Do you offer help or give it?

If I was OP's friend's husband I'd be more than discombobulated: I'd be livid!

welbeck

i sometimes feel resentful of how much i have to do for a neighbour.
she is v vulnerable, and i feel kind of snookered.
if she was totally alone, it would be different.
but her AC are v hands off, and she would suffer if others did not do what they ought to do.
the social worker said they should do more.
but they are so disengaged as to be less than useless.
she has multiple complex morbidities.
one of her AC is a bit distant in terms of location.
the other one uses her house as a dumping ground, and barks orders, inc telling her to stop eating.
she is both in awe of him, almost infatuated, and scared, dominated.
it would be better for all concerned if he never came.
it is a tricky situation, and causes me stress.

It isn't your place to be looking after your neighbour to the extent that you are caused stress. It is good there is a social worker. They are allowing you to pick up the load and you are letting them. Contact them and tell them to set up a proper care plan for her and not include you in it. Extract yourself. This is too much for one neighbour. Bless you for landing yourself in it...but it is now time, for your own health's sake, to get out of it.

micmc47

Grammygrammy, you're beginning to look like a Troll, who enjoys trying to upset people with your aggressive, rude input. Either change your attitude or go away.

Offity tuck. You do you.

I had an overhelpful 'friend' many years ago.

She took over my life and I found it hard to say No because she was just trying to be helpful.
She didnt clean but she did try to point out what she thought could be in bad taste in my house!!

My ex neighbour (I’ve recently moved away) always put my wheelie bins away only because the sight of them out of place & untidy on the driveway upset him! As soon as they’d been emptied he shot down the path and put them back neatly in their place. Suited me! I think it was the only help he ever gave. Think Mr Fussy or Ove!. When he was away I reciprocated and also watered his umpteen pot plants and picked up the post so possible burglars wouldn’t see it 🤣 but I drew the line at opening & closing the curtains 2x a day for 3 weeks at a time!

I once got lumbered by offering to fill out a DLA form for an elderly neighbour. She took liberties and I soon found myself reluctantly functioning as her virtual PA. If I said I couldnt do something she turned on the tears. She would come around when she knew I was working from home and chat for hours. Then having wasted an afternoon I still had my work to do. She had a grown up son at home but somehow he was "not good" at doing the things she wanted me to do (shopping and social stuff).

I stepped back from the relationship by being gradually less and less available or easy to contact. I told her that the university was no longer allowing staff to work at home and we had to attend the office during normal hours. That cut out the home visits. Fortunately she was not an immediate neighbour so I did not have to pass her house to get home.

Caller ID was available so I used to mostly ignore the calls when I saw her number. I had no compunction about doing this as she had her son (with car) ar home and it was time he made an effort to help her. I was glad when they moved away.

Nowadays I have made an art form of being extremely difficult to reach by people whom I dont wish to reach me. I am also selectively deaf, short sighted and absent minded to such people.

i sometimes feel resentful of how much i have to do for a neighbour.
she is v vulnerable, and i feel kind of snookered.
if she was totally alone, it would be different.
but her AC are v hands off, and she would suffer if others did not do what they ought to do.
the social worker said they should do more.
but they are so disengaged as to be less than useless.
she has multiple complex morbidities.
one of her AC is a bit distant in terms of location.
the other one uses her house as a dumping ground, and barks orders, inc telling her to stop eating.
she is both in awe of him, almost infatuated, and scared, dominated.
it would be better for all concerned if he never came.
it is a tricky situation, and causes me stress.

dragonfly46

Callistemon21

GagaJo

kittylester

I would be horrified if someone came in and cleaned my house top to bottom like my friend's other friend did.

My friend would never be disloyal enough to say what she felt but I imagine she was quite taken aback.

I'd love it. Sick or well. Anyone that feels they want to do this is very welcome.

😂

When I used to pick up DGD from playgroup and take her back to her own house for lunch then to her afternoon class, I used to wash up and tidy the kitchen as I knew they'd all left in a rush in the mornings.

Then I read on Gransnet that this is an absolute No-no in your DC's home.

Where did you read that Callistemon? I frequently wash up at DS’s house!

On Gransnet, dragonfly! It was a while ago, about interfering MILs but don't ask me which thread as there are so many about interfering MILs.

I don't think DIL minded at all.

Callistemon21

GagaJo

kittylester

I would be horrified if someone came in and cleaned my house top to bottom like my friend's other friend did.

My friend would never be disloyal enough to say what she felt but I imagine she was quite taken aback.

I'd love it. Sick or well. Anyone that feels they want to do this is very welcome.

😂

When I used to pick up DGD from playgroup and take her back to her own house for lunch then to her afternoon class, I used to wash up and tidy the kitchen as I knew they'd all left in a rush in the mornings.

Then I read on Gransnet that this is an absolute No-no in your DC's home.

Where did you read that Callistemon? I frequently wash up at DS’s house!

