Looking after grandchildren ..............

We have decided - that when discussion of the holiday is raised again (which it will be) then at that point we should then be saying that if you can afford a holiday then we should discuss some payment for childcare going forward in the interim.

Please don’t raise it like this OP. It comes across as petty and spiteful.

With information that you are looking after 10 different grandchildren at various times, and none of their parents are saying, I would look at having this conversation across-the-board with all of your children. Don’t single one family out, and don’t do it before a vacation.

I’d mention it sooner rather than later, and leave out what they are paying for. It sounds very much like your children. Think you love doing this and don’t need the money. You need to kindly tell them otherwise.

I take my granddaughter to school three days a week and collect her on one day, this saves my working daughter money and I'm happy to help. My grandson is in full-time nursery but starts primary school in Sepember when he will only be part-time for some weeks, so I can see that I'll be pretty busy in the short term.
In the holidays she uses holiday clubs which often start later and finish early so I usually help more.
I don't mind doing it, we moved home to be nearer to her as she is single and adopted the two children two years ago. In fact I usually enjoy it and know that it is really only for a relatively short time, until they start secondary school. We all have a close relationship which I do appreciate.
My daughter is changing jobs tomorrow so we'll have to rearrange everything. I think that she is working from home three days a week from now on so my load will be a little lighter in the mornings!

Not quite the same thing, but related to the cost of expensive holidays vs paying their way:
We're helping one of our sons pay for his renovation work and have made it clear to him that this is on the basis that he doesn't take two expensive foreign holidays per year. The essential work on his newish house has been waiting for more than two years and really needs doing a.s.a.p.
He does seem to have grasped that the holiday spending need to stop until the work is paid for. Otherwise I can see my lovely DIL and her children will be living in squalor for some years to come!

I can never understand why people are so reluctant to ask for payment from friends and relations. Whenever one of my nephews gives me an extended lift somewhere I always ask what I owe for petrol.

I have a very transactional mind which is why I am so good at business. When somone asks me to do something for them my response is often "Shall I think about it and give you a price?" and that scares them off. As in the cheeky neighbour who asked to "use" my drive for their extra vehicle. I dont think she had any intention of paying.

Just a note to check that you are claiming your national insurance contributions for looking after your grandchildren even if you are not paid- check out details on the Martin Lewis website if you haven’t.
I noted that you have not yet reached retirement age. You do need to pay contributions until you reach the official state retirement age if your employer contracted you out - I had 41 full years contributions and still had to pay £4000 for the years from 60 when I left work until I was 66 when I reached SRA. You can claim that if you are caring for a grandchild.

I think people need to be honest and not commit to too much childcare from the start. I have a few friends who did that and said they would do, say 1 day a week or two half days but that was it,because they still want to enjoy their free time how they choose and not be tied down to certain days.

I also have friends who just do so much stuff for their grandchildren that they miss out on their own social life but it’s too late for them to speak the truth so they put up with it.

My BIL and his wife got my late MIL to go to their house (2 long bus rides) every day so they could both work. That was from the time their son was 6 months old. She did that until he went to school then they dropped her like a hot potato when she was no longer required.

We have experience of this a couple of times .We were used for regular child carev not a huge amount but 1 ot 2 days a week but now thats was no longer needed and the other grand parents have moved nearby we hardly see the children ! But I think to myself well we did enjoy those times .So I resolved only to do as much child care as we enjoy doing . I think that is the key because it's a thankless task. I think it's reasonable to cut some child care and work a couple of days . If you explain this and they then offer to contribute then that's a win win situation .

I would sit them down and just be honest that you are struggling like most ppl in the country and any help their can give you would help you out otherwise you will have to go out to work and they will have to find somebody else to look after grandkids. I’m sure if they knew you were struggling they wouldn’t want you not to say anything.

exhausting looking after little ones, if Im honest Im coming to a point where I get little pleasure out of it. Ive been looking after my grandson 1 day a week , i need a day to recover! There is a reason why we are grandparents! it is tiring on all levels.I have been a fool in the past putting my family before myself,someone will take if you are giving.

Do what you want to do as otherwise you will feel resentment.
I look after grandchildren because I enjoy it and know soon they will be grown. If I didn’t want to do it I would say no. The other grandmother said no and no one minds her decision.

midgey

Have you read this? Might help.
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/grandparents-childcare-credit/#:~:text=If%20you've%20helped%20look,top%20up%20your%20NI%20record.

Someone on here mentioned this a couple of years ago (you maybe midgey?). I got it for last year as a result and have just sent off the form for the 2022-2023 tax year.

Have you read this? Might help.
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/grandparents-childcare-credit/#:~:text=If%20you've%20helped%20look,top%20up%20your%20NI%20record.

I agree with NotSpaghetti - don’t link any talk of payment to holidays. That won’t set the scene for a calm discussion.

