Should I say something?

Good point re it might not be first incident. However a lot depends on DiL.

If there is violent abuse then there is almost certainly a good deal of emotional and manipulative abuse.
Tackling it head on with the abuser your own son if he is very manipulative and DiL currently backing him up or hiding it from everyone including even herself.

However I now do agree to raise it like Shelflife suggested is probably the best way forward. And see how it goes.

I am not saying ignore it.

I an asking a question to the OP

My own daughter went though this last summer, you could cut the atmosphere in the home with a knife and my GC were suffering from the shouting and silence and shear atmosphere. I approached my SIL and asked him to sort it out then he did by apparently wanting to leave home. After a traumatic couple of weeks and much talking, it was all resolved and they committed to be nicer to each other. The home is happy once again. The thing is that there were underlying issues that never got addressed, mainly due to sleepless children. In one way it was a good thing as they are like love struck kids again and the children are relaxed. At first I thought I’d caused the break but now am glad I spoke up as it forced them to face up to their problems.

This depends on two things.

One, how old are your grandsons?

Two, did they cheer up at your reasonable explanation?

If they are small children, or were unable to feel happier after your explanation, then I would have said something along the lines of, "Son, I may be shoving my oar in where it isn't wanted, but the wee lads were badly upset. They actually told me you and their mother had been shouting and yelling and that you had pushed her into a pond. I think you need to reassure them."

I would not call pushing someone into a pond phsysical abuse, unless the pond was deep enough for her to have drowned in - it could have been sheer exasperation or erotic foreplay, but should not have been witnessed by (young?) children.

So yes, speak to your son, at the risk of offending him for your grandsons' sake if not for your DIL's or his.

I would speak to the daughter-in-law, your son may dismiss it as nothing and then tell the children not to tell you things.

I would certainly say something without being accusatory to either party. Maybe ask if they need a some support or time on their own to talk whilst the children stay with you. Don't make too big an issue of it at this stage as grandtante said it may just have been a moment of exasperation.

my sons, I would speak to them, but be careful how I word things. I have always told my two, grown up, sons, never, never ever is violence, in any form acceptable.. particularly with family, well with anyone.

100% you should say something g before it escalates and the children mention it to teachers etc

Many years ago , when my daughters were about 11 and 15, and my (then) husband was drinking more and more heavily, he came back from the pub and started an argument. I was standing in the kitchen doorway and can't really remember what exactly happened but I ended up lying on the floor. I think he probably made some threatening gesture and I reacted and lost my balance. I wasn't hurt, but for the first and only time, I felt that we couldn't stay in the house with him and ended up with the three of us staying in a neighbours house overnight. Nothing like that ever happened again, probably because I made it very plain it would not be tolerated. I must have talked it through with the girls, but can't really remember the details now.

We divorced a few years later, and he moved a long way away.

Many years even later, when younger daughter was in her 30s, some conversation caused her to comment that her father had been violent' to me. Verbally yes, - often - but physically, only the once.
I'm telling you this because obviously the incident had a far greater impact than I had realised. Whether the fact that she now has mental health problems is in any way related to what she saw as a child, I do not know.
I do now know that maybe I should have talked far more about the incident with the girls, or even sought professional advice. But as it was a 'one off' I didn't.

So please, - you must at the very least talk to your son . But I really think that the whole incident needs to be discussed with the whole family and explained. If they can't do that then maybe you should seek help elsewhere.

No !! All kind of things might be going on and talking with your son could make things worse ! Keep a very close eye on your grandsons and keep out unless you feel they or your DiL are in danger. Sadly sometimes children are known to exaggerate or make things up for attention or even just for fun.

Erotic fore play - pushing your wife into a pond 🥲. Not in any loving relationship I’ve seen or experienced

I agree with eazybee that you should talk to both parents. Explain the grandkids came to you out of anxiety or fear of what they heard and saw.

Arguing on occasion in front of kids does happen (unfortunately) but when there is a physical altercation, that crosses a line.

Your grandchildren are upset and that needs to be addressed.

