Should I say something?

my sons, I would speak to them, but be careful how I word things. I have always told my two, grown up, sons, never, never ever is violence, in any form acceptable.. particularly with family, well with anyone.

I would certainly say something without being accusatory to either party. Maybe ask if they need a some support or time on their own to talk whilst the children stay with you. Don't make too big an issue of it at this stage as grandtante said it may just have been a moment of exasperation.

I would speak to the daughter-in-law, your son may dismiss it as nothing and then tell the children not to tell you things.

This depends on two things.

One, how old are your grandsons?

Two, did they cheer up at your reasonable explanation?

If they are small children, or were unable to feel happier after your explanation, then I would have said something along the lines of, "Son, I may be shoving my oar in where it isn't wanted, but the wee lads were badly upset. They actually told me you and their mother had been shouting and yelling and that you had pushed her into a pond. I think you need to reassure them."

I would not call pushing someone into a pond phsysical abuse, unless the pond was deep enough for her to have drowned in - it could have been sheer exasperation or erotic foreplay, but should not have been witnessed by (young?) children.

So yes, speak to your son, at the risk of offending him for your grandsons' sake if not for your DIL's or his.

My own daughter went though this last summer, you could cut the atmosphere in the home with a knife and my GC were suffering from the shouting and silence and shear atmosphere. I approached my SIL and asked him to sort it out then he did by apparently wanting to leave home. After a traumatic couple of weeks and much talking, it was all resolved and they committed to be nicer to each other. The home is happy once again. The thing is that there were underlying issues that never got addressed, mainly due to sleepless children. In one way it was a good thing as they are like love struck kids again and the children are relaxed. At first I thought I’d caused the break but now am glad I spoke up as it forced them to face up to their problems.

I am not saying ignore it.

I an asking a question to the OP

Good point re it might not be first incident. However a lot depends on DiL.

If there is violent abuse then there is almost certainly a good deal of emotional and manipulative abuse.
Tackling it head on with the abuser your own son if he is very manipulative and DiL currently backing him up or hiding it from everyone including even herself.

However I now do agree to raise it like Shelflife suggested is probably the best way forward. And see how it goes.

^What do you hope to achieve by talking to the parents?
Yeah, you're right Hithere. Best just to ignore what the grandchildren told you, forget they said anything and carry on as though nothing is happening. None of OPs business right?

An abuser won't stop abusing just because
No, they won't. Especially when nobody says or does anything.

I think your Grandsons are the priority here, they were upset and wanting you to know what is happening. They are seeking support and comfort from you and the pond incident may be one of more such behaviours. Seeing them together and thinking they are ok together is no indication that all is well. For the sake of your GSs I would speak to your son , putting the emphasis on how upset the boys were at having witnessed what happened but not focussing on the pond issue. I think your Grandsons deserve this. Good luck.

Op

What do you hope to achieve by talking to the parents? An abuser won't stop abusing just because

These children must have been distressed to see daddy push mummy in the pond. Imo, that’s unlikely to be an isolated incident. The use of the words fighting and shouting paint a picture.
Domestic violence is traumatic for children. They’re asking for help by telling gran

As I've said above I'd wait see if anything further is reported then it becomes clearly more than a one off incident, then act.

How are you so sure that it hasn't happened before? This incident may be just the most recent one and nothing has been said until now. I'd be deeply uncomfortable with knowing that a) my son was a bully who had resorted to violence and b) my grandchildren had witnessed their mother being pushed by their father. I'd rather not wait for another incident. They have a habit of escalating.

The next incident might be fatal. You are family and should get involved.

I wish there was an easy way of that actually working.

If their reply is "oh it was just a bit of fun" or "yes we were cross with each other then but made it up" and then forbid children to talk about then to grandparents? or even limit access?

As I've said above I'd wait see if anything further is reported then it becomes clearly more than a one off incident, then act.

don't beat about the bush!
Tell them your grandsons told you 'dad had pushed mum in the pond!

oh talk to them telling exactly what your gs said happened!

I would definitely tell your son, and daughter in law, that their children are upset about the prospective break-up, without trying to apportion blame. Let them know that their behaviour has frightened their children and see what transpires. You cannot ignore it.

I would have to do something right away Tabs and you probably have by now.

The boys are children. You are the adult who has been given the information so you must act on it. Hopefully they are going through a tough patch and you could offer to help out even more with the children if the parents need counselling.

I feel the boys told you because they want you to do something!

Surely, your concern for them all outweighs any worry about offending your son. I would have to say something if it was me.

How old are your grandsons? Are they afraid of their father? Is their mother a 'provoker'? What are the dynamics of their marriage? Who is the dominant partner? What sort of a relationship do you have with your son? If it is a good relationship I would take him to one side and ask for some account of what is going on? If he is a shouter, then he is ruling by fear. Are the children at some form of physical risk? Perhaps keep a few private notes over a week or two and look at your grandson's demeaner? Are they generally happy or are they withdrawn? Perhaps you could get hold of some articles on line which may point you in the right direction.

More than one CheersMeDears.

I divorced last year because of serious coercive abuse police involved etc terrible shouting and manipulation locks changed but one incident alone would not have been enough to be sure of a pattern of abuse. in my mind or any others (no kids involved).

Oreo's suggestion is a possible starting point, tho it has the danger of the parents telling the children not to speak to gran.

I think I'd try to see it for myself. Of course if the children report more time to act.

Your grandchild reached out to you you cannot dismiss this. I think
it needs addressing asap it can't be ignored.
Arguments are often apart of lives but physical violence is something else. I have experienced this myself please talk to your family. They need to see that their behaviour is witnessed and could be damaging to their child.

You cant ignore domestic violence, but I'd need more than one account of pushing into pool (I'm presuming a swim pool?)

How many incidents would you need before you asked your son what was going on? 3? 5? 10? Isn't one act of physical violence enough for childrento witness? Bear in mind that the children have already said they've seen at least one incident and were sufficiently distressed enough to go and speak to their grandparents about it. Would you wait until they witnessed worse violence; maybe a black eye or a shove down the stairs? If the children have confided in their grandparents it's because they're worried and upset and are seeking help.

I’d talk to your son and tell him that your DGS is upset and thinks they are splitting up.Maybe they are and as his Mother you need to know, if only to comfort the children.

Your son and DIL may not thank you for it, but I think you should speak up.