Endless fretting about "School mums" and party invites.

Dickens

Where did "play dates", "date nights" and "sleepovers" come from?

And the wincingly awful "daddy-daughter date".

I've absolutely no idea why, but these phrases make my toes curl. Thy sound so simpering. But then I'm a curmudgeonly old bat anyway.

I am so with you on this! Horribly twee, isn't it? I also think there is a special corner of hell reserved for the words 'hubby' and 'holibobs' (see also, 'fur babies' and plenty more I can't recall just now!)

As we evolve, we change the way we live and work - and some changes are foisted on us anyway and are beyond our control.

I'm sure many of us remember knocking on friends' doors and asking if they could "come out to play" - disappearing to the local park (or in my case, a nearby spinney); or simply playing in the street until it started to get dark when we would ask a passing adult to tell us what time it was because none of us had watches.

Those days seem like, almost, another world. How many parents would feel comfortable now allowing their children to just roam around; there are no park-keepers to keep an eye on things; playing in the street with so much traffic is a bit of a worry (didn't we used to play ball in the road, moving out the way for the occasional passing car?).

So playtime / party time has to be more structured, more organised - especially if mum is working. The awful thing is though - from my POV - the way commerce has muscled in on the act. Hence all the plastic party-tat... ready-made goody bags, etc, and the catering for kids' parties (McDonald's) which of course busy mothers are going to take advantage of, if they can afford it. Same with hen and stag nights... stretched limos where you can lounge with a (plastic) flute of bubbly in your cheap pink t shirt and funny headgear. Parties - for children and adults - are an industry, and they are cliched and formulaic.

I can well understand time-poor parents opting for these labour-saving options, but at the same time, I think we've lost something in the process... the spontaneous and constructive fun we had, and the excitement of parents planning a small party at home. The last party I remember (70s) - the kids were running around the garden, inventing their own games, whilst some of the mothers (and two fathers) lounged in the doorway and the kitchen with tea / small glass of wine, supervising and chatting until it was time to go home - with each child taking one of the many balloons and being happy with it.

Pure nostalgia of course, because very few parents could do it like that now. They just don't have the time.

Calendargirl

Also, years ago, there was none of this choice where your child went to school. They just attended the local primary, and that was it.

Now, in theory, parents can choose where to send their child, which may involve longer journeys out of the local catchment area, resulting in friends living further afield, not just around the corner, hence the demise of popping out ‘to play’.

A lot of parents cannot get their children into the local school in their area. My daughter can virtually reach out and touch her school from her house but she had to fight tooth and nail to get her daughter in there as it is so over subscribed. The LEA wanted her daughter, aged 7 to go to a school which was 2 bus rides away. As her mother was disabled, she would have had to travel on her own . We were flabbergasted but during our fight we found out that she was far from alone in this matter.

The way kids (ate kids)

The way used to play - free range, come at lunch, come back home for dinner.... is long gone

Also, years ago, there was none of this choice where your child went to school. They just attended the local primary, and that was it.

Now, in theory, parents can choose where to send their child, which may involve longer journeys out of the local catchment area, resulting in friends living further afield, not just around the corner, hence the demise of popping out ‘to play’.

My children used to wander round from house to house with their friends in the 1970s and 1980s. This car driven thing seems to have started sometime in the 1990s as far as I can see. They seem to have bigger houses than we had with longish driveways, maybe that is why because often you can’t actually see your neighbours house. It is changing, though - back to multi storey dwellings with no gardens so maybe the kids will be free again. Don’t hold your breath, though …

These self obsessed parents giving their offspring all this angst.
Just shows you the values they have. No wonder there are so many damaged young people. Totally selfish. They have too much money and time in their hands and no brain.

I think many working parents (if they can afford to) opt for a catered party, at a chosen venue, for a set price per child. This avoids the hard work involved in organizing a DIY party. As many parents are very time poor and have enough to do without planning parties.

Well we’re just old fashioned in this family ….my granddaughter turned 11 four days before Xmas and she was allowed six friends to come to her party…at her dads …a party cake ….jelly….Ice cream….pizza….and any drink that was already in house , so lemonade or milk or juice or water!!! They played silly old fashioned games and had a whale of a time for less than £30. All the kids were told not to spend more than £10 on a present . A few months before my grandson had his 16th …again a few freinds around in garden …… burgers….pizza…and coke. After they went to nearby park with his dad and had a game of football. Not all parents are stupid and invested wholly in their kids. Sometimes healthy neglect if kids is a good thing.

4allweknow

Play dates have probably come into being as children don't always live near one another to go knocking on doors for a friend to play. Hence, play has to be arranged.

We just used to wander off to our friend's house and ask if they were coming out to play.

Play dates have probably come into being as children don't always live near one another to go knocking on doors for a friend to play. Hence, play has to be arranged.

