Friday, as Housekeeping, and spent the rest down the pub. We’re lived in a rented house with no bathroom, despite him having two jobs.
I worked till I was 63. My mum once said I was lucky they let me go to college (I got a full grant), and not made me go to work at 16 and bring some money into the house. This was not said to my brother.