Cheating Hubby

You would not get any thanks for acting on a gut feeling. A definate no from me.

L

Get the proof. My home help inadvertently gave me the proof of my husband’s infidelity whilst I was in hospital having our daughter. I was in for a long time and he had felt abandoned ( poor lad🙄). I was devastated at first but it answered a few questions for me and I made up my mind to get rid. Best decision for all of us thanks to my home help.

if someone is having an affair ,the signs are usually obvious, but to the one being cheated on rarely, hope over reality.

I remember years ago, it was in the July and my Daughter was at University and came home for the Summer I told her that her dad and I hadn’t been getting on and that he admitted he was having an affair. She said she new because she heard him on the phone talking to another woman when I was out. That was the previous December, I asked why she hadn’t told me and she said it would only take time before I found out.

Marjgran

I think those immediately saying no are being too simplistic. If you have strong suspicions and she later learns you had them, she will be very hurt. I think saying to her “is everything alright” or “he is away from you a lot” is being straight. He may not be cheating but he is avoiding her and being hurtful and she may be afraid to recognise it. I worked with couples for decades and relationships are complex but being able to trust your impressions and using them calmly is part of healthy relating

I agree.

Don't get involved. Say nothing. Be there to 'pick the pieces up' for your daughter if she needs it.

Hi Evie ,

NO !
I just wouldn't .
If you are wrong you will be called a trouble maker .

If you are right then you are opening a can of worms .

If your son in law is cheating - your daughter will notice the signs .
Sadly , one day he'll be careless with his phone and then , she'll know for sure .
His behaviour sounds very suspicious .

I once had an uncomfortable moment with my SIL he was telling me about the new girl in his office (they have the same degree and interests) and then suddenly looked acutely uncomfortable and blushed !
I've never seen a grown man blush !
I thought about it a lot and concluded that he'd made a new friend and I'd tell my daughter .
I think that he was scared .
To my knowledge , in all the years that I've known him he's been a loving , faithful and devoted husband to my extremely bad tempered highly abusive daughter .
She'd certainly notice if he were straying because his life is a rigid inflexible timetable and organised to suit her .

I hope that your SIL isn't cheating on your daughter and that they are happy .
Just be there for her as I know you are .

Whatever you’re thinking, she knows. Just be ready when she is…

Stay well away from involvement but be there for your daughter if needed. Nobody knows what goes on in someone else's relationship and for all you know your DD might be fully aware of her DH's supposed actions and be content with the situation and bear in mind you could also be completely wrong in your assumptions.

I think i would have a quiet word with the son in law

I have had experience of this issue. In my case, I inadvertently discovered proof that my daughter's partner had been unfaithful, and in a very risky way. Their two children were very young at the time. He was a good Father. After taking some advice, I decided to wait. I could possibly have been accused of being a liar by him, and my daughter relied on his help. It was torture for me to keep this secret but some time later he left her anyway. I was enormously relieved when he did. I don't think anyone should be too emphatic in what they say. I had strong instincts all along that this man was not truthful, before I discovered proof.
All I can say is, keep vigilant, it's possible you're right. But then you have to weigh up the consequences, which could include both your daughter and her partner denying what you say.

It is a general comment, not applying to this couple

Even relatives may not know of internal agreements between a couple

Just a thought. Many couples now have open marriages, are poly, swinger, etc.

Except the OP says

a strange woman knocked at their door, saying she'd had crash, and would they made if she checked their CCTV. He went with her to her car, to check it. My daughter told me, it didn't seem right, she felt something wasn't right about it

Which doesn't sound much like her daughter's marriage is open to poly, swingers or extra marital relationships.

Just a thought
Many couples now have open marriages, are poly, swinger, etc.

When you KNOW, yes. Zip it until you do.

my ex husband was cheating and I blocked out the evidence. He was also emotionally abusive - and it would have helped me if anyone had commented on this - you lose all sense that you can trust your own judgement. One person did comment and it was like a life line.

I was blissfully unaware of my husband’s affair. Maybe I was too scared to know. The gossip mill was in full gear but I was the last to know. TBH I wish someone would have passed me some hints - perhaps we could have worked things out. But the fact remains , you can’t force someone to love you.
The majority on here have advised you not to say anything, but I am in the other camp.

With proof definitely, my mum told me I didn't believe her ,she was right

I had many suspicions about my husband’s behaviour with a colleague. When I confronted him he went into a rage and took to gaslighting me. In the end the woman phoned the house and asked to speak to him. He had liar’s eyes and I just knew. He admitted it and I started divorce proceedings. Afterwards my sister-in-law told me that my mother, who had died by then confided that she was certain he was having an affair, but she said nothing to me. And would I have believed her before my own suspicions were aroused? Keep quiet, even though it’s really upsetting you.

My OH told me my BFFs husband was having an affair. I decided to say nothing as I was hoping it was just a fling and they would be ok. My BFF found out and met someone else herself. She was going to leave her husband but he broke down crying begging her not to go. They decided to have a new life in the North of England and moved several hundred miles.
It worked out well and are still together today, do everything together now and are very happy.
I acted surprised when she told me he was having an affair as I didn't want her to think I knew and didn't tell her. That seems worse to me.
Sometimes when people think that their marriage is going to end it jolts them into realising how much it really means to them. I'm really glad I didn't interfere, but was supportive to my friend when she did find out.
Say nothing OP until your daughter tells you she's found out he is having an affair. Don't criticise him or you may be alienated if they get back together. xxx

If you have suspicions, you can bet she has too. She may ask you, in which case tell her how you feel. Otherwise stay schtum.

Not at all, mind your own business, you could cause mayhem.

Definitely keep your feeling to yourself until you have proof from more than one source. My daughter's ex was seen in local pubs by friends of mine, and he wasn't alone. However, it was only once he had been seen by a friend of my daughter that the pieces began to fall into place. It turned out that he had been seeing this woman before he married my daughter, and continued seeing her during his marriage to my daughter. I would wait a while. It took us two years. He ruined my daughter's career, and from the beginning his lovely new wife was physically abusive towards his daughter who now has serious issues. My daughter and granddaughter are slowly getting their lives back on track.

At first I thought it could be stress related about the cost of living or too much work. The husband may not be playing away ( it could be a male or female) but it could be that he is trying ways not to spend time at home. It could be that the marriage is over all but in name. Let the pair of them deal with this matter in their own way. Just be there if your daughter needs you but maybe she has a life outside of the marriage too?

Why hasn’t anyone suggested that once you get absolute proof of what he’s up to you tackle HIM about it and that he should come clean and tell your daughter.