Why do people lie?

Ive been interested in some of the expose programs of criminals who were "caught in a lie". What comes out is that when questioned liars (who are guilty of a serious offence) will have rehersed their "story" so its often filled with elaborate detail. Think of Ian Huntley, the Soham girls murderer. He not only told elaborate lies to the police and the media but deliberately put himself out there, being "helpful" and thus drawing attention to himself.

Truth tellers usually deliver a much more basic version of their activities. They have no need to work up a story because they know they are telling the truth. And they expect to be believed. When quizzed on the details truth tellers often have to think carefully. Whereas liars will be able to easily reel off exactly what they had for dinner that night, what TV programs they watched, and so on.

A really clever criminal who wanted to conceal their activities would neither hide from investigation or deliberately put themselves in the spotlight. They would behave like others in the community. And when asked to give an account of their movements on that night produce a much more general account with some hesitation.

Its also possible that some liars, in the process of making up and rehersing their stories, will actually have come to believe in their own fantasy. Especially if they are recalling events from long ago or their childhood. What actually happened becomes mixed up with how they felt at the time.

The trouble with lying is that one lie inevitably leads to another and another and another until the liar forgets who knows what - easier just to not lie.

I don't understand it either. Then the people who lie so much they believe their own lies or version of lies to be truth. They are the dangerous ones

I can't lie I just do not have it in me and consider it pointless. I am not nasty though (like one of those 'say it like it is' people)

I have a friend who grew up in the same modest circumstances as many of our generation.
Suddenly her H got a fantastic opportunity and they became very well off.
She never reinvented herself , still talking about both of their humble beginnings but grossly exaggerating their current lifestyle.
I bought a new dress which I knew was a new line, when I wore it she said , oh I bought that last year, I sent it to a charity shop.
She told me they had been to look at an apartment in a large mansion conversion but it wasn’t too their taste or standard but those particular happenings never took place as planning permission was not granted.
Such an easy thing to prove although I still didn’t say anything.
The latest was that they had visited a certain expensive holiday island several times when I know they haven’t been at all.
I cannot explain why she does this because she certainly doesn’t need to.

We all tell little white lies mainly not to upset people !

I think that I've lost count being asked if I think that someone is fat and I've replied that she isn't !

I hate being taken for a fool - when it's a blatant untruth :

Years ago , a friend was having a Sixties party to celebrate her sixtieth birthday and invited me .

I bought her a present and then , began to get my outfit including a curly wig .

I didn't hear anymore about the party and asked her when was it going to be .

She said that it was cancelled .

Photos of the party were on her whats app .

Normally , I wouldn't have said anything , but I asked her .
And listened to a list of pathetic excuses .

That's the second time that she's invited me to something and it's the last .

When Friends Reunited first came on the scene, I joined and saw someone who had been in my class at school and we had gone through 6 years of education together and were friends for several years both in and out of school. She had totally lied about her so-called academic achievements.

When I wrote to her, she didn't reply and suddenly deleted her profile, perhaps suddenly realising how many people would notice she had lied.

My ex was a liar,he would make excuses and invent reasons why he couldnt do such and such,and I would know them to be lies and call him Out on it.
Biggest lie came when his " girlfriend" messaged me and said he was her partner,and sent me photos of them together ,and he flat out denied it was him and he didnt know her.
That was the day he became my ex.

I have known a few people over the years who have been pathological liars. They don’t all fall into the category of why though.

One, an ex boyfriend, lied non stop in order to cover up who he really was to the extent I don’t think he, himself, knew who he really was as he was all things to all people and was desperate to be liked. He was a chameleon and adjusted his persona to whoever he was with.

One short lived friendship was with a woman that just lied all the time in order to be top dog. I just couldn’t relate to such a person and had to end the ‘friendship’.

I know a man (happily married and very wealthy) that lies and exaggerates everything. Nice man but if something costs 1 million he’ll say 50 million. It’s really over the top exaggeration and I’ve often wondered if his wife gets embarrassed; I know I would.

Some people just lie for no reason, others to get out of trouble, others to impress. There’s a myriad of reasons but I hate it.

The problem is that people tend to avoid liars once they find out and that probably makes them lie even more to impress their few friends. I find liars very hard to like and the trouble is, once found out, you tend to think they lie about everything which may well be unfair.

Shinamae

My dad used to say you can lock up at thief but you can’t lock up a liar..🤓
(Just as well for Conservative politicians )

Eamonn Holmes said this week “My Father used to say you can watch a thief but you cannot watch a liar”. That was concerning Philip Schofield.

I've noticed, Eddie and Fanny that a couple of people have assumed they "look stupid" (or similar) when someone else has lied to them. Debbi58 for example said her pet hate is "being taken for a fool."
Eddie, you clarified that that their behaviour implied you were "so thick we wouldn't realise" they were lying.

When people lie to me I don't actually think it reflects on me. Mostly I feel it's the other person's inadequacy. Shop assistants and "customer services" seem to do it a lot. They are clearly wanting to please and if they can't answer the question or provide what you want they often "approximate" or make something up. For example I'm looking for a linen dress but they show you a polyester one instead of admitting they don't have any (or don't know which are linen).

