Funeral etiquette

eazybee

Black with a lighter scarf, blouse, jacket? Navy blue, grey or brown? I hate being told not to wear black and or wear bright colours; I just don't feel comfortable even if the funeral is classed as a celebration of a life.

Maybe something in grey and take a bright scarf in your bag which you could put on if everyone is in colours

Thank you Cabbie21,I’ve followed your posts about your husband and it’s kind of you to comment at this difficult time.

What a lovely idea, the exhibition, I mean, Iam64.

After a rather soulless funeral, before which mourners were told to wear bright colours, my husband expressed his wishes. I want none of this wear bright colours and celebrate he said. I want people in black, weeping and mourning my death. He was very fit and everyone, including our GP was shocked by a devastating diagnosis last year. He died 6 months later. We wore black, we wept and mourned his death. The Church was full, we all sang. We went on to celebrate a wonderful life by exhibiting his art work and publications at the venue where we held his wake/reception.
It was hugely significant for his loved ones

I was a student when my dad died and was staying at home with my mother when he died suddenly. I didn't have much clothing with me as most was at the other end of the country so I wore a dress that I knew my dad had liked. It was red, white and navy, not what I'd usually have worn but it seemed appropriate at the time. The last funeral I attended we were all asked to wear something orange, the deceased favourite colour.
Wear something you feel comfortable in and don't worry too much about it.

We are planning a woodland burial for my husband, in the next week or two, just for close family, so I hope I can get everyone on board.
I am going to say, Dress for the weather and think about the ground under your feet. No need to wear black, unless you really want to, nor to buy anything special, unless you want to. I want to ask the teenage grandchildren not to wear ripped jeans. At this point in time I haven’t a clue what I will wear.

Sometimes it's easier if people express their preference for a specific colour to be worn. For my best friend's funeral we wore something with purple. Her favourite colour xx

Kartush

Many years ago we went to the funeral of the mother of a close friend of my sons. The friend in question, a lovely boy had chosen to wear blue jeans and a striped shirt to his mothers funeral, why? Because his mother had bought this outfit for him and had told him she loved how he looked in it. He copped a lot of flack for his choice which annoyed me greatly.
Why does there have to be a stupid dress code at a funeral, wear what you like, respect is in your heart not in the clothes you wear.

Good grief how dare people criticise the son of the deceased?

My sister and I agreed that we didn't want to wear black for our Mum's funeral. My sister said that as daughters of the deceased it was our prerogative to wear what we wanted and we couldn't be in the wrong.
We both wore a nice dress, but didn't announce a code for anyone else.

I attended a funeral in Scotland on a hot day in Summer. It was for a young man and I was rather surprised to see all his work colleagues wearing shiny black suits, ties and black shoes. They looked hot and uncomfortable in this uniform.
It was a very sad day

I live in Ireland and funerals and funeral etiquette is very different. First, you don't get invited- if you have any connection with the deceased or their relatives, you just turn up. There's no particular dress code - in some cases the close relatives wear dark clothes but everyone else dresses how they like. There are usually so many people anyway - no-one notices how anyone dresses. But what the close relatives do notice is who was there and particularly who wasn't! If a friend or neighbour, you are expected to attend the funeral, and/or the wake and your absence will be noticed.

went to a funeral this week and one young lady was wearing black with a splash of orange colour with a flower on her jacket and matching headband. Looked really striking.

My experience is that people still wear dark clothing even when asked not to. I once complied with the request to wear bright colours and looked totally out of place. The next time we were asked to wear red and yellow I simply wore a scarf over a black coat. The widower wore a red mac and one friend wore a yellow jacket but everyone else was dressed as they would for any funeral.

Very few people wear black at funerals here. Just smart casual clothes . Most males in the immediate families wear suits and ties but not all the mourners. I suppose, personally, I wouldn't wear red but that is just me.

My mum was very forthright in her views on wearing black for any events , said they " just looked dreary or utterly miserable " , she said wear something bright or happy for her because she'd like to think of everyone like that, Happy to have known her .❤️

We were asked to wear bright colours at a recent funeral and I took that as a bright scarf. As it happened some didn't know and felt disadvantaged.
Charity shops will be the place to find your bright scarf or hat.

My brother-in-law recently passed and people were requested to wear denim jeans at the COL.

Many years ago we went to the funeral of the mother of a close friend of my sons. The friend in question, a lovely boy had chosen to wear blue jeans and a striped shirt to his mothers funeral, why? Because his mother had bought this outfit for him and had told him she loved how he looked in it. He copped a lot of flack for his choice which annoyed me greatly.
Why does there have to be a stupid dress code at a funeral, wear what you like, respect is in your heart not in the clothes you wear.

Even my extended family can be counted on two hands, and knowing what the majority of them are like, they wouldn't respect my requests for 'no black clothing' (they've always done the complete opposite of whatever I've ever asked, and i know they'd do it on this occasion too, just to get one final thing over on me, or they'd not bother attending at all), so I've taken all choice away from them and I've prepaid for a 'direct cremation' where they won't be able to attend at all, simple.

If my son then wants to meet up with any of the family as some sort of remembrance thing, he can do that when he's ready, even if it takes him a year or more, but it takes the pressure off him not knowing how or whether anyone would attend a service.

I feel that loved ones really aren't ready to tackle the 'event' that is a funeral service only a week or so after their loved one's demise, so I think I've done the best thing all around.

I went to an Uncle's funeral with my Mum. My Mum had spoken with her niece and said she was told bright colours. So I wore a cobalt blue coat and my mum had red. Everyone else was in black. My Mum had got the message wrong, and then refused to attend the wake as she thought 'they' did it on purpose. (Early days of dementia). I dropped my Mum at her home, went and changed and attended the Wake at my Aunt and Uncles house.
All was well in the end.
As others have said wear what you have and if dark colours lighten with a scarf or jacket.

I want everyone head to toe in black at my funeral. No excuses

Family have stipulated no black so surely you can do this for them?

Did the obituary say not to wear black or is the suggestion being passed around through word of mouth? Wear whatever you want. You said you have mostly black so you do have something in another color. It can even be white. How about colorful earrings or necklace? It’s paying your respects that ultimately matters. I’m sorry for your loss ❤️

Surely funeral etiquette must be to respect the family's wishes?If I was asked not to wear black, I wouldn't wear black.

At my son's funeral we asked people to wear whatever they felt comfortable in, as we felt that was what our son would have wanted.
He was very into music and lots of his friends wore music related T-shirts, but some older relations wore black.
(I wore a black and white patterned dress with a brightly coloured cardigan as he loved bright colours)

When my best friend died her request was everyone to wear bright colours as she said she didn’t want to look down from heaven with us all looking glum so we did what her wish was yes some still turned up in black because that’s how we have grown up white for weddings black for funerals. You wear what you want after all no one is going to notice what you wear it’s all about saying goodbye to someone who was loved

When my son-in-law died he had requested fancy dress for his funeral, as it was near Christmas most people wore Christmas jumpers. He was only in his 30s and died from a brain tumour.

I am having a direct cremation without a funeral service, if I have prior knowledge of my death I will hold a wake before I go so I can attend the party.