Rape

Iam64

Caramee 💖💐

In the mid seventies I was part of a women’s group discussing women and law. There were about fifty of us present when one of the leaders/facilitators asked how many of us had experienced sexual assault. Every woman present raised her hand

My hand goes up to. Thoughts plague my mind still.

Our little local gift shop had some framed "quirky" quotes in the front window. One was "If a lady says no, she means maybe. If she says maybe, she means yes. If she says yes, she's no lady!" I was horrified and went in and complained. Another woman in the shop told me it was a bit of fun and I was being fussy, but the assistant looked uneasy and said she would tell the manager. Next day it had been removed.

In my teens sex without consent happened twice, gboth times I was drunk, first time, I only remember waking up naked with a guy next morning, second, it was easier to give in than fight.
Some friends had the same experience, I learned not to get drunk at parties.
A few times during my marriage but I guess most of us have had that.

In the 90s I met the man who was to become my second husband. The 'first time' he actually did pause and ask...was I sure. He is still a gentleman.

I have, a number of times. And sexually assaulted. I have a huge distrust of men as a result.

How can a young (or old) woman be ‘largely to blame’ if she alleges rape, having changed her mind about consensual sex/? She says no, he continues, it’s rape.
water meadow, would you really say she was largely to blame if she thought she was consenting to vaginal sex and shouted no when she realised she was about to be anally penetrated?
Men and boys really need educating on what consent means. So do girls of course.

Absolutely agree on both counts, Norah. No means no. End of story.

Men can say No as well, and that No should be accepted.

watermeadow

I was a juror in a rape trial thirty years ago. We found the men not guilty on majority verdicts because they and the girl were all drunk. Attitudes have changed so much since then but I still think that if a girl says Yes, Yes, Yes then No at the last moment she is largely to blame.

Oh dear.

No is no - a woman who says No is NOT to blame. End of.

I was a juror in a rape trial thirty years ago. We found the men not guilty on majority verdicts because they and the girl were all drunk. Attitudes have changed so much since then but I still think that if a girl says Yes, Yes, Yes then No at the last moment she is largely to blame.

Caramee 💖💐

In the mid seventies I was part of a women’s group discussing women and law. There were about fifty of us present when one of the leaders/facilitators asked how many of us had experienced sexual assault. Every woman present raised her hand

It is depressingly common isn't it and I reckon all of us have been victims of sexual assaults as it was just so common place

So sorry to hear of all these accounts of this senseless violent act - my heart goes to you, you are so brave foe speaking up

Yes, repeatedly, within marriage. My ex was an emotional abuser who made my life miserable if I said no. (I did not know enough to call it that at the time). I doubt there was any more pleasure in it for him than there was for me; it was purely about control. I am ashamed to say that I gave in because it was easier. I am divorced now, but the misery of it put me off further relationships and left me with a very low opinion of myself which has taken me years to come to terms with. Back then, 70s to 90s there was not the understanding of what constitutes rape within marriage. Thank goodness we are moving forward.

Toe toe, thanks for telling this example of an experience many girls have. I don’t want to catastrophes but I fear this may have got worse because of porn. So many young people view extreme porn, including vaginal or anal sex. It’s their first introduction to sex

60 yrs ago I was 13 I went with a friend in her boyfriends car with another boy , I was told by the driver I was to let him have sex or I would be left to walk home , I didn't argue , I did as i was told ,he wasn't aggressive or forceful physically . My friend was in the back seat with her boyfriend . It was done quietly and quickly and I never told as soul . This is the first time I've ever openly acknowledged it . I've never let it affect me I just accepted it , but did think I was to blame for going in the car with who I thought were nice boys ! I now realise I was naive and so very very young

Safe reporting is lovely but achieves nothing when the prosecution rate is 1 %.

... should you live with it? This is only for you to know.

It's not just rape that lives with people forever. It's other forms of sexual assault and "nearly-rapes" too.

I know nothing of the Coronation Street story but women (and some men too) are "living with it" all over the world.

The situation you found yourself in Violet is particularly horrible for its shaming/blaming and isolating afterwards.

Education and empathy is required here - and safe reporting.

Was it a different time? Should I live with it? - asks Grannie54. Yes it was a different time - I think we have come a distance now and believe that if we can't consent then there is no consent.
Now we need a better way to report and prosecute.
Should you live

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

She described it with much more clarity than I have.

There is something about the casual nature of the assaults that we have experienced that is hard to describe. The only one I have ever heard who was able to describe the mundanity of it was Germaine Greer. I was listening to her being interviewed about rape and I had to pull over as the way she articulated what had happened to me (without knowing me obviously) made me cry. It's something about no violence, no drama, just something that happens every day. She desc

I hate victim shaming but try to choose education over anger

my goodness Allsorts I do hope you haven't taught your children being consenual until the last minute means you cant say NO ! Thats quite shocking even back in the 70's we knew no meant no!

Thank you VioletSky! Very appropriate and informative.