*hired

When l was a child, we Hadleigh traditional parties at home with games and party tea. I think around ten children altogether including siblings. This was normal in the sixties/seventies. With my own children, we hired a room which was popular with local families. We carried on the tradition of party games and tea. This was the early 2000s.

Didn’t have many parties in the 1930s and 40s but remember one when I was fourteen and we played a game which involved kissing a boy. When my father heard about it he was extremely cross and gave me a lecture about the dangers of kissing a boy!

We never had parties when I was growing up. My birthday is on Boxing Day and was in danger of being forgotten altogether in the melee of Christmas.
I did do fairly simple parties for my two girls, tea, games, balloons etc but when my son arrived twenty five years later (second marriage) things had definitely changed. Fortunately our neighbours son was the same age so for a couple of their birthdays we got together and did joint parties where we hired the village hall, an entertainer ( he was really good) and both pitched in with the food. Another time we took our son and a group of school friends to see the Chuckle Brothers at a local theatre. As he got older there were ten pin bowling parties or ice skating or go karting but then inevitably it became uncool to have parties and thank goodness and we were able to ditch them.

My mother kiboshed party invitations for me as she insisted that my sister can too so would drop the two of us at the door and scarper. Consequently, I stopped being invited and I really believed I was disliked until in my thirties my Aunt explained what had happened. Everybody in the class was invited except me and my self esteem suffered enormously. Oh to have had type of parent who was aware and cared enough to understand how soul destroying it is to be excluded.

I think ee Allhallows eto move on from when we were children, or even when our children were small. Times/things change. Some for the good some not. I'm glad my children aren't at this stage anymore. Young parents are under a lot of pressure. No one wants to be 'different' . I sympathise and can understand this.

It's a source of great anguish for many, especially SEN children, who get missed out of all this whirlwind of parties. The competitive nature of the school gates can be horrific. Both children and parents can end up being socially excluded and snubbed by cliques of more 'popular' parents. I've not read the Mumsnet discussion on this topic but I still shudder as I remember those times, and as a 49 year old working parent with a child in Infants I certainly wasn't one of the trendy and popular mums at the gates. It was easier with my first but seemed to have become far more competitive by the time I had my second and I think it's only got worse since then. I feel so sorry for parents now, so much criticism, competition and judgement. I was once elbowed and pushed quite hard by someone who wanted to muscle in on a chat I was having with a 'high status' parent who happened to be my next door neighbour. Guess I was lucky as I did have a couple of good supportive friends who, like me, tried to avoid the frenzy and not succumb to the infighting. For parents who feel isolated or lonely it must be awful. Even worse for the children designated the role of 'unpopular'.

A funny thing happened when my son was a child. He was invited to a classmates birthday party. When we arrived the mum said its not his birthday, he made it up! We were turned away, gift in hand.

Totally agree, far too much value is placed on 'being popular ' and not missing out. I raised my boys to realise that 'life isn't fair'. It's ok to be disappointed, but don't let it ruin your life.

Hithere

So let me understand this

New generations are show offs, one ups and irresponsible/neglectful or too involved with our kids but

In the furniture thread, while some of posters had perfectly working furniture that worked just fine (hand me downs), they went and spent a good amount of money on quality and craftsmanship

Isn't that following up with the Jones trend?
Why did you have do what other people did?
Why invest that amount of money on furniture when I am sure the family had other needs to cover as well?

Now, parents may or not stay in birthday parties because
1. They want to stay
2. They are also friends with the host and hostess - that is the case with my friends and my family, the kids and the parents are friends
3. It is a lot of responsibility for 1 or 2 adults to oversee a crowd of rowdy kids on sugar rush
4. Why do you care if you are not the one staying at the bday party? Live and let live

Indeed. It's just a difference in ways to accomplish an event.

Same as the furniture thread. Attitudes change (though mine have not, I've never bought any new furniture, old will do).

So let me understand this

New generations are show offs, one ups and irresponsible/neglectful or too involved with our kids but

In the furniture thread, while some of posters had perfectly working furniture that worked just fine (hand me downs), they went and spent a good amount of money on quality and craftsmanship

Isn't that following up with the Jones trend?
Why did you have do what other people did?
Why invest that amount of money on furniture when I am sure the family had other needs to cover as well?

Now, parents may or not stay in birthday parties because
1. They want to stay
2. They are also friends with the host and hostess - that is the case with my friends and my family, the kids and the parents are friends
3. It is a lot of responsibility for 1 or 2 adults to oversee a crowd of rowdy kids on sugar rush
4. Why do you care if you are not the one staying at the bday party? Live and let live

sorry, mistype above "...thanked us for inviting him..."

I certainly feel sorry for young parents now.
Children are almost always fine with whatever fun they're offered, but the parental angst and suffering must be unbearable!