But for all you know his parents might have had a huge row and the wife fell into the pond. It's obvious that they are having a very rocky time but I guess what I'm saying is precede with a lot of caution . You didn't see the event that was mentioned or indeed the way the couple resolve ( or don't) their differences generally.

And how old are the boys. If very young they may see things differently to a 15 year old for example. Some couples have huge rows and then get over it! But ,yes, it may be abusive.

I would definitely have a quiet word with both of the parents, individually if possible, and give them space to speak in an atmosphere of non judgement, but definitely let your son know that his children found the incident distressing. Blaming and pointing fingers, especially without the full information, never works and can alienate.
Could you suggest counselling (for anger management) to the couple?

You should definitely speak out. This is an awful situation for the grandchildren who have had the courage to speak to you about their unhappiness. You owe it to them.

Grandtante, pushing someone into a pond Is Abuse!!! Highly unlikely to be erotic foreplay!!!! You appear to be making light of this situation.
As I mentioned in my earlier post, I think the best way to deal with this is to speak to the son and emphasize how upset his children are, without asking probing questions about his relationship.
In that situation I would feel driven to protect my GSs. and while I never interfere in my AC s relationships I would most definitely make this issue an exception!!!

Please say something to your son asap. Don't let time pass so it becomes more tricky than it already is. Good suggestions above for a neutral way to go about it.

Cossy you may well be right about all sorts of explanations but nevertheless children should always be believed when they share this kind of confidence.

Theexwife

I would speak to the daughter-in-law, your son may dismiss it as nothing and then tell the children not to tell you things.

My feeling too, Theexwife...., having experienced domestic violence as a child myself... I wanted someone to help me and my mum to stop the abuse....

.....and keep me and my mum safe......

Redhead56

Your grandchild reached out to you you cannot dismiss this. I think
it needs addressing asap it can't be ignored.
Arguments are often apart of lives but physical violence is something else. I have experienced this myself please talk to your family. They need to see that their behaviour is witnessed and could be damaging to their child.

I am in agreement ..

I would sit down and write down what you are going to say to your son, and how you are going to approach this issue.

If you do not live far, I would invite your son for lunch and discuss this face to face in a civilised matter (NOT on mobile or telephone).

There are 2 sides to every story and his needs to be heard, but so does his wife´s on a separate meeting. And then the children, also separate.

Iam64

Erotic fore play - pushing your wife into a pond 🥲. Not in any loving relationship I’ve seen or experienced

Indeed? Pushing people into ponds or swimming pools is you knew they could swim was quite common as a form of "larking" when I was young in the 1970's.

And at that time no woman I know would have hestitated to ask her son what was going on if her grandsons had related that the parents were fighting and going to split up.

How on earth did we, who were young in the seventies end up so afraid to ask a simple question? We said exactly what we meant then, when did we stop?

Very difficult for you but I would definitely speak to your son and also to your dil at the same time if possible and mention how upset the boys were because of all the shouting and the fear of splitting up. I wouldn't mention the pond incident and I wouldn't say which of the GS's had given you the info. Maybe try saying they were visibly upset and you had to pry it out of them so there's no 'come back' on the children.

I’m with you on the need for the op to speak with her son

Speak to your daughter in law first and alone.
Without refering to that conversation then speak to your son.
Approach from the point of view of the kids being afraid and confused.
Getting things out in the open...
Keep talking to the grandchildren... they need to trust you are on their side regardless

Take your son on one side and say I know you are not happy can I help and see what he says is going on,very important to try to help him he needs someone to talk to,the children are worried and frightened so you are probably the best person to help.If you have a good relationship with your daughter-in-law
can you kindly talk to her & support them both.

I would speak to your son one on one and I would also tell him that you always a bed for him should he need it. They is always two sides to a story kids told you what they remembered but you don’t know if she hit your son first. Having gone through something similar no grandkids at the time. In my case it was my son that was being abused and ppl thought it was the other way. Until it all came out. Just let him know that you are there for him