The "work lies" are the ones I find deeply frustrating. The ones where someone takes the credit for someone else's work - and passes off their failings as someone else's.

There was an interesting section of Woman's Hour this week on the subject of lying. Sadly I couldn't give it my full attention, but there was a good theory that it is learned behaviour when we're encouraged as children to be people-pleasers. I'll have to see if I can find it on BBCSounds to listen more attentively.

NotSpaghetti

^I felt they had taken us for a couple of total idiots^

Why did you think that Eddie?

Yes, I think that it’s a strange reaction.

I’d be concerned for them - I’d be wondering about why they have to move house again.

I think we can remove "white lies" from the equation, as we all understand that these are simply a mechanism with which we oil the wheels of social interaction, often to avoid causing hurt. As for those who often lie about virtually anything, we tend to refer to them as pathological liars. Such people lie for a variety of reasons. Self-protection, self-aggrandizement, financial or social gain, or sometimes even in attempt to obscure bad behaviour. Even though we quite often recognise that this is happening, we perhaps still pity the self-deluding behaviour. At the top end of the scale are those who routinely and knowingly lie, usually for personal gain, and often at the expense of others. We are rightly much less forgiving about them. Such people often lie their way into positions of power, (no names, no pack-drill), and continue to do so in order to promote their survival. This group can be described as sociopathic, or as having an antisocial personality disorder. This type of behaviour can even bring them into conflict with the law. So why do people lie? For many reasons, and at many levels. I suspect that we all know or at least have knowledge of people in every category.

NotSpaghetti

^I felt they had taken us for a couple of total idiots^

Why did you think that Eddie?

Because their behaviour implied we were so thick we wouldn't realise we had been lied to.
The whole situation was bizarre. We had barely spoken to them before but they were most insistent we went for coffee - and then sat and told us a load of rubbish

We all lie at times perhaps. Someone says ' How are you?' and regardless we say ' Im fine, Thanks' even when we are not!

A very interesting post. The people I have known who tell whoppers were usually out to impress because they felt inadequate. I do know someone in their 60s who has put on their profile that they have been to such and such a university whereas in reality they did a basic one tech year course 50 years ago at was then a poly but is now a uni. All their lives they boasted about what they were going to do but have never done it. Unfortunately, you do get situations as I am in at the moment of trying to get rid of someone who is trying to 'fix' me because they are so bossy and want me to meet them same time, same place, every month for afternoon tea. I am having to stretch the truth by saying my friend is down from Wales so I can't make it etc but said friend is only down for a weekend which doesn't clash but it is good enough for me not to offend Mrs Bossy who actually does a huge amount of work for charity and organises a lot for people in need. How could I say to her 'Sorry, don't want to hang out with you. You are too controlling'. So, it has to be done softly. I think one needs to ask what sort of lie and why is it generated?

Sometimes people tell what are often called "white lies" to oil the wheels of social intereaction. They do it to shield others from hurt feelings or disillusion. Often the lie is by "omission" rather than a blatent untruth.

I watched an interesting program where a vicar was holding a parish meeting and had asked one of the participants to report back on a matter. The report was incomplete and not very informative. However rather than admit this the priest thanked the participant for his contribution and just praised the effort he had put into it. When she was later interviewed she said she had glossed over the inadequacies because she did not want to humiliate her parisioner in front of an audience. As a priest she felt it was important to be truthful but had to balance this against deeply upsetting people who had volunteered their time to sit on the committee.

I think this covers the kinds of situations where we see a good friend wearing an unflattering outfit and we feel obliged to say something nice about it when they ask our opinion.

Hmmm, unwise to lie to ones son - as when he might be really needed...

My very good friend likes to exaggerate (I’m reluctant to say ‘lie’), mainly about her ailments, she’s perhaps a hypochondriac. But, on one occasion, she was visiting me and her son rang, asking how she was doing. She blatantly replied that she was feeling quite ill and was in bed. She had forgotten that the speaker was on. I have to add, she isn’t in the best of health anyway but …..

In the case in the O/P, my immdediate reaction was that she was trying to please, ie what a nice place you both lived in etc. If she does it a lot it could be the same or trying to impress.

Me too Shinamae. Unfortunately it took me a very long time to find out. However it was part fantasy, always aggrandising or hiding something detrimental to himself, not being able to bear a reality.

Ie at the time of the fantasy, he sometimes actually believed it or thought it fine to tell half the truth. It took me a long time to realise it was actually bad enough to be a clinical PD

But I think aspects of it are quite common to a lesser degree: I certainly don't reveal too quickly things I am ashamed of. However, I know I'm doing it!

Not just conservative politicians, Shinamae though I have to say there’s a fair few of them who wouldn’t recognise the truth if it slapped them in the face.

I felt they had taken us for a couple of total idiots

Why did you think that Eddie?

My dad used to say you can lock up at thief but you can’t lock up a liar..🤓
(Just as well for Conservative politicians )

Years ago I worked with a girl who lied about everything. She used to say she had her bag stolen, she had been raped, she had been followed home etc. They were always quite serious lies so initially people sympathised but as time went on and she wouldn’t involve the Police, we realised she did it for attention.