Cheating Hubby

So you one of them mother in-laws interfering busybodies. One rule you should always have never interfere in anyone else’s business no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Keep your beak out

"hubby" what a strange description in this day and age EvieJ.

Doodledog

I have no idea how I would feel if my mum knew something like that and didn’t tell me, but a friend of mine was aware that her husband was a philandering toad, and didn’t want to believe that anyone else had a clue, because ‘knowing’ would force her hand and she didn’t want to leave. She said it was because of the children but also she had a materially good life with him and didn’t want to go without. Someone did tell her, and it brought things to a head. She left and was desperately unhappy for a long time (before I knew her).

It’s not for us to decide how someone ’should’ feel. I can’t imagine feeling the same, but with two small children, no job and no money of my own, maybe I would have - and maybe she loved him and thought he would change. She didn’t want to be told. I think it’s better to keep out of other people’s business.

Perfect assessment. Plus only we sleep in our own bed, actually know what is happening in our life. It'll sort. Stay far from chaos, close to pick up pieces.

My parents had suspected my first husband was playing around but kept quiet. I suppose they did the right thing and they were there to help pick up the pieces.
But after I found out, a cousin called round to say he had guessed what was going on, then I discovered he had told his parents and sister and they had told my GPs. I felt pretty hurt that I was probably the last to know.

Yes, Doodledog a completely accurate assessment of the situation I was in once. I knew he was cheating, I still foolishly loved him and thought he would change; two small children, no job, no money and simply exchanging one set of problems for worse ones. It bought me precious time with my very little children, then I resumed my career, earned money and self-esteem so when he inevitably left I was in a far better position to cope.
Never interfere or condemn, just be ready with non-judgemental support if required.

I have no idea how I would feel if my mum knew something like that and didn’t tell me, but a friend of mine was aware that her husband was a philandering toad, and didn’t want to believe that anyone else had a clue, because ‘knowing’ would force her hand and she didn’t want to leave. She said it was because of the children but also she had a materially good life with him and didn’t want to go without. Someone did tell her, and it brought things to a head. She left and was desperately unhappy for a long time (before I knew her).

It’s not for us to decide how someone ’should’ feel. I can’t imagine feeling the same, but with two small children, no job and no money of my own, maybe I would have - and maybe she loved him and thought he would change. She didn’t want to be told. I think it’s better to keep out of other people’s business.

Hithere

Why do you call your son in law hubby?

It is very weird and inappropriate

🙄

I was in a similar situation with a close family member many years ago. DH and I said nothing, but when crunch time came, we had a lot of fall-out to deal with along the lines of "Why did no-one say anything". However, once the hurt had eased, the family member agreed that even if we had said anything, they wouldn't have believed us, although they already had their own suspicions. On balance, we did the right thing by remaining silent, and it meant we were there for support when we were proved right. Being silent is a very very hard place to be.

Yes netflixfan I wish "friends" and his mum would have told me about my abusive husband's ways...

...but only if it was absolutely 100% sure.

Esmay - I like your honesty

EvieJ

Question

If you suspect your son in-law is cheating on your daughter, would you tell her ?
I don't have proof but my gut tells me i'm right,

If you suspected your daughter was cheating on your son-in-law, would you tell him or would you have a mother-daughter talk, or stay out of it??

YES. I hate all the people who knew my husband was cheating and didn’t tell me. I would have hated my own mother to be one of them. Talk around the subject to your daughter and try to understand her views on the subject. Then go with your gut about whether she would want to know or not. My mother hid things from me. I never forgave her.

Sounds suspicious to me to. Do not say anything without proof to DD - maybe not even then. Maybe go to the same shop as him (with camera) but even if you find anything keep it to yourself until DD says something to you and she needs evidence. Sometimes these things blow over and they can repair their marriage.

I would definitely say 'NO' and this applies to anyone, not just a daughter. Unless you actually catch the suspect in flagrante delicto (and even then, possibly not...) you cannot possibly know how things are between the couple, and you could do awful harm, in more ways than one. But once your daughter comes to you for support - that's a different matter. My feeling is let your daughter take the lead.

No, I’d keep quiet but take notice from the sidelines.

I’d definitely not get involved.

If it was me ……When I was next with DD and SIL, I’d invent a “friend” who thinks her son in law is cheating on her daughter and she dosent know what to do about it. Watch his face 1st and then see how your daughter responds. You may get the answer that you’re looking for either way. If you are wrong, there’s no harm done.

I tend NOT to think with my gut! Back off!

Don't say anything to your son in law
I had no idea my ex was cheating, and while it would have been hard to hear it from anyone I wish someone had told me. If he is cheating then she is at risk of picking up STIs from random women, marital money is being siphoned off to pay for dates with another woman. There is the risk of an extramarital pregnancy
I think OP would know if the marriage was entered I to polyamorously. And if she doesn't know and consent it can't be polyamory
I do agree that you need to tread carefully OP, and don't mention to your son in law at all.If he is cheating she might be blissfully unaware that he has not got a sudden interest in fishing etc. She may be glad of a bit of time to herself
A big problem if the news comes out of the blue is that she will be wrong footed and may not think clearly, ideally she would need to keep that she knows under her hat, and get legal advice and collect all the information she will need before he starts hiding assets etc
Can I suggest a great website called chump lady, she has written a book called leave a cheater gain a life. But the website gives you a list of red flags for cheating, what not to do if you suspect, what to do instead, worth taking a look.
What seems to be very common is that most times it is not the first time, just the first time they got caught
And most cheaters start showing the same behaviours, almost like there is a handbook they all study.
Worth looking at so maybe you could have a chat if she is feeling down at being neglected

No but I’d keep an eye on the situation.

No! Gut feelings aren't proof and people have been known to be wrong. Either find proof or keep your suspicion to yourself. If you are wrong you could cause major unnecessary heartbreak for your daughter.

Only tell her if you have 100 proof, a photo or a witness who has seen them kissing etc.
In that case, yes. My first husband was a serial cheater and I wish someone had come to me with actual proof rather than my hunches and bad feelings😧. Although he did come home covered in make up once but said some girl had thrown herself at him. I subsequently found out some of his history. He’s been married twice more plus two Thai ladies and countless others.
Looking back I wish Some one had told me the truth. But not my mum with “suspicions and feelings”. Hope it works out.

Absolutely not! You don’t know the full story and if you would be wrong in your assumption in telling your daughter, you not only risk alienating your grandchildren (if there are any) AND your daughter too. (That might be their reaction/response)

You would be feeling very sorry if that happened to you. Just be there if she turns to you but don’t go hacking down her husband to a pulp. You are there to listen!! These situations often times result in a reconciliation.

Whatever you do, do NOT confront son-in-law.
USA Gundy

Of course it may not be possible but could you help by having your GC for a while so that it would free up your daughter?

No, no, no.

No, I wouldn’t tell her (but I’d want to kill him!)
The advice on Gransnet is always to keep quiet, keep your mouth closed.
I followed this advice always, from long before I joined Gransnet. Sometimes now, I wish I hadn’t. It turns out my daughter was being coercively controlled throughout her long eleven years marriage. He poisoned her mind and I can never forgive him. Silence isn’t always golden.