Daughters boyfriend has moved on.

Clarification - “Mama’s boy” is the Father.

I do hope your daughter has some good friends who help her gently into a new life, as it seems as though her weekends will have been spent catering for him, and her weekdays, evenings, looking after her boys on her own.
She needs some 'me' time.

“Mama’s boys” don’t usually fare too well in life. These are complicated relationships that have profound effects on both of them and interfere with family dynamics too.

For sure, mother of boys must get legal protection (financial, visitation) for her sons established ASAP! The new romance may produce some fireworks in the future. And if He starts to protest - there are tests for paternity. (Hoping not to go there…)
Good luck to all!
USA Gundy

So sorry to hear this. You can't make it right but you are helping just being there. Loving wishes to all

Oortne

Foxie48 thank you 💕 It's been a tough few weeks processing this. But your right, nothing has really changed for us. But has changed for him. And now he must have wings and mange his boys, his new lady and his mother.

I'd guess it's the 'new lady' who is cause to the change.

I wonder if it's his mother who is the villain of this piece. Would be very surprised if his father was still around. It could be she has been not letting him go instead if kicking him out to where he should have been all along.

Foxie48 thank you 💕 It's been a tough few weeks processing this. But your right, nothing has really changed for us. But has changed for him. And now he must have wings and mange his boys, his new lady and his mother.

Your daughter likes her independence. Better this way for everyone.

Sounds like this wasnt the healthiest of relationships from the start

I hope your daughter examines why she picked such am individual and avoids the same mistake in the future

Despite encouragement from his grandparents about doing the right thing. Sadly he never took no notice . On starting this thread I had totally come to terms with what came to light to weeks ago. Although I was sad for DD and boys I had accepted it and to deal with it. But now thinking back on everything and how this all started. And that IS a story. Let's just say he had to leave under a cloud and wasn't most liked person in surrounding farming circles. He was low and needed a friend. And !!!!! They have been around one other for 20 yrs.

Perhaps she was ashamed to admit how casual the relationship was.

Good point FarNorth.

I used to cringe when she introduced my daughter as her daughter in law.

Perhaps that was her saying that she didn't regard your DD as just a 'friend' of her son.
Maybe she hoped he'd take a hint.

If he owns his own home why have his children and your daughter not been invited to live with him? It seems weird that his family are close to the boys and yet he has not taken any responsibility for them in a real sense..

his mother needed to cut the aprons strings

Or maybe he needed to.

Thanks for alerting me to the wills situation. She has no assets and is on a private rental. The other gr p are very much part of boys life, everyday they see them. Live close by and I am not far either. This has certainly opened my eyes. 11 years ago I worked out his mother needed to cut the aprons strings. I used to cringe when she introduced my daughter as her daughter in law. Wonder what she is now ? As for new lady in this saga, I wonder what she will make of her boyfriend. Fine at his faraway home, which he owns by the way, but becomes a dad and a mummies boy coming to his home town.

Germanshepherdsmum

Don’t rely on a will, which can be changed or revoked at any time and will automatically be revoked on marriage. If your daughter has made a will benefiting this man she should change it. She also needs a legally enforceable arrangement for maintenance of the children.

Great advice.

Legal matters need periodic reassessing, things change, marriages and deaths happen. Now is the time for your daughter to protect herself, and her children, with a new will, enforceable agreements.

I could be quite wrong guessing her home may also need to be legally sorted. Who ultimately owns the home, who pays it's bills? Does friend have any 'rights' to her home? Solicitor needed.

I am sorry your grandsons are hurting through this transition. It's not easy. I am not one to judge alternative family arrangements for the most part, but living apart while having children doesn't scream 'family' to me. I can't help but agree with some others that the "boyfriend" was never completely committed. How was he raising children whom he spent so much time away from?

The best you can do is be a shoulder to cry on and give your family lots of love. I cannot help but feel hopeful that your daughter will eventually find a relationship with someone who values her more than to impregnate her and still only view her as good enough to be with part time. Encourage her to be civil and not speak ill of him in front of the children. Then encourage her to get legal guidance so that this part-time father still understands he has financial obligations to his offspring. Beyond that, I'm afraid there is nothing else for you to do here. Time will heal.

Ali08

Germanshepherdsmum

Why on earth did your daughter have two children in this ‘relationship’? I can’t believe she didn’t suspect he was playing her along. Is he going to maintain the children? What about her financial position? Always the problem with people who have children but don’t marry.

Married or not doesn't make a difference!!

Of course it does.

There is order in how things should be done to work well. Marriage before possibility of children is, for me, the proper order.

That ship has sailed. Now, the children must be put first and protected.

Wisely, OP will say nothing negative. Her daughter will continue coping, and the boys will settle into a good routine. Seems the three of them already cope without the friend - more of the same.

Given a few months, I'd bet all will be back to 'normal'.

Oortne Where do the other Grandparents figure inthis do they see your DGCs on a regular basis when their father is staying with them,do they see them during the week at all ?

Don’t rely on a will, which can be changed or revoked at any time and will automatically be revoked on marriage. If your daughter has made a will benefiting this man she should change it. She also needs a legally enforceable arrangement for maintenance of the children.

'The money side has always been fine, as are the wills.'

A new relationship, so circumstances change, as can wills. Get financial arrangements legalised.
I hadn't realised that he stayed with his mother when he visited, so he wasn't a boyfriend, just the absent father of two boys. So is he severing links with his family, or just visiting his mummy less frequently, that the boys are so upset?

Oortne

He came home every week end and spent time together. But he stayed with his mother. Spoke everyday on the phone. I thought they were closer as many married couples. Went holidays, then again his parents went too.

Your daughter and your Grandchildren must be devastated, just be there to support her.
There are many couples who live apart due to work situations, it isn’t that uncommon and many ‘unmarried’ couples stay together for many years.

As far as your daughter was concerned he was her other half, I hope they all get through it with your help.

Oortne

For those that asked. Money side is always been fine. As is the wills. They boys have dad's name. So far I have not come in contact with dad or his family. But when I do I won't be saying anything negative. Thanks everyone and as for me classing him as a friend. They have been just that for many many years. You watch your children and see what the future may end.

As the saying goes "You can't choose for them"!

Best wishes and hope your DD and the boys will be fine.

Oortne the only priorities are your daughter and grandchildren and clearly your daughter has managed without her ex being around in the week, so she must be pretty resilient. As long as the financial side is OK and access to the children can be organised to everyone's benefit, it will all be fine. If everything can be civil and without rancour, it is so much more to the children's benefit. Relationships of all kind do break down but they don't have to "break" people. Good luck