I am usually an offerer after getting my fingers burned too many times.
My mother when alive lived hundreds of miles from me. She was very ill, I had to go and took a teenage DD with me.
The house had certainly slipped from my mother's high standards through her ill health.
We decided to tidy the house and sort it into what it had been like a few years previously, for when she came out of the hospital.
She was not grateful and I vowed to be an offerer from then on only to be condemned by MIL for not being a giver.
I am also wary of being an offerer these days after being drawn into so many things beyond what I had offered.
DH says"Soft touch",is tattooed on my forehead.

annsixty

Another of your very harsh posts Grammygrammy
Not in the spirit of GN.

👏👏👏

GagaJo

kittylester

I would be horrified if someone came in and cleaned my house top to bottom like my friend's other friend did.

My friend would never be disloyal enough to say what she felt but I imagine she was quite taken aback.

I'd love it. Sick or well. Anyone that feels they want to do this is very welcome.

😂

When I used to pick up DGD from playgroup and take her back to her own house for lunch then to her afternoon class, I used to wash up and tidy the kitchen as I knew they'd all left in a rush in the mornings.

Then I read on Gransnet that this is an absolute No-no in your DC's home.

kittylester

I would be horrified if someone came in and cleaned my house top to bottom like my friend's other friend did.

My friend would never be disloyal enough to say what she felt but I imagine she was quite taken aback.

I would be horrified if someone came in and cleaned my house top to bottom like my friend's other friend did

Me too, kittylester!

Perhaps if it was family doing it, it might be different but not a friend.
We're offering help at the moment to friends, he's in hospital and I'm sure she will ask if she needs anything. So far she has just suggested that DH could visit him when he comes home so that he can cheer him up (or, more likely, compare notes).

I usually offer help if I can but I am amazed at the number of people that refuse and want you to give them money or goods which are to be returned or paid back but that so very rarely happens.

You sound just like me’Rileysnana’…I offer help all over to anybody…but no good at asking for help! And also, like you I am a Riley’s Nana…but he’s 15 and 6’1”Lol.

i do offer but i also just go ahead and do something when i know the person is like me and finds it hard to accept help, i don't kill with kindness but on the other hand i find it hard to accept help. i have spent a number of weeks in hospital over the last two years, i was usually fit enough to go after a week, but needed to be on a drip for a few weeks so i ended up helping others in the ward.

I usually offer but did just go and ‘do’ when a friend and neighbour had an accident. Her home needed sorting before she came back from hospital, no family here, so I just ‘did with Mr C’s help and was left really worried in case she objected. I did ask her daughter first, she lives overseas. Our friend was pleased, phew.

After the birth of our second child I was struggling. Mr C collapsed, very unwell. I was at my wits end. Our neighbour often took the laundry from the line and returned it ironed I’ve never been so grateful for anything. There’s a place for offering and one for just giving.

micmc47

Grammygrammy, you're beginning to look like a Troll, who enjoys trying to upset people with your aggressive, rude input. Either change your attitude or go away.

You can always report aggressive posts; we don't get to choose who posts!

My DIL came to my house, put the vac round and tidied the kitchen when I came home after surgery in hospital. Lovely bunch of flowers on the table too.
I would be quite happy for a friend to do the cleaning if I was ill it would be a lovely surprise.
Spending this weekend helping a very good friend move house. Going again tomorrow with DH to help unpack, put curtains etc.
She's a bit of a hoarder so lots to do. 3 other friends helping too as she's on her own.
With neighbours we help if they need it ie take in parcels cut grass for each other, water plants in summer if we're away. We don't visit each other so not too close which suits us both

I am happy to help anyone on the days I have energy to do so. I do daft things like bring in the neighbour's washing if it rains while they are out at work. We always put our bins out along with neighbours as we are mid terraced and have to walk through their garden.
Have done bits of shopping for people when they have had covid.
Like most I am independent and rarely ask for help, but will do if I need it.
I would be offended if a friend came in and thought my house needing cleaning top to bottom.

Grammygrammy, you're beginning to look like a Troll, who enjoys trying to upset people with your aggressive, rude input. Either change your attitude or go away.

I am an offerer. I frequently help my elderly neighbour out. However, I would never clean any bodies house or do anything so intrusive. I left a key with a neighbour once and she washed all my vases and did my ironing. I was horrified.

I am very bad at asking for help.

I was a single parent with two young children and found it hard to keep up with everything especially washing up and ironing. I was offered an evening out and a kind friend offered to babysit. I made sure all the washing up was done, but couldn't do the ironing so hid it (very spread out and flat) under the duvet on my bed. When I came home, all the ironing was done! She had hunted for it, gone into my bedroom.......well, you get the picture. I was speechless.

We live by a couple who really should be getting help in from community support but they are so proud they feel they don't need it. The wife is very frail and the husband has huge mobility problems. They consider they are maintaining their independence by asking neighbours but they do have family who don't seem to appear very often. To be honest I don't have the capacity to be a regular helper as I suffer with clinical depression following the death of my parents. Of course, if it is an emergency we help out straightaway.

My husband and I support two family members who are mentally ill. The one I am primary carer for rarely asks for help so I have to be very proactive, and the other expects my husband to drop everything and run after him if he needs something done. It tries our patience, but also is a reminder of how fortunate we are.