Cheating Hubby

Hithere

Why do you call your son in law hubby?

It is very weird and inappropriate

The OP is obviously referring in the title to a cheating “hubby”, not calling her son-in-law “hubby”.

Hithere

Why do you call your son in law hubby
It is very weird and inappropriate

What a strange, overbearing comment. Nothing to do with you what the OP calls her SIL and hardly inappropriate.

that's all very gun ho, but first of all its still"suspicions' and how will it help the daughter if a FiL does this and nothing going on? - or DD - does not see matters in the same way?
could well be the end of a long family relationship and and marriage that has not yet proved to have problems. don't assume the DD would accept her Dad doing that. The O/P could lose her DD.

Why do you call your son in law hubby?

It is very weird and inappropriate

Evie’s, I would say nothing and be there for your daughter should she need you.

I know one should keep out, but if it was me, I'd be tempted to have a quiet word with him, along the lines of "Everything OK between you and Daphne? I thought I sensed some tension, maybe it's just my imagination..." Just firing a warning shot across his bows..... If my husband was still alive and this had happened to our daughter, I know for a fact he would have the son-in-law up against a wall, with a very stern warning involving some seriously graphic images.....

Thank you to ALL your replies. I don't come on here that much but its very helpful to hear how others would deal with a tricky situation.

Have nice Easter

The title of this thread suggests you have already made your mind up about your son-in-law. How have you gathered your information about his habits at home?
If your daughter has told you then she may well have grounds for suspicion, but you would be foolish to mention your 'gut instinct' or even your own observations.
There may be several reasons why he chooses to spend time away from his wife and you could be surprised.
Avoid getting involved and try to maintain impartiality.

A contemporary of mine had a disastrous marriage; her mother hired a private detective to confirm her worst suspicions, but the daughter never forgave her. She was doing everything to rescue her marriage but her mother's action plus her subsequent boastful gossip blew it wide open for all to see and humiliated her.

Say nothing unless you’re 100% certain but ignore advice to keep quiet if you do know.

Ever heard of the saying "shooting the messenger" tickingbird? So far OP has only "a gut instinct" which may turn out to be correct, maybe not. Even if it does turn out that the son in law is a lying, cheating ratbag, would you really want to be the one to take your "evidence" to your daughter and present it to her? Do you think she'd thank you? Why put yourself in the middle of someone else's marital problems? Hard as it is to stand by and watch it all unfold, keep out of it and just be ready to support her IF she needs you. Nobody likes a meddler.

From what you say it does all sound suspicious and I’m sure your daughter would notice that too . So I’d say keep out of it and let them deal with their own problems . So it’s a definite NO from me.

EvieJ

He is always in his office, saying hes play games with friends. He had an office built in his garden, so spends evening in there.
All of sudden, taken up fishing. Takes 2 hours to buy lunch. Always on his phone and to top it all, a strange woman knocked at their door, saying she'd had crash, and would they made if she checked their CCTV. He went with her to her car, to check it. My daughter told me, it didn't seem right, she felt something wasn't right about it. When i bought it up in conversation, my son in law looked VERY uncomfortable, and quickly closed the conversation. My daughter came to stay with my grandson ( 4) When she went home, he was in such bad mood and started a big row over nothing. I believe he's guilty over something and trying to blame her

But like you ALL say, its for me to support my daughter but believe me , its very hard to see and hear whats going on.

It certainly all sounds suspicious and odd, EvieJ, and it also sounds as if your daughter is wondering what's going on when she told you it didn't seem right.

Be ready to pick up the pieces .....

Please don't listen to this. It certainly isn't a difficult one, even IF you have "got your facts 100% right"! Keep out of it. Your job is just to listen and support her IF it turns out that your suspicions are correct.

That’s wrong. Very few people are understanding if someone, especially a close relative or friend, knew a partner was cheating and said nothing. I’d find it very difficult to forgive. Say nothing unless you’re 100% certain but ignore advice to keep quiet if you do know.

NO.

It's a difficult one. Certainly NO, until you have got your facts 100% right.

Please don't listen to this. It certainly isn't a difficult one, even IF you have "got your facts 100% right"! Keep out of it. Your job is just to listen and support her IF it turns out that your suspicions are correct.

It is between your daughter and her husband so don't get involved unless you have definite proof. Of course be there for your daughter if she opens up to you but you need to stay out of guessing what he might or might not be up to. And yes, it does sound suspicious but it's not evidence.

Hope you ALL have lovely Easter with family & friends

Sorry to hear your history

Thank you and i will leave it and say nothing but its very hard

Thank you for all the replies today

My mum told me my ex was cheating on me I was accusing him but had no proof. This was 35 yrs ago and you just couldn’t walk into a solicitors with an accusation. I was convinced he was his behaviour changed dramatically and he became very abusive.

The information my mum gave me was enough to push me on to separate and finally divorce him. I was in a very difficult situation with a man I didn’t know anymore. I had a baby and toddler I had to protect us from the stranger who was my husband and their father.

Your daughter might be blissfully happy and totally unaware of her husbands behaviour best to leave it. If he is acting different I am sure she will eventually latch on to it. Time will tell it always does see how it works out hopefully it’s not what you suspect.

He is always in his office, saying hes play games with friends. He had an office built in his garden, so spends evening in there.
All of sudden, taken up fishing. Takes 2 hours to buy lunch. Always on his phone and to top it all, a strange woman knocked at their door, saying she'd had crash, and would they made if she checked their CCTV. He went with her to her car, to check it. My daughter told me, it didn't seem right, she felt something wasn't right about it. When i bought it up in conversation, my son in law looked VERY uncomfortable, and quickly closed the conversation. My daughter came to stay with my grandson ( 4) When she went home, he was in such bad mood and started a big row over nothing. I believe he's guilty over something and trying to blame her

But like you ALL say, its for me to support my daughter but believe me , its very hard to see and hear whats going on.

Only in one circumstance: if I had absolute proof AND my daughter came crying to me with suspicions of same. Even then, you are in the realms of her saying "why didn't you tell me before" etc etc.

My ex abusive husband didn't cheat on me, but after a series of awful events, first a friend of his and then his own brother said something very small, just enough to confirm his character.

I am eternally grateful as my state was not knowing what to think or do.

EvieJ I look back to my own cheating husband and - with hindsight - all the signs were there but for some reason I didn't let myself see them and believed all his lies. Love is blind and all that ....

It's natural that you would want to protect your daughter. I would keep my eyes open and maybe ask some disingenuous questions such as "Does x work this late all the time?" etc. Maybe just to sow a few seeds, but otherwise say nothing.

Thank you NotSpaghetti

I do wonder if she suspect anything. But like you say, be there to listen and support.

I'm on dating sites, and the amount of married men on there is shocking. I guess thats why i'm more alert than most

I would make lots of mental notes, watching the way he treats people, how he speaks and his body language and then store all the info in a file at the back of your mind. Be there for your daughter irrespective and, should your hunch be right, be there for her to turn to. Silence is the best way forward and I would not mention it to a soul. There may be other hunch triggering reasons, unhappy with job, difficult work colleague, even illness can change people's behaviour.

My gut feelings are due to his unusual behaviour.
I won't go into it but if it was my husband, i would be questioning his movement.

If he was, do you know that your daughter isn't already aware? Maybe they have discussed it?
Do you know how their marriage works?
I would say nothing I think. Interference in our adult children's relationships should normally be avoided I think.

Just be available if things do go wrong.