A lot will depend on your age and how you are both healthwise. I noticed a big drop in my level of energy in the last ten years and not everyone is able to keep up the levels of care they once did. I am not sure our children notice this and they think we can go on as we always did. Could you have a conversation about not being able to do as much as you once I did and say you have a few things you would like to do before say 65 or 70 which are plans you have and actually set those weeks i.e. take two weeks off to sort the house/garden so they see you also have a life to live each day. I think your feeling of frustration is telling you something and it will only get worse as times goes by.

i don't see why you should be paying to maintain other people's children.
whosever they are.
that is the parents' responsibility.
however as the old saying puts it, if you make yourself into a doormat, people will step on you.

I don't think it's a good idea to link any sort of payment to the holiday as it sound judgemental.

I'd simply say that you feel you need to work again to pay off your debts and see what follows.

Good luck.

Yes, I think you need to sit and revisit the agreement for childcare with your kids. In honesty, what they are doing with their money management isn't really up to you, unless you really stated that you would help out for free so they could pay debt, and once that debt was paid then the agreement would end.

Did you have an end date in mind when you initially agreed? And with 10 GC total, you could be overwhelmed with caring for them. I hope this conversation goes well, and you can come to an arrangement that works for all of you.

It has been really helpful to see suggestions from you all and one of them has highlighted that perhaps payment should be made. This was talked about before I was made redundant and then never revisited. Definitely an error on our part.
But I'm also grateful for the gentle reminder not to act in haste and after raising the responses you have all given with DH and discussing them. We have decided - that when discussion of the holiday is raised again (which it will be) then at that point we should then be saying that if you can afford a holiday then we should discuss some payment for childcare going forward in the interim.
We do look after other grandchildren too - they range from toddlers to late teens (and there are 10 of them) - but it is the toddlers and school children that we help with throughout the year. Neither sets of AC's pay anything for food etc which is all at our expense so currently there is lots we should be addressing given the present situation.
Perhaps if DHs pension were to finally be paid then asking for childcare payments wouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things. We can afford to live and service the debts but it is a source of annoyance that we can't clear the debts as quickly as we would like and it is me being being impatient with this issue and looking at the options to achieve this.
We are both well aware that ACs and GCs that come into the mix with second marriages can be a source of friction and for this reason we have always maintained that all have equal status in our eyes and while working we have contributed to four weddings - only one more to go but we'll cross that bridge later.
As for the staycations, they happen with other in-laws and they do not come cheap even if they are all in caravans. They do involve expensive day trips out and are rarely the bucket and spade cheap breaks that many would assume.
My thanks again to all who have given us suggestions and options to think about in a cool, calm and collected manner.

Sorry I don’t understand. Are your grandchildren young and do you look after them during the day while their parents work? Perhaps as someone suggested you should explain you are in debt too and can’t work because of looking after the children. Could you perhaps get a part time job and they could get someone else to look after the children while you are working.?

Explain to your AC exactly what position you are in . If you need to go to work in order to pay your debts then that is what you must do ! Take care of yourselves.

Staycations don’t have to cost a lot of money if, as here, you have a caravan. Petrol, yes, but perhaps it’s all self catering and buckets and spades rather than eating out/having takeaways? That’s what self catering was when I was a child and when my son was a child.

Staycations still cost money don't they? Money that you are short of too by the sounds of it. It's good that you are helping with your grandchildren. I helped with ours and when another GC came along I made it clear that my new GC deserved some of my attention too. I couldn't be in two places at once. It wasn't appreciated but my son and Dil had to get used too it.
You and your DH need a break too I suggest you give them dates when you are having a little break you deserve it. Let them sort the children and themselves out for about a week. Listening to my friends I think our loved ones tend to take us for granted.
Maybe consider a little part time job and jiggle it with childcare only on your terms.

Hopefully your husband’s local government pension will be sorted out soon and he will be paid arrears. I know from my own experience that they are very inefficient but having said that my local government pension, although I was in local govt for 13 years at low salaries, has performed much better than the private pension I took out when I left the public sector. Personally, I would do nothing until that pension is in payment. You will then have a much better idea of your financial position pending receipt of state pensions. Remember that if you receive payment for childcare you will need to declare it for tax purposes. That and receipt of the local government pension may not only affect your tax position but possibly your husband’s benefits, hence my advice to wait.

If you’re not in a position to take holidays I understand your feelings. If they have a caravan their staycations probably don’t cost a lot but the holiday abroad is different. I do understand but don’t act in haste. You will be in a better position when your husband gets his LG pension. Be patient for a while, don’t jeopardise precious relationships by acting in haste.

You need to have an honest conversation about this. Tell them you want to work to clear your debts. The ball is then in their court and they may offer to pay you for childcare or pay someone else.

How about asking for payment? Enough to help with your debts, they would still be getting a bargain and you would still see your grandchildren. Unless of course you have had enough! To be honest I think they might be mortified to find you are struggling to sort your life out while they swan off.